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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell ExDH where we are going?

66 replies

KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 16:58

ExDH has turned up on every holiday I have taken the kids on. We went to Portugal, he flew over for two days and insisted on seeing them. We went to Cornwall, he drove there are insisted on taking them to the Eden project. We went to Legoland, he appeared and persuaded me to let him take the kids one day. I took them up north and he couldn't get there and was furious with me. I should say, he has taken them to all sorts of places and I would never go.
I am absolutely fed up with it. I have very little money and he takes the kids out to expensive places, buys them presents etc and I can't.

I am taking them to Alton Towers next week. We are just going for two days and staying in a cheap hotel nearby. It's midweek and he will probably be working. He will be really angry when he finds out we have been and not told him. WIBU to do that? I should add that both my DDs have a very difficult relationship with him and would prefer he wasn't there.

OP posts:
Original poster
KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 17:00

I should add that I would be annoyed if he took the kids on a long-ish trip and didn't tell me. I would have no problem with telling him if I was sure he wouldn't appear.

OP posts:
floppybit · 02/07/2019 17:00

No! YANBU! I've never heard anything like this, it's bonkers behaviour!!

RebootYourEngine · 02/07/2019 17:00

I wouldnt tell him that you were going. Or if you have to I would lie and say you are going somewhere in the opposite direction.

How old are your DC? Are they old enough to tell him that it's weird.

CloudPop · 02/07/2019 17:01

Tell him you're going to Florida

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2019 17:01

both my DDs have a very difficult relationship with him and would prefer he wasn't there

Why do you keep making them go on days out with him? He sounds like a nut job. Is it court ordered contact? How old are the DC?

Definitely don't tell him where you're going.

autumnboys · 02/07/2019 17:01

YADNBU! Don’t tell him, enjoy the peaceful break. (He can’t locate the kids through phones, can he?)

BanginChoons · 02/07/2019 17:02

No, don't tell him. You need to set some boundaries here. Your time with them is your time. He can take them out places in his time.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/07/2019 17:03

Dont tell him for UK trips. Or at most, on the morning you go that you are going to Stoke. (He doesn't need to know what you do there).

Whathappenedtooursummer · 02/07/2019 17:06

Yes to Florida.Give him false hotel details.. And an expensive one...

LagunaBubbles · 02/07/2019 17:08

This is really odd behaviour! Sounds very controlling in a way to. So no don't tell him!

wevraver · 02/07/2019 17:08

He sounds really controlling. It’s like he won’t allow you or the children any fun unless he’s there. 100% don’t tell him. It’s only 2 days in the uk, it’s hardly like you’re taking them to Mexico for a fortnight. He has no reason to know.

John470322 · 02/07/2019 17:16

In my opinion I have no right to know where my ExW is,
I like the idea of Florida as he seems to be totally out of order.

MrsJonesAndMe · 02/07/2019 17:16

You ar most definitely not unreasonable. Tell us more about the context!? Sounds quite deranged.

dillusionaldog · 02/07/2019 17:16

oh god i would find this really funny to tell him you were going to expensive places and not go. "going to alton towers on friday". then when he asks where you were say "oh, changed our minds".

wevraver · 02/07/2019 17:17

I’m guessing he was very controlling when you were together?

adaline · 02/07/2019 17:17

Goodness me, he sounds very odd.

Is contact court-ordered?

Fatted · 02/07/2019 17:19

I'd tell him you were off up everest or somewhere equally ridiculous. See what he says then.

Jemima232 · 02/07/2019 17:19

Just don't tell him FFS.

He can't turn up if he doesn't know where you're going.

He definitely sounds like a nut job. It's none of his business now he's your Ex.

Can you get a Court Order? It sounds like you need legal advice.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Original poster
KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 17:20

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
I haven't taken them away for a couple of years and the kids' relationship with him has deteriorated since then. He doesn't have court-ordered access. The kids regularly make a fuss of going with him but that's a whole other thread.
The are 13 and 10. I can't tell him I'm going to Florida because that would cross over one of his weekends and he'd be furious.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 02/07/2019 17:22

Don’t tell him anything. It’s none of his business.

wevraver · 02/07/2019 17:23

At 11 and 13 they should have some say in whether or not they see him. Don’t make them if they don’t want to. Let him take you to court: a court won’t force children of that age to spend time with him if they dont want to.

Jemima232 · 02/07/2019 17:24

He will be really angry when he finds out we've been and not told him

And...……. what? What will he do?

You're afraid of him (quite rightly) and he is not respecting your boundaries at all.

Why is he your Ex? What controlling behaviours did he exhibit when you were married?

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this, OP. It isn't on. It's bordering on stalking.

You should be free from fear now that you're divorced.

Original poster
KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 17:27

@wevraver Is that true everywhere? I'm in Scotland. My oldest DD would love to stop seeing him.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 02/07/2019 17:31

Yup 13 it's pretty much accepted that courts will not force contact. A 11 year old would normally be heard by a judge too.

Id be looking to go back to court personally in your circumstances and siting some pretty unreasonable behavior.

Original poster
KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 17:34

@Jemima232 We are divorced because he is massively selfish with an enormous ego. I'm not sure he is controlling...just has a huffy attitude where he feels sorry for himself and believes it's his right to see the kids whenever he likes. He has zero empathy.

OP posts:
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