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Original poster

To feel annoyed with elderly neighbour?

60 replies

Anuta77 · 03/07/2019 23:46

My neighbour is a 70 y old lady with several health issues. She was pretty neutral to us when we bought the house next to hers, but when she found out that I was expecting, she got very excited. So since our baby was born (now 21 months), she started coming to hold him. Many times it helped me when she would play with him, my son loves her and I know she loves him. Many times, she would just enter our house (our door was often open) whenever she felt like seeing our son. I'm an introvert, so while I like her overall and I know that it's good for my son and for her, as a lonely elderly person, I sometimes felt annoyed with this.
5 weeks ago, she fell in our house and broke her hip. We visited her at the hospital and I come to visit her in her house every other day. She can not get out of the house for now, so I imagine that she feels lonely. I make her tea and put her dishes in the dishwasher.
However, she has 2 loving daughters, 2 loving teenage grandchildren (who loved when she was visiting them, but are not visiting her, only calling), 2 sisters and 2 brothers, as well as sisters in law and a niece. And friends...And a boyfriend who visits every day.

Well, she is pretty insistent when she wants to see my son or feels bad. Now, she started calling me out from her balcony when she hears our voices in the house. She even got a "cow bell" so I can hear her. Today, she called once and was told by my husband that I was cooking. Later, she called me again, when I didn't answer, she rang to ask when I'm coming. I do visit her, but when I feel like it. She has a big family and is not the typical lonely elderly person. I have things to do in the house and I don't always feel like sitting in hers. I want to visit when it's convenient for me, not when I'm being prompted several times. That actually makes me uncomfortable, because I feel like her family should be the first people she should be insisting with.
I also have a 70 year old mom who lives 35 min away (without trafic) and I can't visit her so often.

OP posts:
Way0ftheW0rld · 04/07/2019 00:16

This lady is very fortunate to have family & friends who call & visit

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/07/2019 00:28

Yes, she is very lucky, I will not have this amount of people around me at her age, and even if her sisters and brothers don't visit her, I still don't feel the same responsibility for her as if she were alone.

OP posts:
AndBreatheJustBreathe · 04/07/2019 00:31

Yeah you’re a saint. Because this would be absolutely intolerable for me.

PregnantSea · 04/07/2019 00:37

A cow bell? Wow. Yeah, she's crossed a line there.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 04/07/2019 00:40

Try think although its no doubt a tad annoying, she probably really likes you and you are in a way slightly 'adopted' now to her. Go up and have a chat about it, just say you have things to do but obv will still check in at times and mention all her family in the process... trust me better than shite neighbours xx

cheesemongery · 04/07/2019 00:43

Do you speak to her family at all - could you have a word with them about you feeling under pressure to do all the visiting/company?

It's a bit cowardly but could your husband have a word under the pretence that you don't know and explain that you cannot come to her all the time and you feel guilty that you can't, but you have other things to do too?

And yes, you are a saint.

Missangrypants · 04/07/2019 00:48

You need to put your big girl pants on now.

Your neighbour is not lonely if she has a boyfriend who visits her on a regular basis and she also has family.

You need to start backing away and creating some space between your family and neighbour.

You have been kind to her but now she is seriously taking advantage. So put a stop to it now.

springydaff · 04/07/2019 00:58

So 70 is elderly is it? Shock

HiJenny35 · 04/07/2019 01:03

She hurt herself whilst in your house which you admit was helpful as she held your child and you could get on. She's feeling stuck in and lonely. It's not forever. Is it really hurting you? We're all going to get old one day and hope we will have kind people around us.

WolfInSlutsClothing · 04/07/2019 01:04

springydaff why are you shocked? By defination, anyone over the age of 65 is elderly. So yes. 70 is elderly.

BitOfFun · 04/07/2019 01:13

This sounds like a case for Captain Awkward. Boundaries!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 04/07/2019 01:30

@Anuta77 how old are you? Elderly pah!! Wait till you get to 70. See how elderly you feel Wink

springydaff · 04/07/2019 02:03

By defination anyone over 65 is elderly? Whose defination - yours?

Well you've given me a good laugh anyway.

Poppins2016 · 04/07/2019 02:10

@springydaff I understand where you're coming from. My parents are in their 70s, fit, healthy and what they call 'late middle aged'! They are technically 'elderly' by dictionary definition, but a long way from the stereotypical 'infirm' image that the media portrays/we grew up with...

echt · 04/07/2019 02:32

65 as elderly, a medical definition is an outdated definition - ask the UK government as they raise the OAP age.

The UN thinks it's 60.

The WHO has set it at 50 for those in Africa.

www.npr.org/2013/03/12/174124992/an-age-old-problem-who-is-elderly

For myself, I think of elderly as 80+ in the abstract but would never dream of describing my 80 year old NDN as that. An older lady is about as far as I'd take it of I was to describe her to a stranger.

At 64 I have vested interest in the labelling of older people.Smile

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/07/2019 02:45

I never imagined that I would offend anyone by calling my neighbour "elderly". Maybe I won't feel elderly at 71 as I look much and feel much younger than my age and I'm hoping to be fit and active, but my neighbour has a plethora of conditions and is in no way fit. She often talks about her health problems, takes tons of meds and often sees medical professionals. This is exactly how you imagine elderly people. My mom who doesn't exercice is more in shape and doesn't take medication. Now, it's now a competition and I really feel for her, but I do see her as "elderly". Although my post was not about that.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 04/07/2019 02:50

She needs boundaries. Tell her family stuff too.
Poor you OP Flowers

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/07/2019 02:51

I didn't think of talking to her because I didn't want to offend, but it's getting to the point where I'm forcing myself to visit her because she and my son love each other. I'm not planning on abandoning her, but I want it to be natural.
She mentioned to me that she was seeing a neurologist and they suspect that she has a beginning of some neurological disease, but she couldn't remember the name. I didn't notice any signs that her mind wasn't clear, but maybe this is what's affecting her judgement.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 04/07/2019 03:08

You could ignore her calls,op. If you are in the garden, that would be difficult but you're not in the garden all the time and she can't come round to you. If she does catch you, you could always say, "Oh sorry, I cannot come now because I have to do......". You do see her fairly often so not neglecting her, nothing to feel guilty about. You're a great friend and neighbour and it's lovely that she and your son have such a good relationship.

Just set some boundaries.

I wouldn't tell her family how you feel because they will probably tell the lady what you said. How mortifying would that be for her.

There are so many neurological conditions, most of which affect physical movement. Hopefully the neurologist will reach a diagnosis and be able to help her though it's possible he won't find anything.

DrinkTaboo · 04/07/2019 04:22

OP, this sounds to me like this Lady has got used to seeing you at will, by walking in your house whenever the hell she liked.

But now she can't do that she wants you to go to her whenever she wants, tell her you're busy. Yes just like that, no bullshit excuse, just "I'm busy and can't come round right now but I will be round later".

It's not forever OP, she will be walking in your house again soon I'm sure lol Grin .... I think you're a v good neighbour, wish my neighbours were as nice as you. Smile

As for the cow bell, just ignore it and roll your eyes. Tbh it's a plain piss take but again, it's not forever.

If you do want your relationship to change with this woman forever then tell her so. Tell her she is not to walk in your house anymore and to ask before coming round. No need to sugar-coat it, be nice but to the point. No need to feel like you're being rude by telling her, she is the one walking in your house at will and now ringing a cow bell because she can't.

Mintjulia · 04/07/2019 04:24

Will you and your family be going away on holiday soon?
I think you need something to break her expectation of seeing your son every day. It will hopefully remind her that she has other friends and relatives.
When you get home, you can go back to seeing her however much you wish.

Skittlesandbeer · 04/07/2019 04:40

You really needed to create firmer boundaries early on. It often feels like kindness to let these things push out, but now you see it’ll be crueler to set her straight than it needed to be.

If it were me, I’d have a chat with someone in her family first. Explain that much as you want to be a nice neighbour, you can’t practically visit or interact with her the several times a day she’s seeking. Let them know she’s in need of extra support from them, and they may need to sort out a roster.

Then go and visit her. Let her know that you’ve got a lot on, and would prefer to visit her on Tues and Sun (or whenever suits you) for an hour, so you can give her you’re full attention and make sure it fits with the baby’s new routine. Then stick to it like glue. Ignore anything but emergencies. Make those visits fun, but don’t be drawn on providing home help. Offer only to get in touch with her family if she needs you to facilitate them helping her.

Good luck.

RighteousSista · 04/07/2019 04:52

Make sure your doors are locked to enforce the boundary.

Thesuzle · 04/07/2019 05:01

Well next time you are round there find that dratted bell and “re-home it “.

withlotsoflove · 04/07/2019 05:48

l look and feel much younger than my age
Well then, hopefully people will have given up calling 70 elderly when you get there!
On the neighbour issue, you are not being unreasonable however!

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