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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a cohabitation agreement?

57 replies

therealmrsclooney · 01/07/2019 13:39

I am divorced, have paid off my mortgage and my current partner has been living with me for 2 years. I don't charge him rent, but we split household bills 50/50 and have a joint account to cover food and entertainments. He lets out his house and is paying off the mortgage with the rental income.

We are renovating my house. I pay for all the materials and the labour, he does some minor stuff - mainly garden based - and gives me advice (he is a construction project manager). I have renovated several houses, so don't need a lot of advice.

He has been doing some landscaping for me in his free time. I wanted to get a professional in but he insisted he could save me money, enjoys working outside, wanted a project etc. It's quite a big project and his dad and sons have been involved for a few days here and there for the last couple of months. This weekend I was away and he and his son laid a lot of concrete foundations and played cricket, so he was knackered when I got back.

I got a bit of a cool reception from him, followed by messages this morning about how the project is costing him money, wear and tear on his car, he's having to pay his boys, it's wearing him out, and that he's adding value to my house. (Remember, I never asked him to undertake this project and in fact we had a row when I said I could get someone in.) I pointed out I have been paying for materials and paying some money to his boys when they help, cooking meals for his parents when they come and help out, and that if he feels he's out of pocket he should remember that he doesn't pay any rent so hopefully that [COLOSSAL] saving should mitigate any wear and tear on the car etc. I said I am happy for him not to pay rent on the understanding that he would not have any beneficial interest in the house in the event of a split or sale. He's gone very quiet since then (but he is at work).

I think we need to get a Cohabitation Agreement drawn up by a solicitor - though I have also read they're not legally enforceable. Any wise words/experience of this? Who is the CF here??

OP posts:

Oldraver · 01/07/2019 13:46

I would just remind him again that him not paying rent has been very beneficial to him.

And from now on get someone in to do any work if he is going to moan.

How much do you trust him ? Is he paving the way to stake a claim on your property or co-erce you into giving him a share ?

Or is he having a momentary moan ?

herculepoirot2 · 01/07/2019 13:51

He sounds cheeky as FUCK, OP. He pays no rent, allowing him to rent out his house and use that cash to pay off his mortgage. What’s he doing with his salary, then?

PicsInRed · 01/07/2019 14:03

Sounds like the cocklodger in him is emerging. He waited 2 years, did you a few favours whilst happily taking that free rent now expects his name on the deeds.

Being divorced, you know well how it can go wrong. You've managed to financially survive divorce, with a paid off house.

Don't put him the deeds. I'd actually have him - at least in my own mind - on notice for the brute entitlement of thinking he would achieve that through a little DIY. With that free rent, he could be investing in his own property. The fact that he hasn't, and whinges at you about his poor fortune, screams volumes to me.

Google "nurse with a purse".

PicsInRed · 01/07/2019 14:05

Oh, I missed the fact that he has his own house let out, paying off the mortgage with the rent money. That, with him wanting to take a chunk of your own house, tips it over into dump-worthy.

Get rid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2019 14:09

He is. He’s having a fucking chuckle trying to make out he’s doing you a favour while you’re paying for the roof over his head and you didn’t ask him to do the work.

No advice on the potential agreement but keep your eyes open as he’s taking liberties now he thinks he’s got his feet firmly under the table.

Supersimpkin · 01/07/2019 14:24

He's making you money by adding to the value of your house, as you well know.

Producing a meal for people who come to do heavy building work on your home for free is not behavior that will ruin you with generosity.

He's grumpy because he's out of pocket and it's insanely hot to lay concrete foundations.

You've both got reasons to feel moody - keep money out of it, and pay someone next time.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/07/2019 14:32

I think he saw you coming OP.
His only living costs are 50% of bills and he's got a tenant paying off his mortgage.
He's living quite a cushy life - at your expense.

I don't charge him rent
This is where you went wrong.
You should be charging him something to account for the wear and tear of your property, furnishings, and for any other ad hoc expenses that HE directly benefits from - such as this work you are having done, future upgrade of appliances/boiler/wiring/redecoration/general maintenance etc

I think he's a sly, sneaky motherfucker.

He didn't want you getting someone else in and giving THEM the money - because HE wanted it.
Only he didn't tell you this directly because that would have scuppered his plans to manipulate you.
His game plan probably was "i'll offer to do it as a favour and refuse payment for it so she thinks i'm a good 'un. Then when she's well and truly fallen for my bullshit i'll get her to add me onto the deeds of her house as repayment for all the 'free' work i've done for her and adding value to her house/equity..... and/or i'll make her pay me for the work at a higher rate than she would have got if she'd booked someone else"

He knew what he was doing when he offered to do the work as a favour. He knows materials and labour cost money.
You've paid for the materials - so the labour is meant to be 'free' because it was HIS FAVOUR!
HE should be paying the labourers out of his own pocket.

He's playing you OP.
He's gone quiet because you've surprised him with your answer and now he knows he can't manipulate you the way he thought he could.
He's just going to change his tactic now.

You might want to remind him that HE is benefiting far more from this current arrangement -
HE has more personal money due to the tenant paying his mortgage (instead of it coming out of his wages).
HE is only paying 50% of bills as a living cost so has more money left over to spend/save.
Whereas YOU are actually subsidizing his living costs out of your own pocket and are actually no better off from this arrangement - other than paying only 50% of bills (which will have gone up anyway due to another adult living there).

I would go and get proper legal advice on how to secure your assets - both now and in the future.
I.e, what happens if you grow old together/you die first - will he have any claim on your assets?
What if he becomes ill/disabled and the house needs to adapted to accommodate that - is he going to use his own house or yours?
What if he decides to 'invest' in your house at some point in the future - how will it affect your security?
What if you both sold up and bought a property together?

He is definitely a cheeky fucking fucker and he's sly.
Protect yourself.

easyandy101 · 01/07/2019 14:32

Where did op or the man mention being put on the deeds?

ChuckleBuckles · 01/07/2019 14:46

I got a bit of a cool reception from him, followed by messages this morning about how the project is costing him money, wear and tear on his car

Tell him fine you will cover the wear and tear on his car by docking it from his rent. Seriously OP I would seek legal advice to protect yourself.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/07/2019 14:50

Where did op or the man mention being put on the deeds?
Read between the lines of his response....

PicsInRed · 01/07/2019 14:51

Where did op or the man mention being put on the deeds?

This is the giveaway to his intentions:

I said I am happy for him not to pay rent on the understanding that he would not have any beneficial interest in the house in the event of a split or sale. He's gone very quiet since then

FinallyHere · 01/07/2019 14:52

Before rushing to lawyers, I would have a conversation as adults about his coolness and the specific complaints. Ask him straight, what is he building up to?

One chance for him to apologise for being cranky at the weekend. If he was really tired he may have just been grumpy. Once chance mind to apologise and promise not to do it again or he has to stop work. You will get someone in to complete the project he wanted to do.

If he isn't prepared to apologise then suggest he may be more comfortable living elsewhere. And change the locks.

sneakypinky · 01/07/2019 14:53

He's living with you and paying nothing towards the rent and bills?

Waveysnail · 01/07/2019 14:55

Has his Dad been whispering in his ear by any chance?

Crunchymum · 01/07/2019 14:56

Where did op or the man mention being put on the deeds?

That was my question too!

Although I guess the OP wouldn't be asking about "cohabitation agreements" unless she had concerns???

EileenAlanna · 01/07/2019 15:01

How do you get on with his DF & DC? Is it likely they've been telling him he's being "used" & "deserves" more? I'd suggest you tell him a cooling off period would help you both get a clearer picture of where your relationship is in financial terms & that he goes back to living in his own house (once he's given the tenant notice) & you can both see where it goes from there. Anyone who thinks wear & tear on a car is something worth calculating is a CF.

Scorpiovenus · 01/07/2019 15:03

Yea cut your losses sounds like a right asshole.

bananaontoast1 · 01/07/2019 15:04

Going to go against the grain here and say you both seem rather defensive about money and who pays for what - this could be due to your divorces? I suppose if someone has been hurt financially by someone who claimed to love them it could cause this sort of behaviour in future relationships?

I don't think there is particularly anything to say he's hankering after getting on the deeds - he might have gone quiet because he's suddenly realised he's been a bit of a nob saying these things, and doesn't want to escalate anything further? He is also, as you say, currently at work!

Personally I think you both need to calm down a bit, before rushing into solicitors and having contracts drawn up, perhaps it might be best to sit down and have a proper talk with each other about your living arrangements and finances and any past hurt/worries that could be causing this defensive behaviour?

OralBElectricToothbrush · 01/07/2019 15:06

I would immediately hire someone out to do the rest of it and he'd be gone.

Pollywollydolly · 01/07/2019 15:07

You are storing up trouble for yourself OP.. He could claim that he undertook the work foc because you implied that he would get a share of the house. There is case law which might be relevant but I can't remember the name. There is some information here: www.savvywoman.co.uk/2011/01/living-together-does-your-partner-have-any-rights-to-your-property-once-you-live-together/
Sorry to say I think you need a legal agreement asap.

GabriellaMontez · 01/07/2019 15:11

Someone has been having a chat to him... But I bet they don't know he lives there rent free...

mrsm43s · 01/07/2019 15:42

If he's not benefiting from the increase in value of the property, I think you should be paying him for the work he does. Or rather, you should pay someone else to do it so as to not confuse the issue.

The fact that he pays no rent, and you have no mortgage means that you both share the cost of living in the house 50:50 presumably. I think he would have a good case to claim a percentage of the property if it went to court, by virtue of living there, sharing costs and doing/funding improvements (but IANAL). What is his property worth compared to your property? If you pooled all of your assets, is it roughly a 50:50 situation? If so, then why not do that? That way he benefits for the improvements done to the house you live in, but you benefit from the mortgage being paid down on the property that is rented out.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/07/2019 16:13

Wow..

My guess is he's laying traps for you... So he has some claim over ownership..

He's a cheeky fucker... You're subsidising massively every week while he makes money not living in his house...

If he says... I should go on deeds... Smile sweetly and say.. That would only work if I have access to your rental income and you put me on YOUR house deeds.... Think that will shut him up

Blueuggboots · 01/07/2019 16:15

Be really really careful!
A friend of mine has recently been stung massively.
Unbeknown to her, he "DP" has kept every single receipt for everything he's bought for the house. She has paid out money for food etc and never kept the bills because she thought they were a team.
He's now trying to extort £100k out of her!!

MonkeyTrap · 01/07/2019 16:16

I think I’d be looking at separating rather than a cohab agreement.

Wear and tear on his car? WTF? Does he want to claim mileage??

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