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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish - almost - that ds2 would fail an exam?

84 replies

Greensleeves · 01/07/2019 21:54

Does anyone else have a Y10 boy who is completely and utterly complacent and lazy about school work?

He's a smart cookie and does well with minimum effort, so he's not actually failing anything, but my god he's driving me insane! Academic work is just not part of his mindset. At all. School seem to be pretty lax about homework (after having a big draconian drive on it last year Hmm) so he gets away with doing virtually nothing. He did NO revision for his Y10 exams whatsoever - and I do mean nothing at all. I've had endless conversations with him about why I feel it matters for him to develop study habits, learn how to revise etc, and he just nods along, or points out that he's getting 7s and 8s in everything so he doesn't need to do more. Which is hard to argue with, but it frustrates me to see him coasting. It worries me that he doesn't know how to strive - he's never had to work really hard for anything in his life. He thinks IABU because 7s and 8s are great results (which they are!) and he can get them without trying, so why put himself out?

He makes the very reasonable point that his older brother works too hard, is too driven, and will probably get 9s at the expense of his mental health (it's a bit more complicated than that, but ds1 has ASD and suffered bullying and has had a very tough couple of years). DS2 says his work/life balance is his own business and as long as he's doing OK we should back off. He also wants to be allowed out with his friends until 10pm, which I think is too late...am I just an old fuddy duddy who needs to move with the times?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 02/07/2019 07:29

I think passing GCSE’s is the important part - there are a lot of subjects and some are ‘boring’ to them but still need to be done. I’ve found my teens started to study properly once they moved onto college and could study something they were more passionate about. But teens at that age generally aren’t interested in putting in more effort than they need to and still go on to do well in future studies once they realise they are soon going to be adults. I’d continue to encourage and show I expected them to do well but not make it into a big stress either so long as the grades don’t start slipping.

Mammyloveswine · 02/07/2019 07:38

This was me!!

Then I got to A Levels and failed an exam! Was horrified!

Realised then I had to put the work in. Even more so at uni, I was the one in the library all the time!

Just missed out on a first.

dottiedodah · 02/07/2019 08:10

My son was a bit like this too!.I couldnt understand how he would spend time on the PS playing Call Of Duty ,interspersed with studying Science A Levels.However this approach seemed to work well ,as he passed all exams and went on to get a MSC at Uni!.Some children dont seem to respond to hours of study ,your son sounds like mine TBH!

Feelingwalkedover · 02/07/2019 08:58

Don’t push it will have the opposite effect
My son was pushed lots by the school ,told he can getA* in most subjects ,it was to much .he was staying behind every day till 5 going to extra classes.
No extra classes for the bottom sets ,just top to push them more.
I really don’t agree with all the pushing schools do of bright pupils .

Fatted · 02/07/2019 09:12

I did absolutely no revision for my GCSEs back in the day. I do think he's right to an extent. If he can go on to do what he wants to do with those grades he's achieving right now, then he probably has the right balance of work and other things.

I struggled with the jump from GCSEs to A Levels, but then at uni was fine.

My mum in particular really went on about working as hard as I could, that I should always try to be the best, I could do bigger and better things etc. In all honesty it just made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough. It's only really been in my 30s that I've realised there is nothing wrong with being in the middle and having balance. My job is enough to pay the bills, without too stress and responsibility that really I don't want. It took me a long time to tell myself it was OK to do that and not constantly climb up the ladder, just to be miserable in the process.

herculepoirot2 · 02/07/2019 09:21

I think it’s a given that you do some revision. Wouldn’t be debating this with a 15 year old, I don’t care how bright he is. Consequences?

BarbedBloom · 02/07/2019 09:25

Honestly I was him. Coasted my GCSEs and A Levels with top Mark's, minimal effort. I did have to work a bit more on my degree to get a 1st but probably still less than some others. It must be really annoying to people outside of it and I remember my mum being frustrated with me, but it just worked for me.

BarbedBloom · 02/07/2019 09:26

Apparently my ability to use auto correct needs work though, marks*

BeanBag7 · 02/07/2019 09:28

I can see his point. If he can get 8s without trying, where is the incentive to spend hours revising to maybe get a 9? 7s and 8s will get him onto whatever college courses he wants which is basically all that GCSEs are for.

If he was getting 3s and/or falling English and maths I would agree with you.

I didn't do much revision at all for GCSE's and achieved As and As. Sure, if I worked really hard I could have got all As but that wouldn't have affected my life at all.

herculepoirot2 · 02/07/2019 09:33

I can see his point. If he can get 8s without trying, where is the incentive to spend hours revising to maybe get a 9? 7s and 8s will get him onto whatever college courses he wants which is basically all that GCSEs are for.

I’m glad Aristotle, Copernicus, Newton and Einstein never took this attitude.

Honestly, OP, some revision is a perfectly reasonable expectation. He should not need to be incentivised.

Seeline · 02/07/2019 09:33

This was my DS. It worked for GCSEs last year - 7s, 8s and 9s.

A levels have come as a huge shock. He has never had to work before. And he hasn't this year, so consequently did pretty badly in his end of year exams (having also done badly in his Christmas exams). School have made him drop one of the 4 A levels he was doing. And he has resits in September. Not sure even this has given him the boot up the backside he requires!

Teddybear45 · 02/07/2019 09:37

My brother was like that. Got near 100 percents in his A Levels, then a first in his Stem degree, then a clear 100 percent for his masters. He is also the top performer at his workplace who does everything possible to keep him. He’s still a lazy shit and often doesn’t even start working on something until a few hours before the deadline but the strategy clearly works for him.

scaryteacher · 02/07/2019 09:38

Ds was like that - cruised through IGCSEs, and applied the same 'this is easy' rationale to AS. He was boarding in the UK at state sixth form for A levels, and I was a bit Hmm when he proceeded to revise for the January AS modules from handouts, as opposed to cracking open his text books when he was home for Christmas. I raised this and was told I knew nothing...well, I just taught AS level for a while, so what would I know?

I let it go, and sure enough, on results day, I got an early morning phone call full of panic, tears and snot, as his grades were rather less than stellar. and just above a fail in one subject.

The lesson was well and truly learned the hard way. He had to work like stink to get good grades in the summer exams and the resits, which he did, and he went on four years later to get a First and an MA thereafter.

Sometimes failing gives them the boot up the arse they need.

BillywigSting · 02/07/2019 09:39

I was the same, didn't do a jot of revision outside school, about three peices of homework ever, only just about managed to get my coursework in on time and sailed out with As and A*s.

Got the shock of my life when I had the same attitude in my a levels and came out of my first exams with EEDE grades.

Unfortunately for me, it didn't change my attitude, I failed them spectacularly.

A few years later though I came to the conclusion that actually, my work life balance was great (was a chef so earning enough to be comfortable but nowhere near wealthy, didn't have loads of stress, the hours suited me etc), and that I didn't want to work my butt off. I liked being able to just leave work at work. I wasn't particularly senior so didn't have to worry about sorting out deliveries and ordering ingredients etc. I just came in, did my shift, and the rest of my time was my own. No slogging over textbooks required.

I'll probably never be rich but I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge etc.

Acedemia isn't for everyone, even some of those who have the brains and ability for it. Sometimes the great grades are not worth the stress.

trackingmedown · 02/07/2019 09:48

I completely get you OP. Education today is so competitive that young people are afraid to be seen as ‘failing’.

My own child was academically capable and very talented in some extracurricular areas. With a normal amount of hard work and applications (not a swat) they always came in the top 2 or 3 of the class/year etc.

This same DC still refers to the terrible day they ‘failed’ their A Levels which in real terms meant they got 2 A*s and 2 Bs. Perfectly acceptable results IMO. These results meant they didn’t get their first choice uni and had to go to another perfectly acceptable Russell Group uni instead. This perceived failure triggered all sorts of anxiety and mental health problems that he still struggles with 10 years later. I wish he had ‘failed’ a little sooner in life so he could have learned the lesson that we can all recover and bounce back from such setbacks whilst he was still at home to get support.

DifficultSituation19 · 02/07/2019 09:49

This was me at school. Did the bare minimum but still did well and ended up with good GCSEs having done barely any revision.

A Levels were a massive shock to the system and I ended up dropping out as I just had no idea how to actually put the required effort in.

Finally went back to education in my thirties, did an access course, got a distinction and a scholarship from a very good university, and graduated with a first.

The jump from GCSEs and A Levels is massive, maybe he’ll be more sensible than me and start applying himself, but that will be a lot easier for him if he starts applying himself now. Not sure how you can force him though (I was also a stubborn mule and I certainly couldn’t be forced).

Nicklebox · 02/07/2019 10:18

My eldest son only ever did just enough work at school to get by and often forgot to do home work. We were always on at him to work harder but he never listened he was a very bright boy. He wanted to take a degree in Computer Science and needed to get Two B's and a C he got two C's and 2 D's The university still took him on the course.In the first year he failed one module and had to repeat a term. He finally got the shock that he deserved and went on to get a first class degree and now works as a software developer. I think sometimes they have to learn things the hard way.

Halloumimuffin · 02/07/2019 10:35

I’m glad Aristotle, Copernicus, Newton and Einstein never took this attitude

I'm sure if Aristotle had done some more GCSE revision he wouldn't have gotten all that physics wrong.

Snowy81 · 02/07/2019 11:10

Ds is in year 9. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve physically seen him do homework in 3 years. Yet I’ve only had one email about not handing homework in one time, he’s in the top two sets for everything out of 7 sets, has brilliant school reports, and has just achieved above average in end of year exams.

He came to me last night and asked if I wanted to look over his essay plan for Macbeth. I was seriously gobsmacked that he asked, he has never done that before. I looked at it- and it was really good! I tried to look at the rest of his work but he wouldn’t allow me lol.

So I’m going to be in the same boat as you OP I believe. He’s such a coaster, that pulls it out when he needs too. I’m just leaving him to it, it’s better than screaming, shouting and a horrible atmosphere. Only difference I have is that he only goes out with friends at the weekend as his school catchment is wide, and being a catholic school only one other friend lives in our town. However they are on the Xbox, iPad, and phone each night. Each thing going with a difference app, programme running etc. Luckily he shuts it off between 9:15-10:00 each night, without being asked, so I’m aware I am lucky there- no arguments!

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 02/07/2019 11:14

If he's doing alright in exams and not too stressed, surely that's a good thing?

Why do you want him to have to struggle?

I'd be way more worried if my teen felt like exams were the be all and end all and were giving themselves a complex by revising constantly

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 02/07/2019 11:16

Ps I never did homework or revision (actually because I was anxious but to others I probably looked complacent).

Luckily I was able to get good grades anyway and end up in a good job.

Pressuring me to revise would have just made me more anxious and I would have done worse. I was handling school in the way I could cope with.

Dutch1e · 02/07/2019 11:28

I’m glad Aristotle, Copernicus, Newton and Einstein never took this attitude.

I understand your point but the difference is that these blokes were completely obsessed with their fields. They weren't being graded, they did it because they couldn't live without it.

It's difficult to be enthralled with GCSEs generally. Maybe one subject but not the thing as a whole.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 02/07/2019 11:35

I coasted gcses, did pretty well, but struggled at a level and degree to put in the continuous effort - it came as a surprise!
I still haven't learned though, I'm procrastinating right now by being on mumsnet when I should be working!!

HellYeah90s · 02/07/2019 11:41

I can see why OP, I am dyslexic so had to work very hard in GCSEs, A Levels, University to get decent grades and I graduated with a first.

My step sister? Coasted all throughout secondary, very little effort and then maybe put a bit more effort in A Levels and got really good grades. Came to uni still no huge effort so got reasonable grades but not not fantastic in 1st year, 2nd year came along and she just scraped a pass and had to resist some modules. She soon put her head down in third year...

herculepoirot2 · 02/07/2019 13:52

I understand your point but the difference is that these blokes were completely obsessed with their fields. They weren't being graded, they did it because they couldn't live without it.

But they were basically well-educated alongside their chosen fields. You’re not going to be Copernicus without (essentially) being a polymath who is good at most things, and a strong work ethic to go with it.