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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is rude when she visits my home

104 replies

walkinginshadows · 03/07/2019 23:26

DH has a hobby where he meets weekly with 4-5 others for about 30 years (since teens) at the house of one of them.

Since we had DC 4.5 years ago these people come to our house, which I’m not overly happy with more due to to the frequency than the people themselves (all nice bar one). We got married 3 years ago and in the past couple of years the wife of one of DH’s friends, who also participates in this hobby, is intermittently quite off with me or ignores me completely when she visits our house. Some weeks she is very friendly and others she blanks me as though I don’t exist.

One of the friend’s told DH that she is apparently miffed that she didn’t get invited to my hen do (only dinner, nothing else), hence the behaviour. She asked to go to DH’s stag do and was told no so she expected to go to mine. At the time we got married I barely knew her other than a ‘hi, how are you’ on a weekly basis and a brief chat before she would join the others to do the hobby. No socialising whatsoever.

I’ve just had an argument with DH when I told him I am starting to feel really offended that this woman visits my house weekly for an evening and depending how she feels on the day, she either blanks me or will be friendly. I said this makes me feel disrespected in my own home and it’s not a very nice atmosphere for me, however he just says ignore her and refuses to talk to her about it. He’s just thrown a strop and said he’ll tell everyone that they will start meeting at their house instead and how inconvenient it will be for him to drive 30 mins on the motorway and it’s now his turn that people come to his house as we have a young DC after 20 years + of him always having to travel to them when their DC we’re young.

He thinks I’m being ridiculous but AIBU to expect a weekly guest to at least display a basic level of respect in my home?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2019 13:35

"... however he just says ignore her and refuses to talk to her about it."
And there's the problem - his refusal to talk about it or even accept that it is a problem for you. Sounds to me that he wants to sweep it all under the carpet for a quiet life. I would not be giving him that quiet life. I would tell him that either HE addresses the issue or that YOU will.

I expect he still won't do anything, so then you have free rein to address it as you wish. I would remind him before they are due round that since he has not dealt with her, I would be doing so. (I'd give him every opportunity to put on his big-boy pants, but I would not allow this matter to be perpetually shelved.)

So, personally, I would then pick it up with her directly. First time, I'd be discreet; a quiet word asking why she is being off/blanking you. If she apologises, all well and good; but if she denies it (as she probably will), you round off the conversation pointing out that she is a guest in your HOME and you expect civility and politeness as a minimum. If she did it again, I'd raise it with her in front of everyone. "Sheila, is there a problem? You seem to be ignoring me/being snippy with me again." And stand there waiting for a response. Which she will have to give, since everyone will be listening.

At that point, it becomes unpredictable. She could throw a hissy fit, your husband could strop, everyone could look at their feet, the meeting could come to a sudden end - I would not give a rat's arse which way it went. But I would be very disappointed to have a husband who I could not know to have my back.

SavingSpaces2019 · 04/07/2019 14:31

Put your big girl pants on and pull her up on it the next time she does it - you don't need your husbands permission to stand up for yourself.

bridgetreilly · 04/07/2019 15:17

Get your own hobby that means you have to be out of the house every week on that night.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/07/2019 15:31

FFS.. Don't let anybody through your front door that treats you like a DICK in your own home .. that's just not fucking cool... if your Husband still considers this person, who treats you so appallingly, a friend then tell him to drive the 30 mins to their houses, and leave you in the safe haven that is your home. What a disrespectful Prick.

just say NO more OP Flowers

SavingSpaces2019 · 04/07/2019 16:02

Or you could give her hell whenever she;s in your home so she stops coming altogether? Grin

Ohyesiam · 04/07/2019 16:06

He doesn’t think you’re being unreasonable, he just doesn’t want to pull her up on it.
But It’s that or the Motorway .

MashedSpud · 04/07/2019 17:01

Is it Dungeons & Dragons?

Benjispruce · 05/07/2019 17:41

Personally , I would go upstairs or somewhere else when he has hobby nights.

Benjispruce · 05/07/2019 17:41

Not because of her but before it even happened.

Scarriff · 05/07/2019 17:45

Go out physically or metaphorically. In your room at least, or an evening class/visit to the gym/film night. Leave the drinks/snacks ready in the kitchen. Let the gang babysit so you get the chance to do your thing . Think no more of it

nuxe1984 · 05/07/2019 17:53

Choices ….

  1. Don't let her behaviour wind you up. If she can see her behaviour is having an effect on you then she probably takes pleasure from it.
  2. Ignore her in return. Don't offer her a drink, don't acknowledge her, blank her.
  3. Next time she blanks you … retort with something along the lines of "Oh, are we ignoring me this week then? That's ok, I'll just ignore you too. But remember, it's my house …"
Itssosunny · 05/07/2019 18:04

Bloody hell, meeting up weekly!!! Can't them meet up somewhere in the pub? I understand when you don't have children but when you have children then there would be no weekly or even monthly meetings. Well, unless you live in a mansion which I think you aren't as you see that unpleasant woman during the meetings.

Sb74 · 05/07/2019 18:07

It all sounds a bit odd to me. 30 years, once a week?? I think now he is married this should be changed to once a month or something, or is that just me? I don’t think that situation would last long in our house. How intrusive. And no. Wouldn’t put up with her. I would ask if I had offended her. Your DH should back you up. It would be horrible dreading them coming around all week. I wouldn’t be able to relax. I hate set arrangements like that though so I couldn’t do it. What could it be that they have be doing since teenagers? ..mmmm...

Sb74 · 05/07/2019 18:09

Has op gone??

EllenMP · 05/07/2019 18:09

I would leave them to their activity (D&D?) and just stay out of their way (Netflix on the laptop in my bedroom would be be my strategy.)

It sounds to me like she was hurt not to be invited to the stag do after being one of the guys for 30 years, which is completely understandable. To be excluded from a group you thought you were a full part of is not very nice at all. But she is (unconsciously) unable to risk her friendship with the group by pinning her hurt feelings on them, so she is pinning them on you instead. I feel quite sorry for her, actually. Next time she is unpleasant to her why not ask her if she is upset with you about something or upset about something else? Maybe you can work it out and find some common ground as women? Pollyanna, over here, but worth a try.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/07/2019 18:16

If her behaviour is over the hen do.. .that was over 3 years ago.. and she can't let it drop? and cant say anything directly to you? I'd go mad having a bunch of people with a hobby that excludes me camping out in my house once a week, especially as one of them is rude.
Did anyone even ask you if you wanted 4.5 years of this?
Being put upon like this is far worse than any polite confrontation. Call her out. Ask her directly why she's friendly sometimes and rude the next.. be prepared for evasion and then ask nicely how she would like it if you came to her house every week for 4.5 years and behaved the same way...

Baddit · 05/07/2019 18:40

I would just stay out of their way

MrsAlexKarev · 05/07/2019 18:41

I’m sorry Jane, have I done something to upset you??

butteryellow · 05/07/2019 18:50

Gotta be table-top roleplayers (I, too have a 20 odd year group - but we only manage to meet up about once every couple years these days!).

A fair few of the roleplayers I know had 'sten' dos due to this - although generally when they were both roleplayers.

I'd just ignore it - blank her back/keep it as minimal as it always was. Yes, it's a pain, but there's just no point expending your energy on what other people think of you (perfectly reasonable) actions.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 05/07/2019 19:04

If he still wants to host this imbecile in your house then I’d make it clear that you won’t be around and go out with your friends... no way would I entertain someone flip-flopping with their manners towards me - or sit upstairs with wine, film and chocs for the entire time! I hate flip-floppers they can FO IMO!!

AlansLeftMoob · 05/07/2019 19:49

This is so weird, what could a group of people be doing once a week at someone's house for THIRTY YEARS?!

Going by that alone you're presumably all at least in your late forties/early fifties - you said that the reason they come to yours is because of your young DC, so your DH doesn't have to travel - is it absolutely essential for you to be there every week?! If he'll be home anyway and it's something that isn't a mad sex ring then could you join a group or find something to do with your own friends once a week so that instead of dreading this woman coming round, you'd have something to look forward to?

Fuck me I've a feeling the OP won't come back but I'm dying to know what this hobby is

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 05/07/2019 20:38

Just want to know what hobby is asking for a friend

ToftyAC · 05/07/2019 20:42

Awww.... I’m being left with a cliffhanger here!!

PettyPois · 05/07/2019 21:52

OP, I feel your pain. DnD runs in our house sometimes and the gf of one of the players tags along. She is rude, loud, ignores me because I don't play, and helps herself to our food and drink from the fridge, even though it's accepted tgat everyone brings snacks and shares them on the table.

And she doesn't wash, so we have to air the lounge after every game at our place.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 05/07/2019 22:43

Sounds like D&D group? And speculation re age if they started playing at school in early teens, that would be early 40s. Lots of people have weekly hobbies or classes they attend so I don't see that's so bad, it would get me down if it was my house every time though.

I think EllenMP has it right.

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