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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming at the police??

75 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 03/07/2019 11:59

Hi,

I reported my ex husband two months ago because he was sending me death threats as I had put a claim in for cms. I didn’t hear anything from the police, even though I had rang them around 6 times. I decided to cancel cms as it wasn’t worth the hassle and since haven’t heard from xh, it’s been fab. The police never took a statement or evidence etc.
(The police from my county passed it on to where he lives).
Not heard a single thing until yesterday, I had a phone call saying they had arrested him and wanted a statement so they could either charge him or let him go. Completely caught me off guard and I had to say I couldn’t do it, it sent me into a massive panic attack because they didn’t warn me, and I now I’m worrying about how he’s going to react. They hadn’t given me change to prepare for this, now I’m terrified of what will come from him being arrested! He’s obviously not going to be happy!

I’m fuming that they didn’t even tell me they would do this, if they had contacted me in advance I would have gave evidence/statement and it would have mentally prepared myself, but to hear absolutely nothing until this.

I’m now having massive panic attacks 😩 I get married next week and can not be doing with this stress and worry that he will do something!

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 03/07/2019 15:00

The police aren’t to blame because you had a panic attack from finding out they’d done exactly what you wanted them to do.

Nomorepies · 03/07/2019 15:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Badcat666 · 03/07/2019 15:03

Sorry.... but you wanted them to "tell you" they were planning to arrest him? What planet are you living on?

They can't tell someone they plan on arresting another person in case the person they are planning to arrest gets tipped off and make a run for it.

As for the time taken, for all you know they may have taken a while because they were having trouble tracking him down.

(and I suffer from crippling anxiety but I would be ruddy grateful to the Police they had arrested them, not be fuming ffs.)

Omzlas · 03/07/2019 15:04

How do they know that by telling you he was to be arrested, the information wouldn't get back to him in some way?

As much as I sympathise, you need to stand up to this bullying piece of shit, make the statement, claim CM.

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 15:05

Thump, there was nothing stopping her contacting the police and saying she didn't want to proceed.

I don't think she is a victim of the police, they are the victims as she wasted their time.

You do realise the CPS decision is nothing to do with the Police? Police Officers frequently get frustrated by CPS decisions and by people wasting their time.

TheDarkPassenger · 03/07/2019 15:06

They can’t call you to warn you even if they knew incase you warned him.

This happens all the time

Don’t let him win

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 15:09

How do they know that by telling you he was to be arrested, the information wouldn't get back to him in some way? Also there would be occasions when they might phone you a dozen times to say they are planning on arresting him tomorrow and it doesn't happen because more urgent things happen/he wasn't where they thought he'd be/they are short staffed. Think of the stress that might cause.

Darkstar4855 · 03/07/2019 15:10

They can arrest people without a statement, otherwise imagine how many people would just run off before a statement was taken! Arresting someone allows the police to hold them for a short period of time while they gather evidence, they will then either charge him or let him go.

Hithere12 · 03/07/2019 15:22

Erm, this is on you, OP. They have done their job. They don't have to warn you

Done their job!!? The death threats were two months ago! What’s happens if the threats had been carried out?

OP has every right to be kept in the loop as she is the one potentially in danger. We all know how piss poor our justice system is a protecting victims.

ChicCroissant · 03/07/2019 15:25

You rang the Police six times, they took action and yet you are fuming? I have to agree with the PP, not the Police you should be feeling angry with!

IamWaggingBrenda · 03/07/2019 15:25

For poster agreeing that they should give a day’s notice: while it would have been helpful to the OP, the police don’t have a ‘to do’ list, and know when they will arrest people in the future. As one poster said, they may have pulled his car over, or they may have been trying for days to pick him up. They don’t have the luxury of sitting outside his house waiting for him to arrive. Breathe deeply, call them back and give them a statement.

browzingss · 03/07/2019 15:28

The thing is, once you make the report the police/cps can continue on with the case without your involvement. This means that even if the police called you to give you a warning that he was being arrested, you wouldn’t be able to stop them by saying that you want the charges dropped for example. Obviously their court proceedings will be more difficult without your assistance though.

Do let the police know that you have further fears of domestic violence now.

Hithere12 · 03/07/2019 15:31

This thread should be moved to Relationships, you’ll get more support on there. I’m sorry for what you are going through OP.

Thump · 03/07/2019 15:45

Police are the victims here? PMSL.

FFS the woman has had her life threatened and is living in fear. Police call her, tell her they have him in custody and there's a time limit on how long they can hold him without her making a statement/them having that evidence to charge him.

Unless you've been through the police process, you don't understand it and yes it can seem willy-nilly at the best of times.

Let's not lose sight of the fact that the OP is the victim here. It's not the police her ex has threatened. It's her.

Buster72 · 03/07/2019 15:47

The police had two months to get a statement. So arresting him now just to get a statement is actually a breach of PACE.

In the 8 weeks they would have had chance to invite him in for an interview, which would have been proportionate.

As for advising her he would be arrested it is appropriate to keep the OP updated.

But it's happened so she needs to give the statement, unless they mean a further statement to clarify issues he has bought up in interview.

Thump · 03/07/2019 15:48

To the OP - the wisest advice I can give you is to ring the police back, and arrange to go to interview. How long are they holding him for? Does it have to be today? Can you get there this evening?
Once that's done, they can charge him and remand him in custody or release him on bail with conditions (such as not going within 100m of your house etc.).

I know it's fucking frustrating and you're not prepared and etc. etc., but you've two choices - police or take a chance that he won't carry through with the threat.

Thump · 03/07/2019 15:50

Now is the time that you need to move OP. Yes, the police are slow, but when they get the ball rolling, you need to run with it....

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 15:57

Let's not lose sight of the fact that the OP is the victim here. It's not the police her ex has threatened. It's her. She is the victim of the threats from ex, she isn't a victim of the police. She wasted their time which means time they could be dealing with other problems. Not a good idea to involve the police if you don't want to see it through.

By the way who says I haven't got experience of DV or police involvement? Your spidey senses have let you down there.

Coronapop · 03/07/2019 16:03

I think OP has every right to be angry if her ex was making death threats and she made 6 phone calls to the police that were effectively ignored. It is shameful that the police did nothing for 2 months. However it would be worth making the statement so that he has to face the consequences.

Toooldtocareanymore · 03/07/2019 16:04

@falafelaboutit you are correct , I didn't mean to imply the reporting of ex threats was wasting time, its absolutely correct thing to do, its the irritation of OP being "fuming at police" when they are doing their job, taking these matters seriously, with such limited resources, and she basically decides she doesn't want to give a statement now- for the reasons in her post.

So sorry yes still in my book she's is BU. And no I do not accept this is victim blaming, this is answering the question she posed. Which bit of my post implied any blame was hers?

Justaboy · 03/07/2019 16:11

I reported my ex husband two months ago because he was sending me death threats

Thats a pretty serious offence so I think you should make a statment to see if an end can be put to that behaviour.

If your OK with those carrying on then, well;!

pikapikachu · 03/07/2019 16:23

OP you would be reasonable to be fuming at the government who have cut police funding to the point that it took them 2 months to get back to you. Yanbu to report your ex to the police.

The police are not unreasonable not to warn you of his arrest. Considering that you backed down on CMS and pressing charges, I'd wager that the likelihood of you warning him that the police would arrest him
would be very high. By backing down you have shown him that this is the way to get you to do what he wants.

He's the sort of man to send death threats- of course there's a high possibility that he'd get into trouble and do something vile like shoot his mouth off to someone else. Your statement could have helped the police prove that this is a recurring pattern of behaviour and helped the other case.

KnifeAngel · 03/07/2019 16:55

You are being ridiculous. You asked them to arrest him and now you are moaning about it. How could they give you a warning?

Pinkmalinky · 03/07/2019 17:00

I completely understand your perspective. AIBU probably isn’t the right place for this thread, people tend to be quite harsh. You have been through an ordeal and trauma, you probably came to terms with the police not acting and your ex disappeared anyway so win, win. Then the police suddenly raked it all back up months later with no warning... Its bound to make you panic. I don’t think people with no experience of DV can even begin to understand.

Take some deep breaths, is there anyone you know IRL who can support you through this? It’s entirely up to you but I would personally give the statement and proceed with claiming CMS for you children’s sake.

samb80 · 03/07/2019 19:58

I would be angry if I was you, at the police and your ex.
When you report a crime you expect it to be dealt with at the time not TWO MONTHS later.
Your in a vulnerable position if your ex is behaving it that manner and the police should have realised that.

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