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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely I'm not the only one with this 'attitude' is it a bad way to be?

52 replies

HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:28

Couldn't think of a better word other than attitude?

I see lots of threads about kids parties for example
Feeling like they have to invite whole class or siblings. And it just amazes me.
I have a teen and until 10 he had parties or activities every year.. He was told you can invite x amount of kids depending on the activity and price. It was his choice. If he didn't want to invite the child he's played with the most for whatever reason then so be it. It's his birthday. Likewise there was parties he didn't get invited to.. He always understood because like his own parties he knew that they had limits to numbers.
When I see people be In a 'dilemma' when a CF has asked to bring a sibling.
My first thought,( and i have done in similar situations,) is just reply 'no sorry unfortunately there's not space or whatever, feel free to drop of the invited child and leave with me its no problem'

Same for things like weddings. We're getting married soon. And we invited who we wanted.. There was no 'well if we invite cousin '1 and 4' we have to also include '2 and 3.' just because their siblings of each other. If we don't see them or have much contact then why would it matter. Same with aunts and uncles, friends etc. Especially fake ones..
Even when my nan said its unfair we didn't invite xyz.. Well unfortunately in our opinion it's our wedding and it's what we want.

My mum often says I'm like my dad and am 'hard faced' but surely that's not a bad thing
.. Is it?

I'm not horrible person and I help anyone who needs it. However I won't let people take me for a ride.. If they do, that's that, no more favors.
If someone back stabs me..thats me going nc with them.
Because of this I have fewer good friends than most, with lots of friends I see occasionally. But i think that's good because it means they're proper friends.

OP posts:
fraxion · 02/07/2019 13:54

Well unfortunately in our opinion it's our wedding and it's what we want.

Exactly! Good for you. I'll join you in the hard faced corner Grin.

Wild123 · 02/07/2019 13:54

OP i'm like this too. I go out of my way for pretty much anyone if they need help with something, even total strangers, without a second thought.

I'm not married yet but when i do i won't be caring if someone i haven't seen for years is pissed off because they wasnt invited.

I'm always reiterating to my DD 8 that its ok that someone does not like you and its ok for you not to like everyone thats life! Just don't be unkind!

Original poster
HereForAdvice2019 · 02/07/2019 13:58

Thanks. Very much spilt opinions here. But I guess that's what makes us all so different.. Be boring of we were all the same.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 02/07/2019 14:01

Because of this I have fewer good friends than most

Yes, this is true of all the 'one chance and you're out because it's my way or the highway' people I know. Because if you are unforgiving to them, you are very likely to get it back!

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/07/2019 14:01

I've always held that you can't be singling people out, but if you are leaving out a large group, that's acceptable/same 'level' of people.

So 15 friends that DC is close friends with, fine - inviting say, 28 of 29 other children in their class as they are the ones they like, not fine - you find space for the 1.

For weddings, it's harder, because once you start inviting extended family like cousins, you are saying "this is a family gathering" and you are deciding who classes as family, so normally I would say it's the same 'level' invites, all first cousins, or none, it gets harder when you invite one sibling but not the other, if their invite is due to being your family member.

If you are singling people out for no invite, then you need an acceptable repeatable reason that isn't "I dont like you", so "only family members I've seen face to face in the last 2 years" or "only extended family who have actually met my fiance" are reasonable distinctions, not "only family members who I don't think are dull."

Thegirlintheflowerypyjamas · 02/07/2019 14:11

My brother and sister-in-law are like you and I find them annoyingly unsympathetic. Yes, it does make life easier to just apply practicality to every given situation but often a sense of kindness and humanity makes life more complicated. Eg my brother hasn't visited my mother who is recently sick in hospital because he is busy with his own life - none of us expected this sickness and it's a busy time but he won't put himself out in order to help other people. I'm not saying that this is you, op, I'm just saying that too much emphasis on practicality can be good in theory but not very kind in reality

notso · 02/07/2019 14:12

I can't imagine being ok with my husband and kids not being invited to my sisters wedding tbh and I probably wouldn't attend so maybe I'm more hard faced than I thought! I'd be hurt that a place meant more to them than close family.

BlingLoving · 02/07/2019 14:14

I think I'm like you. There are definitely people out there who make it clear they think I'm too direct etc which I struggle to understand as I know (and friends and family tell me this) that while I am quite relaxed etc, I'm not rude or mean.

I think it comes down to feeling quite comfortable being who I am. I hope people like me, but if they don't, I respect that not everyone likes everyone. I don't try to change my behaviour to make people like me.

BlingLoving · 02/07/2019 14:16

having said all that, sometimes there are societal "norms" that I think we all have to respect to maintain things. Eg, I'd never invite 29 children out of 30 to a class event - either it's a few or all, not just excluding one person. Because that's just mean. Ditto, I am fine with weddings being about the people you know and love but I'd be pretty upset nonetheless if Dh was invited to a wedding and I wasn't. And I'd never exclude a friend or family member's long term partner or spouse in such a situation even if I don't particularly like that person looking at you SIL and your wanker DP

Happyspud · 02/07/2019 14:17

The problem with your way of doing things OP is that it leads to unkindnesses. You’ll disagree and come up with lots of ‘well that’s their issue’ responses to that but actually, it’s not a very nice way to be. And before you say it being kind does not mean being a doormat.

MonstranceClock · 02/07/2019 14:18

Adopting the "Not my problem" stance on everything has improved my quality of life substantially. Yes, it's sometimes a selfish way to be, but I out myself and my child before all else and we are much happier for it.

barefootluxury · 02/07/2019 14:18

My guess is you have probably offended and hurt lots of people over the years op. You seem to be almost victorious about being rude and doing everything your way.

It’s your call to invite whoever you like of course, but if you are an emotionally intelligent person you would usually at least think about the consequences.

Why hard faced? More like hard hearted.

I would usually avoid people like you.

dodgeballchamp · 02/07/2019 14:29

Completely agree – and being this way doesn't mean you're unpleasant. Not inviting people you don't speak to is absolutely fine! It's not as if you're deliberately leaving people out to make a point to them, that would make you a dick, but I think the softer sounds often can't differentiate between that and just being practical and assertive. There's a big difference. I would much rather be friends with someone like you than a wimpy people-pleaser who can never stand up for themselves or take responsibility.

dodgeballchamp · 02/07/2019 14:29

Softer sounds? Softer types I mean

OralBElectricToothbrush · 02/07/2019 14:30

Sounds practical and good sense to me! People on MN often tie themselves in knots to outdo one another in the doormat competition and take everything very personally. Not invited? You're not the only one. Get over it. Whole family not invited? Why take umbrage, the hosts aren't giving it a second thought, just decline the invitation if it doesn't suit you and move on.

dodgeballchamp · 02/07/2019 14:34

For weddings, it's harder, because once you start inviting extended family like cousins, you are saying "this is a family gathering" and you are deciding who classes as family, so normally I would say it's the same 'level' invites, all first cousins, or none

Completely disagree. Being biologically related to someone doesn't mean you have to see/speak to them regularly or even like each other. If you do, wonderful! If not, then why invite them? I certainly wouldn't be inviting anyone I actively didn't like to my wedding (not that I plan on getting married) but I find it utter lunacy that people do. I would, though, invite the long-term partners of good friends, even if I didn't know the partners, unless numbers didn't allow (unless I didn't like the partner of course).

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/07/2019 14:36

I think the main issue you have OP, is that if by doing things your way and assuming other people's upset is their problem, not yours - is that the consequences of that upset may become your problem later on, and not just by the people hurt.

I know a couple who applied the rule of "our day, our invites" to their wedding, which of course they are entitled to, but they are still talked about amongst the wider family as the rude couple and the hurt caused is still brought up 7 years later, including by those who did get an invite. They probably don't realise it has cost them anything, but I am close to the family and other family members (who did get invited!) don't go out of their way to help them out, time or money wise, that they might otherwise offer. (Including the fact that the groom's brother had been planning on offering around £20k to help them buy their first home, but after hearing his wider family upset after the wedding, decided not to offer, the couple probably don't know they ever might have been given such a huge amount and that their rudeness stopped it)

You might be able to control the invites to a particular event, but you can't control how that is viewed widely and if any negative effects can be limited to just that.

Riddleofthesands · 02/07/2019 15:30

I think I am similar to you. I think I am always polite but do not people please. Sound like you regarding invitations too, I just think I am sensible and straight forward. Someone recently told me I was aloof which I was very surprised by. I definitely have less friends than lots of people I know but I do have a small group of good friends and DH and children so feel pretty happy with my lot. One of my sisters does a lot of socialising, has guests to stay frequently but complains to me about it a lot, she is very kind hearted but finds it completely exhausting. I always say just say no like I do. Same thing with friends who have a horrible Christmas having invited difficult relatives year after year. I just don’t get it.

Orangecake123 · 02/07/2019 15:50

Well done OP.

I used to have "mug" written on my forehead. It's okay to put yourself first.

Gazelda · 02/07/2019 15:55

I admire your attitude OP. It's honest.

But if we knew each other, I don't think we'd be friends. I'd be thinking you're judging me and my people pleasing ways. I'd presume you think I'm a wuss. I'd feel intimidated by you.

Lllot5 · 02/07/2019 15:56

Surely there’s a middle ground. I agree with whole class parties not always possible depending on what you’re doing.
But I would be put out if my DH ( if I had one ) and children weren’t invited to my brother’s wedding.

Cloudhopping · 02/07/2019 16:04

Out of interest op, have you ever been offended or upset by something either you or your dc’s have not been included in? I just wonder if that attitude of ‘people can do what they want and I’ll do what I want’ etc works all the time?

The irony in your post is that you shutting the door on friendships/relationships and not giving people a second chance indicates that you can actually get hurt/upset quite easily by people’s actions.

cleanasawhistle · 02/07/2019 16:05

I am like this now OP.
Used to be a people pleaser....and have been taken advantage of many times.

Teddybear45 · 02/07/2019 16:13

Young kids can be very in the moment so that’s why it’s best not to leave the invites to them. Just because they don’t invite their best friend doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t miss them terribly when they aren’t there. There also has to be a bit of give and take when it comes to social interactions - if you get invited to someone’s party then the right thing to do is invite them to yours. If this means cutting down on extras to make this possible then so be it.

dodgeballchamp · 02/07/2019 16:39

Can't speak for the OP Gazelda but if I'm completely honest, yes I do judge people pleasers because I think it's ridiculous. I find it exasperating when people complain about all their obligations but never say no or put their own needs first. I actually find being called intimidating a compliment!

WRT not being invited, it really depends on the context. Is it people I know well enough to stop and chat to if I bumped into them, but not close enough to chat to regularly or meet up with one to one? I wouldn't expect to be invited to their occasions and wouldn't give it a second thought. If it was a small group of close friends who'd purposely decided to exclude me and tried to keep it a secret, yes, I'd be upset, and I wouldn't do that to anyone either. They're entirely different situations and there are many variations of 'not being invited'. Depends on the inviter and the intention.