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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is rude when she visits my home

104 replies

walkinginshadows · 03/07/2019 23:26

DH has a hobby where he meets weekly with 4-5 others for about 30 years (since teens) at the house of one of them.

Since we had DC 4.5 years ago these people come to our house, which I’m not overly happy with more due to to the frequency than the people themselves (all nice bar one). We got married 3 years ago and in the past couple of years the wife of one of DH’s friends, who also participates in this hobby, is intermittently quite off with me or ignores me completely when she visits our house. Some weeks she is very friendly and others she blanks me as though I don’t exist.

One of the friend’s told DH that she is apparently miffed that she didn’t get invited to my hen do (only dinner, nothing else), hence the behaviour. She asked to go to DH’s stag do and was told no so she expected to go to mine. At the time we got married I barely knew her other than a ‘hi, how are you’ on a weekly basis and a brief chat before she would join the others to do the hobby. No socialising whatsoever.

I’ve just had an argument with DH when I told him I am starting to feel really offended that this woman visits my house weekly for an evening and depending how she feels on the day, she either blanks me or will be friendly. I said this makes me feel disrespected in my own home and it’s not a very nice atmosphere for me, however he just says ignore her and refuses to talk to her about it. He’s just thrown a strop and said he’ll tell everyone that they will start meeting at their house instead and how inconvenient it will be for him to drive 30 mins on the motorway and it’s now his turn that people come to his house as we have a young DC after 20 years + of him always having to travel to them when their DC we’re young.

He thinks I’m being ridiculous but AIBU to expect a weekly guest to at least display a basic level of respect in my home?

OP posts:
LL83 · 04/07/2019 07:02

I would be direct.

"Hi how are you?" If blanked "did you hear me? I asked how are you?" Still blanked then say "is everything ok? Why are you ignoring me?"

She sounds like a drama queen though, might be better to let it go and stop talking to her at all if she is looking for the attention.

bluebury · 04/07/2019 07:05

Pre-warn your husband that your going to politely say something then on a day she's acting cold just say:

'Is everything ok? You seem a little off.'

She's probably unaware she's being like it and will be embarrassed that you've noticed.

Frouby · 04/07/2019 07:09

Like fuck I would have a group of people, one which is rude, coming to my house on a weekly basis to play whatever it is they are playing.

Especially if I had young dcs.

If someone is rude to you, call her on it. It's your house, you deserve to be at least thanked profusely for hosting. I won't tolerate any visitors being rude to me. Be nice or fuck off.

IWouldPreferNotTo · 04/07/2019 07:13

The invited my female friends to my stag do and my best man was a woman. If I had a group of friends I'd been seeing regularly for years I'd feel terrible if I didn't invite some of them to my stag do purely based on their sex.

Bellatrix14 · 04/07/2019 07:19

Not really any helpful advice for the rudeness, but I don’t think it’s at all weird or ‘off’ that she asked to go on your husband’s stag do, like some others are implying. If they’d been friends for 30 years I think it’s far stranger that he didn’t invite her if the only reason was because she’s a woman!

fedup21 · 04/07/2019 07:23

He’s just thrown a strop and said he’ll tell everyone that they will start meeting at their house instead

I’d say, that’s great-thanks.

Lolly25 · 04/07/2019 07:26

Do you think it could be that she is on the spectrum? Not sure what these guys meet up for, but if it's some geeky role play or warhammer type thing (that's not an insult , as my son falls into this category and is on the spectrum) its possible she is, and doesn't know how to interact too well.
Or it could just be that shes a moody cow?
My sister taught me to be overly nice to these sorts or even if someone is blatantly rude, it does work, as they will either be so embarrassed or realise you will not engage any other way with them. I used to get so angry and tearful before I learnt this and would bite back, then regret what I had said.
I hope it all works out for you, there are some great suggestions on here.

Lycanthropology · 04/07/2019 07:30

Put a stop to it then. Either tell your DH that the group can no longer come to your your while there’s someone in it who’s rude to you, or ask the woman what her problem is. It’s ridiculous that it’s always at yours anyway, they should take turns.

I’m not sure why a PP thought the timings were weird: the DH is presumably mid to late 40s; OP may be similar or a little younger. Perfectly normal ages to have young DC (as DH and I did!).

Aethelfleda · 04/07/2019 07:31

the talk of someone being non neurotypical is not a criticism here, it’s a simple observation to try to explain to the OP that there can be actual reasons why someone integrates poorly into social “norms”, this woman may well
genuinely not be aware that she seems rude!

having some compassion is important for those who have to “learn” social rules and may well have been treated badly/ teased by folk who are “normal” in the past. it’s not someone’s fault if they just don’t get what you “should” do

Alsohuman · 04/07/2019 07:32

It sounds as if she’s socially inept generally. There probably isn’t any disrespect intended. I wouldn’t engage with any of them, I’d get off side in my room before any of them arrive and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet with a book or film. Leave them to it.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2019 07:33

"I can honestly say I've never known any woman who'd consider that a thing to do. "

I've been on a stag do - it was a dinner and was mixed sex. I've often thought it's silly to separate stag and hen by sex rather than friendship groups so I don't find it an odd thing to ask.

Damntheman · 04/07/2019 07:33

Wow... one does not need to be autistic to be a nerdy gamer! I've played tabletop games for well over a decade with a LOT of other women and the vast majority of them have had exemplary social skills! Can't believe some of these comments just wow.

Yes it's possible this woman might be non neurotypical but let's not connect that to a potential hobby in gaming.

OP I think you have a DH problem. It's not ok that she blanks you, I'd suggest you find a quiet moment to gently ask her what's up yourself. Might be enlightening!

It's not weird that women friends would be invited to a stag do.

Messyisthenewtidy · 04/07/2019 07:36

When she comes next time just ask her “so are you ignoring me or being nice to me tonight?”

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 04/07/2019 07:38

If the reason for hosting is partly to do with having young children then I assume the host gamer is on babysitting duties. Remind dh of this if he tries to wiggle out of it. Then have a weekly night out on your own. Friends, gym, evening class or just a night upstairs doing your own thing. If dp has friends over I might say hello but certainly don't hover, host or make small talk unless I'm part of the actual get together.

Smelborp · 04/07/2019 07:38

I would also raise it directly with her at the time.

Notcopingwellhere · 04/07/2019 07:42

Are you doing much more than a brief hello when they arrive? You’re not serving drinks and food and things are you? TBH I’d just leave them to it, they don’t see it as a social occasion involving you, so just do your own thing, smile if you bump into one of them in the kitchen/on the way to the loo and don’t over-think it. And make sure that you have one evening a week when you are free to go out/do a hobby/meet your own friends.

Birdie6 · 04/07/2019 07:51

I agree with other PP - you're not part of this group , so why do you engage with them at all ? Make this your "night off" and retire to your room with a good book or a movie , leave them to their hobby.

sackrifice · 04/07/2019 07:51

I'd be interested to know why she asked to go on your DH's stag do. I can honestly say I've never known any woman who'd consider that a thing to do.

I've been on male friends stag dos.

I also once went to the first half of the future husband's stag, then caught a bus to another town to do the second half of the bride's hen. Because I was friends with them both.

LakieLady · 04/07/2019 07:52

Kill her with kindness! In the extreme! Be constantly in her face with the head tilt, cheesy smile and tinkly laugh!

This. Even if it doesn't change her behaviour, it will make her look like such a twat. Be as nice as possible and appear very interested in her life, so you can ask her direct questions which she will only be able to ignore if she has the hide of a rhino.

A friend did this to the new partner of an old friend. When she asked the woman a direct question and got blanked, she would just repeat it louder as though she thought the woman hadn't heard. It became so obvious that she was being incredibly rude, that eventually she stopped coming to events that she knew my friend would be at.

If that approach succeeds with the woman you're talking about OP, that could be a real win-win as they might start meeting elsewhere.

ThePurpleHeffalump · 04/07/2019 07:53

@Aethelfleda, you are describing my DD!
And all the snippy comments about stroppy cow, rude, keeping an eye on her and dead creepy are challenges she regularly faces from women.
She can roleplay Normal Girl in her job most of the time, but with long-standing friends, she can relax and they cope.

ticking · 04/07/2019 07:55

Have you realised your DH is the problem here?

I suspect there was a conversation and she spoke to your DH about the stag and hen - a conversation which you then weren't told about.

Hence the situation now when he won't speak to her ....beacause he knows full well she asked to go on your hen do and he failed to pass on the information!

She on the other hand spoke to your DH, then you (in her eyes) proceeded to blank her.... hence she's now blanking you back!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 04/07/2019 07:56

I feel a bit sorry for her, an established group and your husband excluded her from his stag do. All my close male friends have invited me on their stag do's and I was also best man for one.

You also seem to have it in for her, its amazing how non of the other (male) friends seem to have disrespected you. How much of the evening gets taken up by all your husbands friends making the appropriate amount of chit chat to you before starting their hobby?

Anyway just say you want him to play at someone elses house, but dont get annoyed when he is now out the whole evening traveling back and forth.

QueenofallIsee · 04/07/2019 08:01

I feel like I am totally out of step sometimes! Nothing about the OP says her issue is because this is a female friend of her husbands, it’s not on the op that her husband didn’t invite this woman to his stag do and what does it matter what the hobby is!! OP, let them go to someone else’s if that’s the only option but i would be damn clear to your husband that the minimum you expect in your own home from his guests is basic courtesy!! YANBU

ChuckleBuckles · 04/07/2019 08:20

you're not part of this group , so why do you engage with them at all ?

They are in her fucking house one night a week, why should OP slink away to not inconvenience these people?

You have a DH problem OP, odds are he told friend that she could go to your hen but never passed that along to you.

Alsohuman · 04/07/2019 08:28

One woman’s “slinking away” is another woman’s welcome chillout time. I’d be delighted to have an excuse to lock myself away for an evening.

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