to wish - almost - that ds2 would fail an exam?

[Greensleeves]

Does anyone else have a Y10 boy who is completely and utterly complacent and lazy about school work?

He's a smart cookie and does well with minimum effort, so he's not actually failing anything, but my god he's driving me insane! Academic work is just not part of his mindset. At all. School seem to be pretty lax about homework (after having a big draconian drive on it last year ) so he gets away with doing virtually nothing. He did NO revision for his Y10 exams whatsoever - and I do mean nothing at all. I've had endless conversations with him about why I feel it matters for him to develop study habits, learn how to revise etc, and he just nods along, or points out that he's getting 7s and 8s in everything so he doesn't need to do more. Which is hard to argue with, but it frustrates me to see him coasting. It worries me that he doesn't know how to strive - he's never had to work really hard for anything in his life. He thinks IABU because 7s and 8s are great results (which they are!) and he can get them without trying, so why put himself out?

He makes the very reasonable point that his older brother works too hard, is too driven, and will probably get 9s at the expense of his mental health (it's a bit more complicated than that, but ds1 has ASD and suffered bullying and has had a very tough couple of years). DS2 says his work/life balance is his own business and as long as he's doing OK we should back off. He also wants to be allowed out with his friends until 10pm, which I think is too late...am I just an old fuddy duddy who needs to move with the times?

AIBU?

Sounds like the school is a bit lax tbh.

If he was equally relaxed in a more focused school he’d probably do better.

For bright kids, GCSEs are not much of a challenge, on the whole. A lot might depend on how 6th forms work in your area - where we are, it's very competitive and kids have to apply at the beginning of Y11 via UCAS, and don't necessarily get offers from the top ones. This can be a bit of a spur. For my DS1, being in 6th form with lots of really bright kids (as opposed to 1 or 2 at his level in secondary) was hugely beneficial and he's worked hard for his A levels this year to get to a top uni for his subject. This is quite common in boys, so on that front I wouldn't worry.
On the other point about staying out till 10, I'm with the PP who said, be careful. My kids have told me some of what goes on and I would only allow it if at a known friend's house for a special event (eg birthday), not just hanging around the town/village.

For my DS1, being in 6th form with lots of really bright kids (as opposed to 1 or 2 at his level in secondary) was hugely beneficial and he's worked hard for his A levels this year to get to a top uni for his subject.

Yes this really does make a difference.

I was quite wild as a teenager, but I never went out on a school night.

Fri and Sat 10pm + is fine, but not during the week.

This is him. This is his personality. He gets good grades without having to try much and is happy. If you push him too much he might get better grades and end up in a fancier uni and get a high pressured job but that wouldn’t be him and it wouldn’t make him happy.

He’s got a good balance. There’s far too much pressure on kids these days. We’re breeding a generation that’s heading for a mental health disaster. I’d just let him be.

This was my brother never 'studied' really but it caught up in 2nd yr college. Partied hard never studied but Flunked his exams had to repeat the year. Which he did n managed to get his degree in the end. He is pretty successful very clever but does leave things to last minute n not very organised!

I worked really hard at school and got excellent results. My equally bright brother coasted and got good results, probably not the best he could manage but enough to get on his course at uni. He is incredibly successful now, still coasting and winging it! I’m not.

I always kept mine in, or they could go to hobby /drama/etc classes, on weekdays.

Another thought-kids who have Saturday jobs do better in exams, apparently. It develops the work ethic and skills.

I think failing an exam (hopefully a minor one) brings people up short and snaps them out of their complacency.
The time will come when you reach the extent of your non-studying abilities and you won’t have the skills to make a study plan, gauge your own progress and know how to prepare for the test.

Voice of experience.

DS was an easygoing teenager, teachers thought he had high potential and showered him with praise and high marks. He believed them and never really pushed himself in spite of our “good but you ARE capable of better” comments.
Final year of school he has distracting girlfriend problems and gets a lowish yearly average. DS: “Oh, but I’ll make up for it in the exam!”. He doesn’t know how to prepare well, gets a lowish final score and his world shatters.
Pity it had to be that exam and not an earlier one.
Fortunately we live in a country with entrance exams for most worthwhile University courses. He pulls his socks up and finishes in the top 3% nationwide. Gets into his desired course with flying colours and a severely dented self-esteem.
Even now, in 2nd year of a very demanding course, he says he’s still making up for his previous lack of study skills, having been used to “winging it” most of his life.
See any similarities, OP?

GCSE's are not that hard if you go to all the lessons and have a good memory and understanding of what's going on.

A Levels are the hard ones.

some people just don't need to work hard to do well. I did bugger all throughout school and uni, straight A student and a 1st class degree. When I say bugger all I mean it. Went to two lectures in three years of uni, did very little of the course reading, just enough like one article to be able to be the first person to speak up in a seminar as after that you'd be left alone. I used to just look at past exam papers, pick 3 or 4 topics that always came up in some form and then read up on those in the week before the exam and regurgitate it in the exam. Most my uni days were spent watching daytime tv, shopping and partying.

I'm too embarrassed to admit to it in real life as I wish I'd taken it more seriously and made the most of the opportunity.

I can't say I've improved much as an adult either One day I will probably get my comeuppance but it has worked for so long it's hard to change my ways.

Why get 7s when you could get 9s tho? It's very competitive out there.

I coasted my O levels then tanked at A level, the result being that I worked my arse off at Uni and got a First, which people still comment on now and I'm 52.

The universe has a way of showing you your arse.

Being able to relax and keep things in perspective is an equally important life skill as studying. At some point he will probably be forced to start working; until then, let him enjoy himself.

Can someone please explain the comment:

"Bear in mind you can’t get a 9 in the exams - the maximum is 8 and then the examiners award the 9s to the top scoring students among those 8s (works on a kind of mathematical basis). "

I don't understand this comment- are 9s not awarded to the top 2% or 5% or whatever the percentage is? In the same way as an 8 is for say the top 10%? how do 9s work differently? Thanks.

I don't think there's much you can do until something happens to teach him a lesson.

I did the same as him at school - it was just so easy I didn't need to put in effort or revision. In the end I didn't quite get the grades I'd hoped for but they were decent enough. At A-level I completely gave up as I knew I couldn't afford uni so what was the point trying or even turning up? I look back on it now and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I'm embarrassed by some of the grades I received and wish I'd bothered to make an effort. But it's taken until my 30s to accept I made a mistake by not trying. Hopefully he'll realise sooner than I did that it really does pay to try as hard as you can.

All fine except the going out until 10pm. Not Sunday to Thursday. If his contemporaries are doing it they are a poor crowd with poor parental support.

Mine is exactly the same

namechanger70 yes- no idea what the previous poster was talking about.
And in year 10 he could receive a 9 as the boundaries are available from the previous year.

He’ll probably have to work a bit harder for A levels. I wouldn’t worry too much.

I bet you were a hard working oldest child OP . Laid back, just does enough is just a different personality and if he’s bright and knows when to pull it out of the bag, he’s no less likely to be successful in the long run.

I always did well with the minimum of work. I got 98% in first year university with very little effort.

2nd year I got a bit of a shock and ended up doing resits over the summer holidays which made me realise the only person who suffered from not making an effort was me.

I graduated with a first class degree in the end.

I certainly didn't work as hard as I could have, I had an amazing time at uni, but I did enough to get the top grades.

The thing is that you can't tell people this, they have to work it out for themselves.

Two of mine were like this! (Girls not boys) Bright and sailed through GCSEs with all A or A* with absolutely no effort whatsoever.

The first A level mocks came as a shock. Both did poorly compared with their predicted grades and abilities because they were used to doing well with little effort... one nearly bombed out of 6th form in year 12 having spent the year IN LOVE and partying.

The shock did them both a world of good... they pulled themselves together and actually realised they had to work. One is now a doctor, the other a specialist nurse having graduated with a first.

A levels are a world apart from GCSEs and that's when so many come unstuck... it wasn't just my girls , I saw many of their friends from the ' effortlessly bright' set also take a huge dip!

I'd leave him be for now, my 2 are like this (14, 16)

But..... what is he doing out until 10?

A lot of the popular kids (is he in the popular group?) who are "out" a lot do weed/spice here (moving onto mdma by about 15). It's really widespread. Just saying

This was my ds.
As all the way at GCSE...then a bit of a shock at 6th form with first exams. Too much partying and too much coasting. However he knuckled down and got As at A level...even with working 12 hours a week.
To be fair I was like that too.

For lots of people like this (I include myself in this category) you do eventually get your comeuppance. I coasted GCSEs and A Levels. Failed my first year at uni so badly they refused to let me re-sit it and I had to change courses and universities! Cost me £££. Lesson most definitely learnt!