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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely I'm not the only one with this 'attitude' is it a bad way to be?

52 replies

HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:28

Couldn't think of a better word other than attitude?

I see lots of threads about kids parties for example
Feeling like they have to invite whole class or siblings. And it just amazes me.
I have a teen and until 10 he had parties or activities every year.. He was told you can invite x amount of kids depending on the activity and price. It was his choice. If he didn't want to invite the child he's played with the most for whatever reason then so be it. It's his birthday. Likewise there was parties he didn't get invited to.. He always understood because like his own parties he knew that they had limits to numbers.
When I see people be In a 'dilemma' when a CF has asked to bring a sibling.
My first thought,( and i have done in similar situations,) is just reply 'no sorry unfortunately there's not space or whatever, feel free to drop of the invited child and leave with me its no problem'

Same for things like weddings. We're getting married soon. And we invited who we wanted.. There was no 'well if we invite cousin '1 and 4' we have to also include '2 and 3.' just because their siblings of each other. If we don't see them or have much contact then why would it matter. Same with aunts and uncles, friends etc. Especially fake ones..
Even when my nan said its unfair we didn't invite xyz.. Well unfortunately in our opinion it's our wedding and it's what we want.

My mum often says I'm like my dad and am 'hard faced' but surely that's not a bad thing
.. Is it?

I'm not horrible person and I help anyone who needs it. However I won't let people take me for a ride.. If they do, that's that, no more favors.
If someone back stabs me..thats me going nc with them.
Because of this I have fewer good friends than most, with lots of friends I see occasionally. But i think that's good because it means they're proper friends.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 02/07/2019 13:30

I want to know more about the cousins.Grin

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 13:33

I have never worried about who to invite to stuff.

I dont think it's hard faced. Just practical.

I dont really let many people pull at my heart strings or guilt me into anything.

But then I would always go out of my way for my family and friends. But I do have clear lines.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 02/07/2019 13:35

^ THIS 100 times over OP.....😁😁 I'm exactly the same as you. If that makes me hard faced, so be it !!! Life isn't rocket science 😂😂😂😂

Original poster
HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:36

The cousins is just simply we're different. We see a few of them and not others so why invite them? Nothing special lol.

Glad I'm not the only one. Practical is a much better word.
I don't do the tug at heart strings either.

OP posts:
Original poster
HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:39

Thanks. Sometimes it just makes me stop and think.. Like now

My dad is very much the same
He's very opinionated and stubborn. I'm the same.
I live by, if. You don't like me, tuff, I won't lose sleep over it but don't be fake and pretend to like me...

My mum on the other hand. A family member walks all over her
She always says, right no more favours for them.. 1 day later doing a favour. Sod that!

OP posts:
MysweetAudrina · 02/07/2019 13:39

I just hate the thought of a child feeling left out so I always make sure that if dd or ds are having a party that they don't leave out one child. Like if there is friendship group of 4 then I would suggest inviting all of them rather than leaving 1 out. And because I try to consider others feelings rather than just my own then it makes it more difficult as you are weighing up how 20 others might feel instead of just how you feel which is much more simple and straightforward.

Halloumimuffin · 02/07/2019 13:40

You've used a few different examples though. Wedding, yes invite who you want and cousin 3 shouldn't expect to be invited if they don't ever speak to you. Ditto CF asking to bring extra kids to events.

But kids parties...I do think there is something to be said for not leaving only a few people out of a party. Kids might not all be emotionally mature enough to realise why they've been left out and be hurt because all they see is everyone else having fun. Same for suddenly dropping a kid who your DS plays with all the time because 'it's his choice' - maybe, but that poor kid is probably going to wonder what the hell they did wrong and feel terrible. Think we should encourage kids to be more kind and considerate rather than self-centred.

notso · 02/07/2019 13:40

Most people I know who are 'hard faced' are actually only like this towards other people.

When it's their kid not invited to their best friends birthday or them not invited to a cousins wedding they soon change their tune.

Halloumimuffin · 02/07/2019 13:41

I live by, if. You don't like me, tuff, I won't lose sleep over it

Sorry but pretty much everyone I know with this 'mantra' is actually just using it as an excuse for why they're a rude person who doesn't think of other people

Serenity45 · 02/07/2019 13:42

YANBU OP I'm pretty much the same. I'm a kind, polite person and I will bend over backwards for people I care about but if someone takes the piss I have no problem in telling them.

I don't have kids yet but really hoping to avoid all the bullshit and CFS I've read about on MN! But quietly confident that I will navigate through with my moral compass intact Smile

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 02/07/2019 13:43

I absolutely don’t think you’re hard faced @HereForAdvice2019 and my wonder is if your mum is a dyed in the wool people pleaser?

Truly if everyone were as considerately direct early on in some of the sagas we see on here, so much stress and bad feeling could be avoided in the world.

MyOpinionIsValid · 02/07/2019 13:43

very opinionated and stubborn.

Sounds just like Mouth Brian down the pub. No one likes him either.

In actuality, it's a defence mechanism to avoid people getting too close.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 13:44

I just hate the thought of a child feeling left out

But that doesnt mean it has to be a whole class party.

Dd (now 15) would do something with her immediate friends. So anything from 3-8 of them.

In classes of 30, there is not one or just a couple getting left out.

Original poster
HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:45

Regarding parties. He normally had between 5 or 10 invited. 30 in his class, 60 in year group. So wasn't just 1 or 2 left out.. Sorry should of said.

And honestly my ds has missed loads of parties because he wasn't invited. I just said, they have limits like you did. He understood
Same as myself. Over the years I've not been invited to many things and I have never been fussed
They obviously had their reasoning.. Example my DB is getting married in the Autumn just after us.. He was limited on numbers. So it's just me invited for the actual ceremony not DHTB and kids till the eve. That's one of them things.

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 02/07/2019 13:45

When reading your Op, I had a mental image of that sort of slightly spread legged swagger, with the c'mon then if you think yer 'ard e'nuff sort of stance.

newmomof1 · 02/07/2019 13:46

I am with you 10000%!

AlaskanOilBaron · 02/07/2019 13:47

You sound a bit scary and I’d give you a wide berth.

Original poster
HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:47

Haha my dad is opinionnated and stubborn. But he still has a very close group of friends who he socialises with on a weekly basis.

I never treat people bad and as I said I always help if needed but not if take the piss out of me..

OP posts:
Halloumimuffin · 02/07/2019 13:47

I suppose some people are thicker-skinned than others and it's great that your DS hasn't had any negative feeling over classroom dramas. I'd flip if my brother didn't invite my DH and kids to his wedding though! I guess different things just bother different people.

Original poster
HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:49

Haha no swagger here.
I used to be quite a push over in my younger years. And learned the hard way regarding friends family and relationships so guess that's partly what's made me who I am today

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 02/07/2019 13:51

“Over the treats, I’ve not been invited to many things.”

Perhaps a message for you there OP.Grin

PuppyMonkey · 02/07/2019 13:51

“Over the years” that should say.Blush

Original poster
HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:52

Regarding my dB wedding. Yes it was a. Bit disheartening but his venue is very restricted on numbers. And it came Down to partners or grandparents. They're limited to I belive 30 people.. The eve is for everyone..

OP posts:
Roomette · 02/07/2019 13:52

Not in the least 'hard-faced'. You sound like someone with a mother like mine, an inveterate people-pleaser, who discovered at some point as you grew up that it was possible to consider other people's opinions/benefit/comfort/preferences, but not necessary to give them precedence over your own.

Possibly you noticed, as I did in my teens, that people-pleasers are generally not happy people, because they (1) have poor boundaries, (2) are terrified of being disliked because they say no to something, and (3) are often full of suppressed resentment from putting other people first and discovering that other people do not put them first as a quid pro quo.

And of course it's heavily gendered. Women are still disproportionately socialised to feel responsible for other people's feelings and to caretake family relationships.

AyBeeCee10 · 02/07/2019 13:52

I'm exactly like this. I have no time for second chances and pleasing people. If you're good to me I'm good to you. If not I'm done with you. I also dont feel bad about not inviting or being invited to this and that for the sake of it.