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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed with elderly neighbour?

60 replies

Anuta77 · 03/07/2019 23:46

My neighbour is a 70 y old lady with several health issues. She was pretty neutral to us when we bought the house next to hers, but when she found out that I was expecting, she got very excited. So since our baby was born (now 21 months), she started coming to hold him. Many times it helped me when she would play with him, my son loves her and I know she loves him. Many times, she would just enter our house (our door was often open) whenever she felt like seeing our son. I'm an introvert, so while I like her overall and I know that it's good for my son and for her, as a lonely elderly person, I sometimes felt annoyed with this.
5 weeks ago, she fell in our house and broke her hip. We visited her at the hospital and I come to visit her in her house every other day. She can not get out of the house for now, so I imagine that she feels lonely. I make her tea and put her dishes in the dishwasher.
However, she has 2 loving daughters, 2 loving teenage grandchildren (who loved when she was visiting them, but are not visiting her, only calling), 2 sisters and 2 brothers, as well as sisters in law and a niece. And friends...And a boyfriend who visits every day.

Well, she is pretty insistent when she wants to see my son or feels bad. Now, she started calling me out from her balcony when she hears our voices in the house. She even got a "cow bell" so I can hear her. Today, she called once and was told by my husband that I was cooking. Later, she called me again, when I didn't answer, she rang to ask when I'm coming. I do visit her, but when I feel like it. She has a big family and is not the typical lonely elderly person. I have things to do in the house and I don't always feel like sitting in hers. I want to visit when it's convenient for me, not when I'm being prompted several times. That actually makes me uncomfortable, because I feel like her family should be the first people she should be insisting with.
I also have a 70 year old mom who lives 35 min away (without trafic) and I can't visit her so often.

OP posts:
dayslikethese1 · 04/07/2019 05:52

Argh this is why I avoid neighbours Grin I think the mistake you made was letting her walk in whenever so now you need to make some boundaries as PP have said.

LynetteScavo · 04/07/2019 06:00

Go and visit her and hide the bell.

Give some excuse as to why you are going to be less available in the future. Pretend you're really sad about this.

Keep your door locked at all times to stop her wandering in.

When you do visit be very clear about the next time you're going to visit.

It's about setting clear boundaries. If you don't she'll end up like my FIL did, sitting in my house all day watching TV.

Monty27 · 04/07/2019 06:02

I'm not suggesting you tell her family how you feel.
What I am suggesting is that you alert them gently that she needs them around her more often.
@Bluerussian you read me wrongly there Hmm

YouJustDoYou · 04/07/2019 06:07

I never imagined that I would offend anyone by calling my neighbour "elderly"

It's a favourite thing on mn for some people to get gleefully worked up about. Anyone dares use the E word and someone will come along sharpish to call you out on being "ageist".

YouJustDoYou · 04/07/2019 06:08

It's about setting clear boundaries. If you don't she'll end up like my FIL did, sitting in my house all day watching TV

Our mil was the same 😰 Being clear on boundaries is exactly what's needed.

Orangeballon · 04/07/2019 06:15

Cow bell is a bit ignorant and rude. She is taking too many liberties. Start putting more time between visits, eg, once every two days then once every three days, say you are unwell.

PollyPelargonium52 · 04/07/2019 06:32

Just say you have an anxiety disorder that has recently flared up and cannot cope with daily visitors. MAke something up op.

EleanorReally · 04/07/2019 06:34

Just say, I will be there later in the week.
Go speak to her and tell her,

is she still immobile?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2019 06:50

I agree you need boundaries. Her own family don’t visit her daily. Why should you?

zafferana · 04/07/2019 07:07

I agree that this relationship is out of control, because there are no boundaries. When this lady is in good health she treats your home as an extension of hers, wandering in and out at will. Now that she's recuperating from a fall she expects you to do same - be in and out all day checking on her and keeping her company.

The problem is that you've allowed a situation that you're not comfortable with to blossom. Things are now entirely on this needy and highly social woman's terms and they don't suit you, an introvert, at all. You're going to have to be honest with her and tell her that. Tell her how much you appreciate the help she gives you, but you also need to communicate how stifled you're feeling by this expectation that you'll be available to attend to her all day every day. I'd also have a chat with her boyfriend and members of her family, if you can. They are the ones who should be making a rota to visit her and keep her company while she's stuck inside, not her poor put-upon neighbour.

horizontilting · 04/07/2019 07:51

@BitOfFun - That Captain Awkward site is fecking brilliant, thanks for the heads-up!

sneakypinky · 04/07/2019 07:57

The cowbell is SO RUDE. I would absolutely ignore the bell.

Pop in when you want to, and ignore any summons. You're not some servant to be rang for.

You have been very kind so far, but if she asks tell her that you most definitely cannot drop everything when she rings her bell for you.

WolfInSlutsClothing · 04/07/2019 08:15

springydaff em, no. The actual definition. I don't just make up my own definitions. You should utilise google.

Figmentofmyimagination · 04/07/2019 08:22

I would probably lie and invent eg a job.

Worrying that you think her mental health is deteriorating. You really do not want to be the family’s ‘go to’ person if this lady develops dementia.

Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 08:31

It is technically elderly but by today’s Western standards, most 70 odd year olds are far from infirm. DH’s Grandad is 86 and more sprightly than the majority of 20 odd year olds Grin.

Anyway, I digress. The cow bell thing made me laugh a little, I’ll admit. I would hate this from a neighbour myself though. You’re just going to have to learn to ignore her I think and keep your doors locked! She has a large family who visit regularly, she doesn’t need your visits too.

zafferana · 04/07/2019 08:33

And YY to the cowbell being rude. Jeez, it's like she's ringing for a servant or something 'You rang, mi'lady'. Fuck that! Cheeky cow.

pasturesgreen · 04/07/2019 08:43

Don't make up excuses, OP. The neighbour will realise pretty soon you aren't going out to a new job, and anyway making up excuses seems to be an invitation for CFpeople to work round them. You can't visit, you're busy, maybe later in the week but you can't guarantee.

Whatever you do, do not commit to going round on set days/set times, keep it unpredictable and do not create the expectation you'll be there - say - for an hour every Sunday afternoon.

Ignore each and every attempt to summon you with the bloody cow bell. She may think it's hilarious, it's dreadfully rude.

For the love of God, start locking your door or as soon as she's up and about again you'll have her 'popping round' every time she feels like it.

jameswong · 04/07/2019 08:59

A cowbell? Fuck sake. You've shown remarkable restraint.

echt · 04/07/2019 09:01

It's a favourite thing on mn for some people to get gleefully worked up about. Anyone dares use the E word and someone will come along sharpish to call you out on being "ageist"

There's nothing funny about ageism, though I don't think the OP was being so. What gets called out on MN, and quite rightly is when age is mentioned when not relevant, or a woman is called an old bag/biddy.

Windygate · 04/07/2019 09:13

I've recently had to have a rather difficult conversation with my DM's neighbours around boundaries and that it's okay for them to not be available/responsible for DM.

DM has been diagnosed as 'elderly frail person', she has a good care package in place and plenty of visitors, however, none of it is enough for her demands. You need to nip this behaviour in the bud.

EL8888 · 04/07/2019 09:13

Well, she sounds like a nightmare. I would enforce boundaries especially the bell and the walking into your house. As well as easing away. I’m assuming you would rather be enjoying your maternity leave and baby

Piffle11 · 04/07/2019 09:57

You've given an inch and she's taken a mile. Start by locking your door. I can't believe she rings a bell for you - I'd be furious! Your DS may enjoy seeing her, but he's under 2 and won't suddenly be wondering where she's disappeared off to if he doesn't see her very often. You really need to start pulling back as she has massively overstepped the line, and unfortunately you've let her get away with it.

Durgasarrow · 04/07/2019 10:03

You're in a tough place. Could she sue you? The cowbell thing is crazy. Do they have telephones where you live? hahaha. I would never ever answer either a cowbell. And I would stop answering the telephone, too.

sonjadog · 04/07/2019 10:06

First of all, I would start my never answering at all when she rings the cow bell.

H2OH20Everywhere · 04/07/2019 10:31

I would manage her expectations. Next time you visit, just before you leave tell her you'll next be round sometime in the afternoon two days hence. If she pesters before then tell her you're still coming at whenever time, and then ignore her.