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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish - almost - that ds2 would fail an exam?

84 replies

Greensleeves · 01/07/2019 21:54

Does anyone else have a Y10 boy who is completely and utterly complacent and lazy about school work?

He's a smart cookie and does well with minimum effort, so he's not actually failing anything, but my god he's driving me insane! Academic work is just not part of his mindset. At all. School seem to be pretty lax about homework (after having a big draconian drive on it last year ) so he gets away with doing virtually nothing. He did NO revision for his Y10 exams whatsoever - and I do mean nothing at all. I've had endless conversations with him about why I feel it matters for him to develop study habits, learn how to revise etc, and he just nods along, or points out that he's getting 7s and 8s in everything so he doesn't need to do more. Which is hard to argue with, but it frustrates me to see him coasting. It worries me that he doesn't know how to strive - he's never had to work really hard for anything in his life. He thinks IABU because 7s and 8s are great results (which they are!) and he can get them without trying, so why put himself out?

He makes the very reasonable point that his older brother works too hard, is too driven, and will probably get 9s at the expense of his mental health (it's a bit more complicated than that, but ds1 has ASD and suffered bullying and has had a very tough couple of years). DS2 says his work/life balance is his own business and as long as he's doing OK we should back off. He also wants to be allowed out with his friends until 10pm, which I think is too late...am I just an old fuddy duddy who needs to move with the times?

AIBU?

OP posts:

Yesicancancan · 01/07/2019 21:59

There is no simple answer, some people need a push other resist and resentment grows. You now him best, negotiate and don’t be afraid to be seen as a nag. You need to be consistent too, does he need and allow you to lead ??

yearinyearout · 01/07/2019 21:59

I had one. Then in year 11 he pulled out all the stops, got fab results and hasn't stopped working at 100% since. So there's still time but he can only make the decision to do it for himself, nothing you can do to force it.

Yesicancancan · 01/07/2019 21:59

You “know” him

NCforthis2019 · 01/07/2019 22:00

YABU - you want your son to fail something to teach him a lesson?really?

Gardenersnaptime · 01/07/2019 22:02

It’s harder to get grades with that approach at A Level so he will probably learn eventually.
(I was the same-straight As at GCSE merely through flicking through a revision guide. First term of a levels was a shock!)

Gardenersnaptime · 01/07/2019 22:03

Tbf he’s got a point. I’d prefer him to have a decent life outside school though-not just hanging around etc.

Original poster

Greensleeves · 01/07/2019 22:03

He alternates between really wanting our input and really wanting us to fuck off Part of the problem is that he is so lovely and makes me laugh so much, I've always been a bit lenient with him. He's the baby of the family. And he's always been quite a proud and independent person, even as a little boy, so if you push him too hard he stands his ground (stubborn as a mule). But he will accept consequences (being grounded etc) if they agrees that they are fair, which he does generally.

I think IABU on balance. He IS doing fine. I suppose I would like to know what would happen if he really applied himself, and I have this idea that learning how to strive for something is worthwhile in itself...he just smiles and says "that's why you get stressed and I don't, Mum"

OP posts:

Gardenersnaptime · 01/07/2019 22:06

he sounds great.

alislim · 01/07/2019 22:07

I work in a school and hear what kids are talking about. OP no year 10 is getting up to good things staying out until 10. Maybe your boy is different but the things I hear..

chickhonhoneybabe · 01/07/2019 22:09

UABU! He’s doing well. I like his attitude tbh, why get stressed about it?! whose to say even if he did hours of revision he’d get 9’s? If his grades were lower then I’d worry and get him to pull his finger out!

I’m a mature uni student so do understand the need for revision ect and honestly the stress is unreal, I wouldn’t wish it on a school child!

mabelmylove · 01/07/2019 22:11

YABU. He is getting good grades. His options are still open for the future. Contrary to popular belief, school is not the be all and end all.

chickhonhoneybabe · 01/07/2019 22:12

The staying out until 10pm I’d probably only allow on a Friday or Saturday if he was going somewhere (cinema or something) not to hang around the streets and not around exam time.

LaurieMarlow · 01/07/2019 22:12

he's never had to work really hard for anything in his life.

Some people are just like that. It doesn’t necessarily mean it will come back to bite them. He might just be lucky.

My DB is immensely bright, never did a tap, coasted his way to an Oxford first.

Smelborp · 01/07/2019 22:14

I think you could point out to him, why is he putting in the effort? Is it solely to pass exams, or is it to be the best he can be? If it’s to pass exams, then he’s doing fine. If he wants to be the best he can be, and save time on learning in the future then he should be putting more effort in.

I coasted my GCSEs. My A levels were a shock. Thankfully I went on to do better as that forced an attitude change.

chickhonhoneybabe · 01/07/2019 22:15

Some people are just like that. It doesn’t necessarily mean it will come back to bite them. He might just be lucky I agree there’s loads of people like this at uni who get good grades and seem to put minimal effort in, or leave things until the last minute.

Alarae · 01/07/2019 22:17

I coasted at GCSEs which led to coasting at A Level, and subsequently, university. It was the second year disaster that made me seriously start to apply myself and pull up my shitty grade average to a 2:1.

It may or may not bite him in the bum, but its not a great work ethic to promote.

BinkyBaa · 01/07/2019 22:18

I wouldn't worry about it unless his marks start dropping tbh. I was the same at that age and got all As and A*s at GCSE. I didn't start revising until the second year of sixth form, but even then revision strategies to get good grades in college are completely different to what works at university. Plenty of people just pick it up as they go.

BelindasGleeTeam · 01/07/2019 22:20

Ah, Ive heard this a few times with lacd.

Tbh I've come to see they often have a point. Why get 100% when 80 gets then the same result (college course/access to a levels)

Then they get to the next challenge and boys like that often have a wobbly first term in yr12 when they realise it doesn't work like it used to and you have to actually read, and make some effort. Then they step up.

It's why girls outperform boys until the lads do that bit of maturing that tips them into graft. Girls often seem to get it a bit earlier, and schoolwork suits more girls than boys.

He sounds lovely. I have one similar at home. All the brains, no ambition right now. It's infuriating but I know he will come good with guidance and time.

MyNewBearTotoro · 01/07/2019 22:21

YABU. If he gets good grades whilst also having time for himself and not getting too stressed then that’s fantastic! A work/ life balance is important and it’s not worth him losing that for the sake of a few extra marks in his exams.

piedmontpepper · 01/07/2019 22:21

I didn't revise for any exam ever apart from my A level French because I knew I couldn't pass that one without studying.

I have a first class degree and an MA now. Tbh I think it's just my personality, I'm the same with work - leave everything to the last minute and just wing it. Yet I'm relatively successful and well thought of in my job I'm sure one day I'll be found out!

TanyaChix · 01/07/2019 22:22

Getting 7 and 8s in Year 10 is so fantastic that it makes no sense for him to lose out on other parts of his teenage life in order to do more schoolwork. He just doesn’t need to!

These exams are presumably mocks and most students go up a grade or more over the duration of year 11 - remember it’s a year early and he’s only been taught half of each course! So he’s doing incredibly well and I think it’s bordering on pushy to think he’s not working enough. He clearly is, because you don’t get those grades unless you’re listening in class, taking good notes, presumably contributing and asking questions etc. He’s just not holed up in his bedroom pouring over textbooks.

Bear in mind you can’t get a 9 in the exams - the maximum is 8 and then the examiners award the 9s to the top scoring students among those 8s (works on a kind of mathematical basis).

I’m sure he’ll revise in 9 months, which is when he will need to.

Ps I was a Deputy Head of a school so am impressed by him

AskMeHow · 01/07/2019 22:23

I wouldn't get stressed about it now. He's got a whole year to go. You don't want him feeling anxious about his exams, it won't do any good. There's plenty of time for the fear to kick in.

LifeIsGoodish · 01/07/2019 22:25

I had/have one, too. He barely scraped a pass in one GCSE mock (aced several, got decent grades in the others) which was a huge shock to him. He then started making more effort, doing some actual revising. But when he got his marks up to a consistently good level, he started coasting again, only doing the minimum needed to maintain that level. Got good enough GCSEs, but we're certain he could have got even better grades. Awaiting his A-level results with trepidation!

Far better our teens fail now, when we're here to support, when failure isn't a total disaster, when they can learn from it and discover what they need to do, than later when a failure could ruin a career.

frogsoup · 01/07/2019 22:29

He sounds great. Some people just have the gift of the gab! My DH has excelled at everything he touches and essentially never failed at anything ever, with minimum stress and effort. It's a bit sickening but awe-inspiring at the same time It's very puritan to expect some sort of comeuppance from not killing yourself with work.

SummerCharl · 01/07/2019 22:32

It sounds like he has a very relaxed sort of personality. I think that because of that once he finds a passion and something he really wants to go for it with he will do it naturally as he gets older. For now, he's happy, chilled and doing well - sounds like he knows himself and is a great teen! So yea, leave him be!!

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