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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is rude when she visits my home

104 replies

walkinginshadows · 03/07/2019 23:26

DH has a hobby where he meets weekly with 4-5 others for about 30 years (since teens) at the house of one of them.

Since we had DC 4.5 years ago these people come to our house, which I’m not overly happy with more due to to the frequency than the people themselves (all nice bar one). We got married 3 years ago and in the past couple of years the wife of one of DH’s friends, who also participates in this hobby, is intermittently quite off with me or ignores me completely when she visits our house. Some weeks she is very friendly and others she blanks me as though I don’t exist.

One of the friend’s told DH that she is apparently miffed that she didn’t get invited to my hen do (only dinner, nothing else), hence the behaviour. She asked to go to DH’s stag do and was told no so she expected to go to mine. At the time we got married I barely knew her other than a ‘hi, how are you’ on a weekly basis and a brief chat before she would join the others to do the hobby. No socialising whatsoever.

I’ve just had an argument with DH when I told him I am starting to feel really offended that this woman visits my house weekly for an evening and depending how she feels on the day, she either blanks me or will be friendly. I said this makes me feel disrespected in my own home and it’s not a very nice atmosphere for me, however he just says ignore her and refuses to talk to her about it. He’s just thrown a strop and said he’ll tell everyone that they will start meeting at their house instead and how inconvenient it will be for him to drive 30 mins on the motorway and it’s now his turn that people come to his house as we have a young DC after 20 years + of him always having to travel to them when their DC we’re young.

He thinks I’m being ridiculous but AIBU to expect a weekly guest to at least display a basic level of respect in my home?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 03/07/2019 23:30

You are being unreasonable for not raising this directly with her at the time she’s behaving rudely. Her behaviour probably has nothing to do with you - plenty of people are moody. As she is part of your DH’s friend circle you could arrange to do something with your friend when he’s hosting.

kaldefotter · 03/07/2019 23:32

I’d hold firm on them needing to rotate around the houses and not got to your house every week. Then, when they are at your house, make yourself scarce (even if that just means drinking wine and reading magazines in your bedroom). There’s no need for you to entertain someone who dislikes you.

gamerchick · 03/07/2019 23:37

Why do you put up with it? Show the stroppy twat the door. Sod the argument, he should have your back!

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 03/07/2019 23:40

I assume this is something like a film club or games night?

It seems from your OP that you're kind-of irrelevant to the evening, because you don't participate.

If that's so, you need to think about whether it's the friendship group/hobby you object to, or just this woman.

But I don't understand the timings. You say the group's been meeting for 30 years, which would imply you're in your 40s or (more likely) 50s. But you've got a young DC and only been married a short time. Are you second-time-arounders? Because this group sounds a lot more established than your relationship.
I'm not trying to be nosy, I'm just trying to understand.

and... yeah, as @walkinginshadows says, why don't you just go out with your friends on those nights? I assume if you rotate that it's one night every 4 or 5 weeks?

EileenAlanna · 03/07/2019 23:45

I'd be interested to know why she asked to go on your DH's stag do. I can honestly say I've never known any woman who'd consider that a thing to do. I'd also prefer to have her coming to my house where I could keep an eye on her.

Anuta77 · 03/07/2019 23:52

I had my DP's ex wife coming to our house and ignoring me and he would defend her, which created problems between us. I think some men don't want to participate in women's issues.
What do you mean that she ignores you? Does she not answer your questions when you ask her sometimes? Does she not say hello?

Aethelfleda · 03/07/2019 23:52

my money’s on a group of roleplayers.
running a “campaign” is easier held in the same place each week, and there tend to be a majority of blokes over women interested in the hobby.
I’ve known a fair few, and it’s not that unusual for a friend of the “stag” to be a female at a stag do.... maybe that says more about your friends’ preferences than anyone elses, EileenAlanna....

. this woman just hangs around with the boys during their hobby so why shouldn’t she go to the stag do rather than the hen party?

and (if it’s a roleplaying type hobby), have you considered she may be on the autistic spectrum? plenty of girls with aspergers are undiagnosed and they are often over-represented in the women who are in the roleplaying and online gaming communities.... just a thought because her social awkwardness may not be deliberate rudeness.

madcatladyforever · 03/07/2019 23:55

Why is your husband not supporting you? I would be livid.

HappyLoneParentDay · 04/07/2019 00:02

Kill her with kindness! In the extreme! Be constantly in her face with the head tilt, cheesy smile and tinkly laugh!

Sunshine93 · 04/07/2019 00:07

Well the whole thing sounds ridiculous. I would object to having my home the venue for a weekly event like this that I am not part of. Once as part of a rotation maybe but not once a week.

You have every right to object to how she is with you. I would think it unlikely to be the hen do thing. More likely just a general disapproval of you as her friend's partner. Is he older than you and is she of his generation?

He should not have reacted as he did. I would be extremely uncomfortable with his reaction but don't be bullied into allowing this to continue. If he wants it to be held at another person's home every week then so be it. At least you are shot of the lot of them

I'd also prefer to have her coming to my house where I could keep an eye on her

Well I for one wouldn't have the energy or desire to "keep an eye" on another woman every week for the foreseeable future. If your DH wants to cheat he will do it regardless of the circumstances. I don't personally see this situation in that way, the op said she is the wife of a friend.

CaptSkippy · 04/07/2019 00:16

Are you hosted this event in the sense that you are providing them with drinks and snacks?

Lemonlady22 · 04/07/2019 00:30

all sounds dead creepy to me

Whoops75 · 04/07/2019 00:45

Do something else the evening they call.

fortifiedwithtea · 04/07/2019 01:11

I assume the OP is responsible for the care of their DC whilst DH is doing his hobby so suggesting she either go and do her own thing or relax with a wine and something to read is probably not going to be an option.

Hosting a weekly event that you have no interest in seems arduous. I would push the point that they should all take turns to host.

Howlovely · 04/07/2019 01:22

Don't let her make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Make her feel uncomfortable. Mirror her behaviour. It probably goes against how you normally behave but I wouldn't give her the chance to disrespect you in your own home.
If she ignores you, say something like, "Not talking this evening, Brenda?" with your best smile and see how she responds. Or, the opppsure if she ignored you the previous week, "Talking to me tonight are you? How nice".

Howlovely · 04/07/2019 01:23

*opposite

somanyresusablebags · 04/07/2019 02:04

I agree with Aethelfleda. My husband is a gamer, and an occasional role-player, and many of the women struggle are a bit atypical. I wouldn't let her bother you.

PenelopeFlintstone · 04/07/2019 02:21

I only know one female gamer, a colleague, and I like her but she's also definitely atypical and extremely blunt.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 04/07/2019 02:35

One of my husband's friends was a right rude twat to me.

My husband binned him off.

This woman doesn't sound that extreme, maybe she isn't good at socialising and stuff but your husband should have her back.

Also, throwing strops would not go down in our house.

Bluerussian · 04/07/2019 02:54

It is a bit much for you that they meet every week at your house, could they not have one week at someone else's house so that you do one in three? Or alternate weeks. At least then you'd have a break from it.

Regarding the woman, some people just aren't very friendly by nature, they don't know how to talk to people unless it is about a particular subject they are all interested in. It's a social handicap but we're all different. It's even possible she would like to be more friendly but feels inhibited because she doesn't know how.

I wouldn't pay much attention to someone saying she was miffed at not being invited to your hen do. Being as you hardly knew her, I think that is far fetched and probably resulted from a misunderstanding. When people are not good at chatting, misunderstandings often occur.

Hope things improve, walkinginshadows. I'm sorry your husband was stroppy, hopefully by the time you read this he'll have got over it. Your point of view is not unreasonable, especially if you are prepared to compromise, and he will probably come round.

newmomof1 · 04/07/2019 04:43

Can you tell us how she ignores you?

If she doesn't go out of her way to find you and say hello that's one thing, but if she ignores your efforts at conversation that's another thing entirely.

Your DH should respect your feelings either way!

herculepoirot2 · 04/07/2019 06:38

All the comments about her being probably “atypical” are a bit grim, aren’t they? Obviously, whatever the hobby is, the DH likes doing it too.

Anyway, quite separate to this issue is her behaviour. If she is honestly noticeably rude to you, your DH needs to support you and have a word, or take the hobby elsewhere.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 04/07/2019 06:43

Why are you choosing your DH to fight your battles?

You either accept her disrespect or you raise it directly with her.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2019 06:59

You either accept her disrespect or you raise it directly with her.

Well, I agree with the second bit! I’d also be telling her straight that she’s not your friend so wasn’t invited to your hen do, why would she be? And if she can’t be polite in YOUR house, then she doesn’t get to come in. If your dh isn’t sticking up for you, then yes, he CAN drive to them instead. YANBU.

Kiwiinkits · 04/07/2019 07:02

You’re a grown up. If it’s a big issue talk to her about it, “[her name] are we cool? You sometimes seem a bit off with me, or am I reading that wrong?”
Otherwise just ignore. Move on. Life’s too short for high school drama.