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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at the police??

75 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 03/07/2019 11:59

Hi,

I reported my ex husband two months ago because he was sending me death threats as I had put a claim in for cms. I didn’t hear anything from the police, even though I had rang them around 6 times. I decided to cancel cms as it wasn’t worth the hassle and since haven’t heard from xh, it’s been fab. The police never took a statement or evidence etc.
(The police from my county passed it on to where he lives).
Not heard a single thing until yesterday, I had a phone call saying they had arrested him and wanted a statement so they could either charge him or let him go. Completely caught me off guard and I had to say I couldn’t do it, it sent me into a massive panic attack because they didn’t warn me, and I now I’m worrying about how he’s going to react. They hadn’t given me change to prepare for this, now I’m terrified of what will come from him being arrested! He’s obviously not going to be happy!

I’m fuming that they didn’t even tell me they would do this, if they had contacted me in advance I would have gave evidence/statement and it would have mentally prepared myself, but to hear absolutely nothing until this.

I’m now having massive panic attacks 😩 I get married next week and can not be doing with this stress and worry that he will do something!

OP posts:
Original poster
Darksideofthemoon19 · 03/07/2019 13:57

Honestly I’m happy they have arrested him, but due to domestic violence I think they should have warn me

OP posts:
delorisvancartier · 03/07/2019 14:01

So you reported something to the police & they have taken action & now you are unhappy that they have taken action? What did you expect to happen in this situation? I'm sorry for what you are going through but you can't seriously be annoyed at the police for investigating something that you reported

NoBaggyPants · 03/07/2019 14:01

They can arrest someone on the basis that he has made threats of violence. They have reasonable suspicion that a crime has been committed.

What difference would you knowing in advance have made? What did you think they'd do with your complaint?

Hoppinggreen · 03/07/2019 14:05

They can’t phone you to tell you that they are going to arrest someone tomorrow
I’m sorry he’s so awful OP but I dint think the police have done anything wrong

Butterflyone1 · 03/07/2019 14:06

You don't get to pick and choose what the police investigate. You made a report, the police pursued it - simple.

Whilst I appreciate you're scared of your Ex, the police are overstretched so they can't always commit to making courtesy calls to people.

Perhaps your ex was arrested for another reason and they also saw your report. You have a right to ask for support if you fear for your life.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 14:07

I sympathise with what you have had to go through.

But you can't expect them to help if you refuse to help yourself. It shocked you. That's understandable but now is the time to get real and make the statement and reinstate the claim.

MsMD · 03/07/2019 14:08

You calling them was your warning.

PawPawNoodle · 03/07/2019 14:14

How can they arrest someone without a statement or evidence?

You calling in reporting the crime is enough to arrest him. You made an allegation, he has been arrested on suspicion of that offence, and now they'll gather evidence.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/07/2019 14:22

Do you want to call them back and see if you can still make a statement?

FrogsAreMean · 03/07/2019 14:24

Bloody hell some of you commenting here and being really bloody mean in your replies to the OP.

Okay, "they can't call ahead of arresting" "they don't have to warn her" "talk about giving in" etc etc etc - BUT what you are forgetting is this woman has been through a lot and is now terrified of the man!

Give her a break please

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 03/07/2019 14:26

@FrogsAreMean that's also one of the reasons why they don't call. If they called ahead the victim could panic and try to warn the perpatrator in a hope he will forgive and not harm them. There is just too many possibilities.

Passthecherrycoke · 03/07/2019 14:31

I completely agree he could’ve been pulled over, stopped and searched etc- or TBH OP possibly he was first detained for a different crime. There are lots of possibilities

You were brave to report him, now see if through- call them back and tell them you have changed your mind and want to persue- just tell them you were caught off guard and had a panic attack x

Toooldtocareanymore · 03/07/2019 14:31

so really you waste a whole load of police time, you made a complaint and reinforced this with your calls, they pass it on to other police in the area, they acted on it, if course they don't alert people when they are going to call to someone, for many obvious reasons, and then you ask AIMU , in my book yes. Basically you are saying the timing doesn't suit , you managed to cancel cms but did not cancel complaint to police. They ring you to ask for a statement and you cant do it because you had no warning - did they say on call we need statement this very minute?

SerendipityJane · 03/07/2019 14:35

You calling in reporting the crime is enough to arrest him

Not in the UK, I'd hope.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/07/2019 14:36

Why are you angry with the Police? Frustrated with their slow reaction I get but why have you decided to allow ex H to get away with making death threats and not paying for his child?

THIS

falafelaboutit · 03/07/2019 14:37

I had this happen when I was 16 and it terrified me for years afterwards. I think they should warn people prior to an arrest, or that it's even on the cards.

Thump · 03/07/2019 14:39

This happened me with a different crime. I wasn't emotionally fit to give a statement and told them so. 4 weeks later I get a phonecall telling me they had someone in custody for a different crime and would I now give a statement. I vomited for about 3 hours, then rang them back and again said No. Why they hadn't fucking told me that they knew who he was (record for same crime, just out of prison), baffles me. They never even investigated without my statement.

To me it's likely the same scenario here. They have him in for something else, and want to nail him with everything they've got.

falafelaboutit · 03/07/2019 14:39

@Toooldtocareanymore reporting death threats from a violent ex partner is never a waste of time. Nice victim shaming there Hmm

cottonwoolbrain · 03/07/2019 14:41

OP, I'm sure it was a shock to you especially if you thought the police had forgotten about it.

However, your fury with them is misdirected. They are not the ones who hurt you or threatend you. That was your ex. You now have an opportunity to deal with him in a legal and respectful manner without needing to descend to his level. You will have the police and hopefully cps and courts to act as an intermediary. Phone them back and ask to make a statement. You won't be the first or the last person to initially refuse through shock or fear and then reconsider.

DP was the subject of a death threat a couple of years ago. It took quite a while but the police did deal with it and he was convicted. He didn't get quite the sentence we'd have liked but he got shown up and punished and it means if he tries the same with anyone else the police will take it far more seriously because its not the first time.

The police are slow.. they're not called the plod for nothing you know.

Pick the phone up now and call them back but don't expect things to happen quickly just gradually

Good luck

katseyes7 · 03/07/2019 14:44

l left a Northern police force 7 years ago, and it was bad then. For example, a town with 20,000 people could have 3 officers to cover a nightshift.
l imagine it's much worse now because of budget cuts, etc. The resources were stretched to breaking years ago, god only knows how bad it is now. And as NinjaInFluffyPJs said, they can't tell anyone when they're going to arrest someone for the very reason stated.
Give the statement, and when you do, ask them to put a 'flag' on your address so that should anything occur, when you ring up, the person you're speaking to (and anyone who could possibly need to come to your address) is aware of the situation. Also speak to Women's Aid, and reapply for the cms. Don't let him bully or scare you into backing down.

Isatis · 03/07/2019 14:44

At the time you made the report you must have wanted him arrested, charged and convicted. Now you’ve had your panic attack, put that behind you, take a deep breath, get yourself back into that original mindset, put yourself into Wonderwoman mode, and make that statement. You can do this!

Thump · 03/07/2019 14:49

My post possibly wasn't clear when I read it back.

A crime was committed against me and I reported it a day or two later. They took an initial statement (what I thought was a statement) at my home and took some forensic tests etc.
They wanted me to go to a station to give a recorded interview.
I refused, they acknowledged by letter I think that I didn't wish to proceed and that was the end of it, as I thought.
Just less than one month later, they call to say that they have a person in custody, matching the description I had given them, for exactly the same crime against someone else. Would I now give a statement?

What pissed me off is that they could EASILY have known who dunnit from the description - but they never fucking told me that! If I had known that they knew who he was, I possibly would have made the statement.

It's a fucked up system here. I've never once had a conviction achieved for crimes against me. It's ridiculous.

I don't know what they are thinking sometimes.

Thump · 03/07/2019 14:51

Sometimes I think they wouldn't find water in a river.

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 14:52

People moan about the police not taking women seriously when the make complaints about DV. This is why they are cynical, they go and arrest someone and then you don't want to follow through. You have wasted their time. You made the complaint, why would you need to be warned that they are acting on it.

Totally unreasonable.

Thump · 03/07/2019 14:58

dumpling.
When you've just been threatened, your first reaction is to CALL police, but you might not follow through with a statement. They sure as hell don't instill confidence when they request it........

Anytime I HAVE made a statement, the CPS have decided there wasn't enough evidence.

Don't victim blame women when you clearly don't understand the complexities of DV.