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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell ExDH where we are going?

66 replies

KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 16:58

ExDH has turned up on every holiday I have taken the kids on. We went to Portugal, he flew over for two days and insisted on seeing them. We went to Cornwall, he drove there are insisted on taking them to the Eden project. We went to Legoland, he appeared and persuaded me to let him take the kids one day. I took them up north and he couldn't get there and was furious with me. I should say, he has taken them to all sorts of places and I would never go.
I am absolutely fed up with it. I have very little money and he takes the kids out to expensive places, buys them presents etc and I can't.

I am taking them to Alton Towers next week. We are just going for two days and staying in a cheap hotel nearby. It's midweek and he will probably be working. He will be really angry when he finds out we have been and not told him. WIBU to do that? I should add that both my DDs have a very difficult relationship with him and would prefer he wasn't there.

OP posts:
Rubytinsleslippers · 02/07/2019 17:35

I'd let him take you to court. The judge will listen to children as they are old enough. He is hassling you and stalking.
Different if you were going abroad for a few weeks or eating into his time but he is totally encroaching on yours and you are letting him. You are no longer a family unit, he needs to realise this. A judge will set the boundary if he is intimidating you to the point you can't.

Original poster
KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 17:37

But he pretty much does whatever he likes whenever he likes and always has done.

OP posts:
Passtherioja · 02/07/2019 17:37

When I read the subject I was going to so you absolutely are being unreasonable....but having read the detail you are NOT. What a nut job!!!

If it doesn't cross over his access tell him nothing-as long as you're ok with him not telling you if he's taking them away (or you can make sure the girls tell you)

Bizarre!!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/07/2019 17:39

Urgh I'd make up a fake place. Yes, ex, I'm taking the girls to Portugal. Then turn up in Florida.

Jeremybearimybaby · 02/07/2019 17:39

www.tcyoung.co.uk/blog/2011/family-law/child-custody-listen-to-the-children
The law is on your DC's side OP. I'd be investigating this further if I were you. And don't tell him where you're going. Will the DC tell him?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/07/2019 17:39

Also, presumably he is contacting you once he arrives - why even answer the phone?

Or just tell him the country and not the exact area.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2019 17:41

Go, don't tell him and when you get back and he makes a fuss tell him if he doesn't like it to take you to court.

Or are you afraid he's going to come round and kick off?

Apileofballyhoo · 02/07/2019 17:41

How does he know where you are if it's not his contact days? Do you tell him everywhere you go?

WomanLikeMeLM · 02/07/2019 17:42

Why on earth would you tell him? Do not tell him anything, what you do with your children in your time is none of his concern. He is controlling and quite simply ridiculous turning up on every holiday you have been on. Thats bordering stalking.

LetsSplashMummy · 02/07/2019 17:44

Don't tell him and if you do, you could accidentally get the name wrong, Thorpe Park, did you say? Easy mistake to make...

Ayemama · 02/07/2019 17:44

That is completely insane. It's like he's making sure you guys don't have any big memories or experiences that he isn't involved with which is definitely not ok?
Have you tried just telling him to fuck off?
By this point I'm sure you are but it's worth checking.

Just tell him you are taking them to a theme park as a holiday for the three of you for a few days during the holidays but refuse to give details and if he asks why tell him he knows fine well why and leave it at that.

TBH courts might be the way to go so he doesn't keep intruding on your time with DC as someone said above after 10/11 (can't remember which) legally kids have a say as the who they stay/spend time with etc. I live in Scotland too and a lawyer told me this.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 02/07/2019 17:45

At 12 my ds went nc with exh despite 50 /50 court ordered.. Exh did nothing...

Ayemama · 02/07/2019 17:47

It definitely sounds a bit stalkerish and controlling.

greenwaterbottle · 02/07/2019 17:51

I'd tell him the girls are old enough to organise their time him, give him their (brand new) email and block him.
Check it once a week

Doyoumind · 02/07/2019 17:51

I've never heard of anything like this. Do not tell him. It's none of his business whatsoever. You should not have had put up with this for so long. He is a controlling twat. No wonder your DC have a bad relationship with him.

IceQueenCometh · 02/07/2019 17:53

You don't need to inform him unless yo're leaving the country, in which case you need his consent (in England anyway), but even in that case you only need to provide the destination country, not the address.

You are entitled to enjoy a holiday with your DCs without his disruption. I would, as a matter of course, withhold precise destinations from him in future. If he kicks off, tell him to take you to court. If he doesn't stop, apply for a restraining order. This behavior is completely unacceptable.

Dillydallyingthrough · 02/07/2019 17:55

OP I don't understand this, you don't need to tell him anything that you do with DC in your time. This is ridiculous!

Do not tell him anything, not as suggested above such as another theme park or the area. Just don't say anything.

Let him get huffy, if he starts messaging you abuse advise him to stop or you will block him and then do it.

He is your EX - you have separate lives and you need to outline some clear boundaries.

Original poster
KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 18:00

The only reason I have told him in the past is that if he took the kids on a long trip, even in the UK, I would want to know where they were just in case. I don't think that's unreasonable. I don't want to be unreasonable in return. But this time, I'm not going to tell him. I just wanted to check whether I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 02/07/2019 18:03

Why are you allowing this intrusion? All this he insisted, he persuaded, he is selfish, he does what he wants etc is not on. You have to own your role in this. You allowed yourself to be bullied into doing an unreasonable thing that he wanted even though it went against your wishes and your DDs wishes. You did that. Not him.

You are divorced. You can choose to say no. You can choose to not even talk to him ever again in your entire life. All communication can be done by email.

You dislike the selfish bastard enough to divorce him but you make the children go to him whenever the whim takes him, seemingly to get him off your case. Don't use your children as your human shields. Say no. Mean no. Enforce no. Go to court.

I would definitely fuck with him on this one. Find somewhere as far from your house as Alton Towers but in the opposite direction, tell him you are going there and tell him very very clearly that if he turns up you and the girls will not see him at all so he is not to travel there as it will be a total waste. In writing. Then sit back, wait for the storm and gather all that lovely evidence of his behaviour for the court.

This all assumes he is not violent. Don't put yourself at risk. Grey rock, email contact only and no details of where you are going if he is dangerous.

The door is unlocked and opened but you'll not be free until you actually step out of the cage.

sonjadog · 02/07/2019 18:09

You are only going for a couple of days. Don't tell him.

BlueSkiesLies · 02/07/2019 18:13

Why on earth woudl you tell him where you are going, in this country, for 2 days on his non-contact days?

Original poster
KevinKlineSwoon · 02/07/2019 18:18

@TowelNumber42 I do see how you read it this way, but it really isn't like this. I do not use my children as a shield. I'm not scared of him. I think he is an arsehole, though.

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 02/07/2019 18:38

So just don't tell him, then. If you're not afraid of him and you think he's an arsehole, don't tell him you're going anywhere.

Bollocks to that.

And it does sound like stalking, actually, so I'd be looking at getting the courts to decide about this.

swingofthings · 02/07/2019 18:44

Is school over next week or are you taking them out of school? If so, especially considering that he could be fined himself for the kids missing school, he'd be right to be furious not being aware and really have a say.

Otherwise, how will he know anyway if the kids don't tell him?

WhiteVixen · 02/07/2019 18:48

swingofthings OP has said she’s in Scotland. Scottish schools broke up last week.

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