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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at the police??

75 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 03/07/2019 11:59

Hi,

I reported my ex husband two months ago because he was sending me death threats as I had put a claim in for cms. I didn’t hear anything from the police, even though I had rang them around 6 times. I decided to cancel cms as it wasn’t worth the hassle and since haven’t heard from xh, it’s been fab. The police never took a statement or evidence etc.
(The police from my county passed it on to where he lives).
Not heard a single thing until yesterday, I had a phone call saying they had arrested him and wanted a statement so they could either charge him or let him go. Completely caught me off guard and I had to say I couldn’t do it, it sent me into a massive panic attack because they didn’t warn me, and I now I’m worrying about how he’s going to react. They hadn’t given me change to prepare for this, now I’m terrified of what will come from him being arrested! He’s obviously not going to be happy!

I’m fuming that they didn’t even tell me they would do this, if they had contacted me in advance I would have gave evidence/statement and it would have mentally prepared myself, but to hear absolutely nothing until this.

I’m now having massive panic attacks 😩 I get married next week and can not be doing with this stress and worry that he will do something!

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 03/07/2019 12:21

The police are damned if the do, damned if they don't . You made the complaint. Make the statement.

Hairwizard · 03/07/2019 12:23

What pp said. I also think you should have went on with cms claim. As now anytime you rock the boat this is what he will do. Nasty fucking bully who needs to provide for his dc wether he likes it or not.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/07/2019 12:23

The time it has taken is ridiculous but the police are massively overstretched. I dont think its fair to expect them to call you and say "are you sure you still want him arrested".
They have arrested him, either make a statement or dont. If you dont though there will be no record of this should he do it again.

Lllot5 · 03/07/2019 12:25

Make a statement and make a claim to cos you have to stand up to bullies.

MargoLovebutter · 03/07/2019 12:29

I'm really sorry your ex-H is threatening you, but in fairness how were the police supposed to know that you suffer from panic attacks and to schedule their arrest?

Have you spoken to Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247? It sounds like you should.

Magenta82 · 03/07/2019 12:33

I know it must be really scary and intimidating after all you have been through but I think you need to give the statement. The police have done their part, albeit slowly, so you need to do yours.

Take a deep breath, try to calm down, give your statement and do your best. It will be better for your peace of mind long term, you will know you did what you could.

Good luck.

Damntheman · 03/07/2019 12:34

I agree with PP. Make the statement and reapply to cms. He can't be winning because he's bullying you.

Once the police have the statement on file it'll be easier to book him for any further offences too.

Passmethecrisps · 03/07/2019 12:34

It’s dreadful for you that this has taken so long but as a pp says they are enormously overstretched and it sounds like this went beyond county boundaries which could complicate matters.

I am afraid you are being unreasonable to be angry at the fact you didn’t get warning. You made the complaint and the police acted on it.

I hope you find the strength to make the statement and stand up to the bully

tempester28 · 03/07/2019 12:44

I disagree, I thought no you should have been given a warning as it has been 2 months and it is obvious that your situation could have changed. If he threatened to kill you then waiting 2 months to arrest him is too long. They should have at least contacted you for an update.

tempester28 · 03/07/2019 12:44
  • thought you should
Original poster
Darksideofthemoon19 · 03/07/2019 12:53

I completely understand they are over stretched but a phone call the day before would have been nice

OP posts:
Buster72 · 03/07/2019 12:56

Given the length of time it is actually unreasonable of police to NOT have a statement prior to arrest. So I do see your point.

However it has happened and you should provide one now.

pigsDOfly · 03/07/2019 13:01

Given the situation and the fact that he's made threats against you I think the police could have dealt with this a little more sensitively.

We all know they're over stretched, but as pp said they should have given you a phone call the day before. How long would it have taken to say we are going to arrest him and will need a statement from you, a couple of minutes?

You really should go on with the complaint though OP.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 03/07/2019 13:27

How can they call you the day before he is arrested? Are they psychic? Bloody hell some people are never happy.

FlyingTingTing · 03/07/2019 13:31

How do you expect them to call you the day before?
YABU

Snowy81 · 03/07/2019 13:33

With also respect, he could have been pulled over etc, and that’s why they had him. So totally unreasonable to say they could have told you the day before, it doesn’t really work like that.

Sarahjconnor · 03/07/2019 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nearlythere1 · 03/07/2019 13:40

For christ sake, reinstate the cms claim and phone the police back saying you want to proceed. Talk about giving in.

TulipsTwoLips · 03/07/2019 13:44

Deep breaths and make a statement. You can do this!

Gazelda · 03/07/2019 13:47

Try to see this as a step forward to showing your ex that you're not a pushover.
Try to give the statement
Reinstate the claim
Have a wonderful wedding next week, a brand new start with someone you love and trust.

Funnyface1 · 03/07/2019 13:50

You should have told them that you wanted to drop it. Not that I think you should, a death threat is serious. I agree it's taken them too long to act. It wouldn't have taken your ex so long if he'd been genuine about his threat

IncandescentShadow · 03/07/2019 13:52

This sort of scenario is incredibly frustrating for the police - people making complaints and then changing their minds and not wanting to see it through. What a waste of resources. OP he has quite likely been pulled over while driving or something, hence it may have been impossible to give you a 'warning phone call'. Did you ask for a 'warning phone call' when you made your initial complaint?

Tallgreenbottle · 03/07/2019 13:54

Erm, this is on you, OP. They have done their job. They don't have to warn you Confused

Go do your job and give the statement.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 03/07/2019 13:56

They don't call ahead about arresting people... The person they called could warn the other one about upcoming arrest...

Original poster
Darksideofthemoon19 · 03/07/2019 13:57

How can they arrest someone without a statement or evidence?

OP posts: