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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s inevitable that something awful will happen to my son

65 replies

MelaniaPump · 03/07/2019 07:46

My DS is 18. His mental health has been declining for the past two years. Last year he was arrested twice for assault. The second time was pretty bad and he could have been facing a manslaughter charge but he (and victim) were “lucky”. Somehow he got away with it.
He assaulted my husband a number of times whilst living here and just before Christmas he attempted suicide in a very violent manner - ended up surrounded by police cars and ambulances in a public place and was then rushes to hospital where he had to have emergency surgery to repair the damage. He was then detained under mental health act and held in secure unit for 3 weeks. They let him out with no proper assessment. He did not engage with community health services, missed appointments and has now been discharged.

Long story short, I couldn’t have him living at home anymore. He’s violent and frightening. My own mental health was rapidly declining and i almost lost my job.

He’s now living independently. He got a job and was doing well for ages but now it’s all happening again. He keeps having violent outbursts and depressive episodes and has now hurt his girlfriend because she broke up with him following a bad dream (!!??)

I don’t know what to do. I can’t have him back here. He doesn’t engage with MH services ... I’m starting to think it’s inevitable that he will end up in prison or worse.

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 03/07/2019 07:54

Sounds more likely that your son will do something awful to someone else. These things aren't "happening to" him - he is causing them with his actions.

I know it must be difficult for you to watch, but if he is unwilling to engage with help, and stop the violence, then prison may be the best place for him. He is a danger to society.

BarbarianMum · 03/07/2019 07:55

I'm so sorry. Flowers But yes, there is very little help available if he wants it (he would have to fight for it) and absolutely nothing if he doesn't want to engage. Its a very nasty catch 22 for the mentally ill. And there is nothing that you can do except hope he (and those around him) survives the next crisis.

theWarOnPeace · 03/07/2019 07:57

Does he have any kind of diagnosis?

JamaicaGinger · 03/07/2019 08:00

I'd be very worried about the girlfriend - what's her situation? Can she get out and go to family?

NCforanonymity · 03/07/2019 08:02

How can prison be the best place for him SingleDad? That’d be the worst place for him, he’s not going to get help with his MH there, it’d make him worse. OP is you think he’s a danger to himself or others then I think you have grounds to get him sectioned. Speak to your GP as a first port of call.

Original poster
MelaniaPump · 03/07/2019 08:02

Girlfriend doesn’t live with him. She’s left and has officially broken up with him. He’s texting me now saying he needs help today. I’ve told him to ring crisis team but from experience they don’t do anything.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 03/07/2019 08:04

To be honest it sounds more likely that something awful is going to happen to someone else, by his hands.

MarthasGinYard · 03/07/2019 08:06

'has now hurt his girlfriend because she broke up with him'

Is she ok? Has he physically hurt her?

It sounds like he's a danger to others rather than himself physically.

Are you able to contact the crisis team on his behalf?

Original poster
MelaniaPump · 03/07/2019 08:06

He took himself to A&E last week saying he was feeling extremely angry and felt like he might hurt someone ... they said they were too busy and sent him away

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 03/07/2019 08:07

Do not move him back in with you. He's even less likely to receive any support if he lives with his mum because you will be expected to care for him and pick up the pieces every time something goes wrong. You will all end up extremely miserable and it won't do you or him any good in the long run.

Sounds like he needs another MH assessment. He should go to the hospital, or if perhaps you could call them for him.

jaseyraex · 03/07/2019 08:10

Oh OP that sounds awful. Is getting him sectioned a possibility? There is very little you can do if he won't engage though which I know is frustrating. He definitely needs an assessment of some sort.

BertieBotts · 03/07/2019 08:12

Could you afford to pay for him to see a private psychiatrist?

NottonightJosepheen · 03/07/2019 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MelaniaPump · 03/07/2019 08:15

No official diagnosis. When it all kicked off last time it was suspected he had undiagnosed autism but he never went for the assessment. They played with the idea of bipolar/personally disorder and even psychopathic disorder but he played them well in hospital ... said all the right things, turned on the charm and they decided there was nothing wrong with him.

Put it this way - when he was told he was going to be detained under the mental health act he said “ok” and then started rattling on about the sequence of star wars movies and how the story plays out in the films. The psychiatrist said he appeared to have no empathy and no feeling about anything

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 03/07/2019 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenMab99 · 03/07/2019 08:16

This is very hard and I feel for you, 10 years ago this was me, although my son was not violent to others. Look after your selves, physicality mentally and spiritually, as there is not a lot you can do for him, except give support when he needs it, and will accept it. You can only do your best as it appears to you at the time so do not blame yourself for whatever has happened, or happens in the future. You can survive this, whatever the outcome for your son.

Original poster
MelaniaPump · 03/07/2019 08:17

I can’t understand how he’s had no consequences for anything that he’s done either. The last assault went to the CPS and they said that because victim hadn’t come forward there was no case (it was all on CCTV)

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 03/07/2019 08:17

He took himself to A&E last week saying he was feeling extremely angry and felt like he might hurt someone ... they said they were too busy and sent him away

This sounds most unlikely. Is this what he told you?

If A&E only saw patients when they weren’t busy, no one would ever get seen.

Fallofrain · 03/07/2019 08:17

In our area gp or a+e can refer to crisis team.
Is it possible that he might now want to engage with services?

Original poster
MelaniaPump · 03/07/2019 08:19

That’s what he told me about a&e yes. I think he just didn’t want to wait when he realised he’d be there a while.

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 03/07/2019 08:22

I feel for you op. I know first hand with regards to my DM how shit the mental health services are. My mum was wondering the streets at night in her dressing and a hammer because she thought people were hiding in her house trying to kill her. She also tried getting into a primary school because she could hear one of us screaming for help and being held hostage. There were other incidents too but it still wasn't enough to get her sectioned so I know how frustrating it is.

My advice would be to keep hounding the crisis team until someone listens. Someone eventually did in my DM case

Fallofrain · 03/07/2019 08:22

In terms of sectioning, he can also be refered by gp or a+e again. a nearest relative (usually is father) can also apply under to have him assessed for detention.

However people cant be sectioned for purely being voilent, it would have to be as a result of a mental health crisis.

I would recommend a+e if he needs to be seen urgently. As someone above said, it might be a very long wait but he will eventually be seen if he waits

sevenoftwelve · 03/07/2019 08:27

You can't just get someone sectioned. To detain somebody under the MHA for longer than to assess them they have to have a mental disorder capable of being treated. If in assessing them no mental disorder is identified and therefore no treatable mental disorder or treatment plan exists, there are no legal grounds to detain them under the MHA.

Police can't use the mental health act to detain someone in private premises (I.e. Their home) only in public places. And only then where they are in immediate need of being controlled or treated. All it results in is 24 hour hold in order for MHA assessment to be undertaken, and if no grounds for further detention are determined it will then end...

I am simplifying complex legislation, but broadly that's it. You can't just demand to have somebody "sectioned" and then they get locked up for an indeterminate period regardless of whether any diagnosis is made or treatment is possible.

If he's threatening violence and/or being violent then the police should be called.

Was there something that started all this in the first place?

Is his former girlfriend ok?

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 08:29

I can believe it about a&e. I went to a&e after an accident, broken leg, and there was a very distressed young man who had been waiting 12 hours to see someone from the psychiatric team. When he went to the desk he said he hadn't had anything to eat or drink because he was frightened of missing his turn and how long would it be. The receptionist had a look at something, computer screen?, and said the person he needed to see had gone home a couple of hours ago and there was no point waiting.

The system is that poor for MH.

TheRedBarrows · 03/07/2019 08:34

OP, this sounds heartbreaking.

Clearly all is not well and his suicide attempt should have triggered more intervention. It seems that sectioning people happens much less often now.

I have no advice but feel for your anguish.