Should I complain to the University about this?

[MonstranceClock]

I had to go in this morning to return something that was supposed to be returned last week, however, as my daughter has chicken pox I wasn't able to go in.
This wasn't an issue, but the woman that I had to deal with was really rude to me about my age.
When I explained why I hadn't been in, she looked visibly shocked and said;
"You have a daughter? What? How old are you?"
"I'm 26, why?"
"Oh my god, how old is your daughter?"
"4, about to turn 5."
"Jesus, single mum?"
"That's none of your business."

The tone wasn't a light surprised tone, which I've experienced before as in "Wow, you loook young!" but it was the sort of voice you use when you've just found out some terrible news!
I just dumped the item i needed to return down on her desk and left before I kicked off at her. I'm also visibly pregnant so felt even more judged.
Would you just let it go or would you make a complaint? I wouldn't even know where to start.

Make a complaint .

What's her role? TBH if she's an academic, complaining to a HoD at this time of year about her being rude is completely pointless.

I say this as an academic.

Trying to work out were you speaking to a member of uni. staff?

Yes you should. Yanbu.

Yes, member of staff. I guess like a secretary?

@MonstranceClock If she's a member of an academic department, you would need to complain to the HoD but my point above still stands. Don't be surprised if nothing's done at all about this or you just receive a pithy apology. We have an administrator who is sometimes awful to students. We've had a few complaints but administrative staff are very well-insulated and well-protected at universities so the HoD and management team may well close around her.

If, though, she's working for central services (i.e. not in an academic department) you might get more joy from a complaint.

Either way, yes, I think you need to complain. Look up the EDI policy and cite that at them when you get in contact.

Sometimes I read this kind of thing and think 'nahhh, surely that didn't happen? No-one would talk to someone like that!'

Then I saw THIS on Twitter today, and think 'YEP, it probably DID happen, because some people are arseholes!'

twitter.com/roo_jenna/status/1145418354498461698

Sorry you had to endure this @MonstranceClock

Yes complain. It's none of her bloody business. I'd be amazed if there hasn't been prior complaints.

I don't usually leap to this conclusion, but possibly she was on the autism spectrum? So just not filtering like most people would. I would try to just brush this off if you can.

I think you are over reacting. "Single mum" isn't an insult: I would assume she was being sympathetic. I'd forget it!

I know it's not an insult. But it was the way she said it.

I would complain.

I find it pretty poor that this should be put down to autism .

In fact it’s ridiculous .

There are a lot of rude people out there who deserve to be told when they are crossing the line .

Bringing autism into this is an absolute disgrace .

Rude. I would complain if you can be specific enough to identify her. I don’t see any reason to think that she might have been autistic.

My parents married when they were 20 and 21, had me a year or so later and are still together happily married 35 years later. It’s worked out brilliantly for me that my children have relatively young grandparents.

If you’re a single mum, I particularly applaud you for doing a uni course. My mum was a mature student when I was 10-14 and I was nothing but proud. Only when I was a student myself did I realise how hard she must have worked.

I know I am particularly sensitive atm, I lost my husband at the beginning of the year and I'm pregnant (long story) but she really made me feel like a piece of shit, for no reason. I was literally there to return a piece of equpiment.

I would make a formal complaint via your University's complaints procedure. I work in this field and would take this seriously. It's not ok to speak to people in this way.

I've emailed my personal tutor, so will start with her. Now I've come home and thought about it, I'm fuming.

We have a member of staff who is occasionally very rude to students...we keep sending him on training courses and he is slowly improving..

Please do complain!

Sorry for your loss . That must be unspeakably hard, and for a cow like that to fling “Single Mum” at you is unspeakable. You should complain so that she learns quite how much damage an ill-considered comment like that can do.

Thing is, that at about this time of year every excuse under the sun is draggged out by students to explain late work, plead for extra marks etc etc etc.

You may simply have caught an over-worked underpaid administrator after she'd been dealing with a series of whining students. I am often shocked at the way undergrads speak to professional/administrative services staff (including you - she's not a secretary, but an administrator).

It's bad enough when they send illiterate emails to me seeking last-minute help, but I'm paid enough to rise above rude students. My administrative colleagues are not.

I'd let it go. What do you want to achieve by complaining? I'm sure the woman who dealt with you would love to complain about the students who are short with her, but she can't. And students are rarely pulled up on their behaviour.

Note: I'm not saying you were rude - it sounds like you were perfectly polite. I'm just trying to fill in the gaps about why the administrator with whom you dealt may have been short with you.

I've emailed my personal tutor, so will start with her. Now I've come home and thought about it, I'm fuming.

Sorry, OP, but this wasn't the right thing to do. If one of my personal tutees emailed me about this I'd be really pissed off. You need to email the woman's manager. You should be able to find this out given you know what department/service she works in.

She was rude, no question about that.
However, do you really need to complain? You made your disgust felt at the time. Isn't that enough?
Hopefully, if she is a decent human being, she reflected on it and realised that she was tactless and judgemental. If she isn't decent, no amount of complaining will make a difference really.
Sometimes we are all quick to scream, 'report!' but I do wonder what we expect to come from this.
Her interpretation of the events is likely to be very different to yours, and no employer would discipline a staff member on someone else's say so alone. And if they did, is her rudeness really sufficient for you to want to impact her job prospects?
She was rude.
You told her where to shove it.
Can't that be the end of the matter?
Unless there is some ongoing persecution here, I would be inclined to just let the matter go. Tell yourself she was having a bad day. You will feel much better for it.

Agree with hazell42. complaining won't get you anywhere, and when you look at what she actually said, it's not that rude. the tone of voice would be missing from any complaint, or any response to it (always supposing it was actually acted upon, which I sincerely doubt). put it behind you and move on, otherwise you are simply prolonging the agony. btw you couldn't be feeling just the teensiest bit over-sensitive at the moment, could you?

Dear OP,

I worked in academia for 6 years including working closely with administrative support staff. I appreciate that at the end of the academic year staff are tired and maybe not as patient as they are are the start but so are students! You were able to be polite in the face of unacceptable rudeness and judgement. I can see absolutely no mitigation for the behaviour you experienced. I would complain and urge you to do the same.

She asked you how old you are, how old your daughter is, if you’re a single Mum....none of her bloody business! I think you have every right to complain!