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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a cohabitation agreement?

57 replies

therealmrsclooney · 01/07/2019 13:39

I am divorced, have paid off my mortgage and my current partner has been living with me for 2 years. I don't charge him rent, but we split household bills 50/50 and have a joint account to cover food and entertainments. He lets out his house and is paying off the mortgage with the rental income.

We are renovating my house. I pay for all the materials and the labour, he does some minor stuff - mainly garden based - and gives me advice (he is a construction project manager). I have renovated several houses, so don't need a lot of advice.

He has been doing some landscaping for me in his free time. I wanted to get a professional in but he insisted he could save me money, enjoys working outside, wanted a project etc. It's quite a big project and his dad and sons have been involved for a few days here and there for the last couple of months. This weekend I was away and he and his son laid a lot of concrete foundations and played cricket, so he was knackered when I got back.

I got a bit of a cool reception from him, followed by messages this morning about how the project is costing him money, wear and tear on his car, he's having to pay his boys, it's wearing him out, and that he's adding value to my house. (Remember, I never asked him to undertake this project and in fact we had a row when I said I could get someone in.) I pointed out I have been paying for materials and paying some money to his boys when they help, cooking meals for his parents when they come and help out, and that if he feels he's out of pocket he should remember that he doesn't pay any rent so hopefully that [COLOSSAL] saving should mitigate any wear and tear on the car etc. I said I am happy for him not to pay rent on the understanding that he would not have any beneficial interest in the house in the event of a split or sale. He's gone very quiet since then (but he is at work).

I think we need to get a Cohabitation Agreement drawn up by a solicitor - though I have also read they're not legally enforceable. Any wise words/experience of this? Who is the CF here??

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 01/07/2019 16:23

Sounds as though you need to sit down together, face to face, and talk about how you see your selves, as a couple or as two independent people living together.

cornflakegirl · 01/07/2019 16:33

Maybe he's just regretting taking on such a big project? I'd suggest paying someone to finish it off - or maybe compromise on paying someone to do the physical side and him just project manage it? It does seem a bit off that him, his dad and his sons are working so very hard on a project that mainly benefits you.

PanamaPattie · 01/07/2019 16:35

Cock. Lodger. Get rid.

Original poster
therealmrsclooney · 01/07/2019 16:38

Thank you for all your comments. To answer some of the more pertinent questions... I think his mum and dad are delighted he has found a wonderful Mumsnetter to share the trials of life with! They are generous and kind to me and my daughter.

Partner had a very expensive and miserable divorce. My ex husband and I did ours on the cheap and with the utmost civility. I am financially ok until my daughter leaves home in 4 years. Then I have a very small pension and an enjoyable (but almost minimum wage) part time job - if I'm still functioning by then. Partner is self employed and lost a lot of money on a project last year - and is now managing a large debt. Though he is working hard and earning money, so staying afloat. I have loaned him some money and he has been paying it back slowly but still owes me several thousand pounds. (I know, I know).

He hasn't ever mentioned going on the deeds, but he has grafted hard and is obviously having a "What's in it for me?" moment - forgetting that the benefit to him is rent-free living! Which is why I took the opportunity to remind him in black and white. Yes, it's possible his dad has said something to him but if he has, it'll be because he has no idea he's living here gratis.

Very interesting about the man who saved up all the receipts. That is totally, blatantly ccklodging cheek-fckery of the highest order.

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 01/07/2019 16:39

OP I’d definitely get an agreement in place. Then you all know where you stand and any more projects he offers to take on you can refer back to the agreement and say sure, as long as you remember it’s in line with the terms we agreed.

My DP lives with me in the house I own and I both charge him rent and have a cohabitation agreement in place (I have a mortgage so would otherwise be paying for both his living expenses and my own).

If and when I want something more serious and feel ready for marriage then the position will obviously change but in the meantime I’m not willing to risk my hard-earned investment. I insist on paying for expensive items (anything more than £50) to avoid anything like you’re experiencing now, even though DP says he wants to go halves.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/07/2019 16:59

I have loaned him some money and he has been paying it back slowly but still owes me several thousand pounds. (I know, I know)
Oh ffs OP! Can you really afford to lose that amount?

So he owes you money and was complaining about the cost of the job AFTER dissuading you from paying someone to do it - how much do you wanna bet he deducts the cost of the job from what he owes you?
You are very convenient for him.

Please go and get legal advice and secure yourself properly.

IncandescentShadow · 01/07/2019 17:02

I don't like the sound of him OP. I'd be very wary. I suspect the comments were a lot to do with you being away for the weekend and the fact that him, his son and his father were involved in what appears to be the family business (are none of them independently employed?)

He doesn't pay you rent (surely worth at least £5000 or so for 2 years), he owes you money which he borrowed from you, presumably interest free, and he's talking about charging you for work he offered to do on your house. And lets not over-egg the pudding. Its landscaping. While it makes your house look nicer, it generally doesn't add extra value like an extra bedroom or extension. You have managed the renovation of several properties yourself and must be reasonably good at it since you're now mortgage-free. I would question how great his construction management skills actually are and doubt they're worth paying for in a live-in relationship, where partners generally do things that benefit each other and their home free of charge.

I'd have a cohabitation agreement (not sure how binding they always are but at least they show intent) AND a tenancy agreement charging him rent. He is an adult male. He should be capable of paying for his own housing.

tbh if it was me, I'd dump him as I've heard of too many men using women who own their own homes and then trying to make a claim on them when they split up, and ending up with money being given to them because its cheaper to do so than fight them in court.

His comment about wear and tear on his car is ridiculous. Just how much would he charge for a few days local use of a car exactly?

I'd also find out what really happened in his divorce, just in case he is over-egging the pudding and not giving the full picture.

ElizaPancakes · 01/07/2019 17:02

I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt until your update that he owes you several thousand pounds.

I might have been guilty of having a moan and then having a pointed out to me that my short term annoyance is outweighed massively by the long term pros.

Crockof · 01/07/2019 17:06

🚨 🚨 Cock lodger alert 🚨 🚨

Also worrying that he was fucked over by his ex. He will be very bitter and feel he is owed. If you do split he will take perceived injustice out on you. I would cancel some of the debt he has to you at the same price it would have cost you to pay someone to do the work. Then he can't hold that over you. I'd also be down the solicitor PDQ

OralBElectricToothbrush · 01/07/2019 17:17

He saw you coming! I'd see a solicitor ASAP if I were you.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 01/07/2019 17:20

Wear and tear on his car, FFS, when he's been living at yours rent free and owes you several thousand pounds and doesn't fucking work regularly! Jesus wept, what age is he? Still in debt and not getting a job, any job to pay it off himself and pay his own way in life? Would rather sponge off a woman so he can skive out of work and get his tenant to pay his mortgage and then cry foul that he's entitled to more? LOSER.

Original poster
therealmrsclooney · 01/07/2019 17:27

That's definitely worth thinking about, Crockof.

Incandescent - you almost made me laugh about the landscaping! But for the record, his dad is retired and his son has just finished GCSEs.

Just to round off this whole sad saga, I should include the comi-tragic events of Friday night, where partner decided to start digging some foundations at 9pm, and put his pickaxe through the gas main. Luckily, we know exactly where the gas comes into the garden and could remove the housing and turn it off. I rang the gas emergency number and a gang of men arrived to sort it out at midnight, saying as they left that we would be getting a bill!

OP posts:
Original poster
therealmrsclooney · 01/07/2019 17:29

OralB - he does work! And hard/long hours.

OP posts:
Howyiz · 01/07/2019 17:29

Have you posted about him before? If not another mumsnetter has a very similar situation!

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/07/2019 17:37

i hope he's paying that bill?

Original poster
therealmrsclooney · 01/07/2019 17:41

Howyiz - am a lurker, not usually a poster so I promise that I haven never posted this before. Would love to chat to the other woman in same situation if you can possibly remember any key words I might use to find her on here.

OP posts:
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 01/07/2019 17:43

Cocklodger alert. I’ve learnt (from bitter experience) that it’s a red flag to lend a man money. I hope he comes good on paying you back.

herculepoirot2 · 01/07/2019 17:46

He is: in debt generally; in debt to you; paying off a mortgage using rent he only gets because he lives with you; not paying you rent; trying to get payment out of you for a favour you didn’t ask for.

Hmmm.

MonkeyTrap · 01/07/2019 17:46

I agree he sounds like a cocklodger.

When DH and I were dating we helped each other decorate our homes. We did it because we cared for one another not for any financial benefit.

greenlloon · 01/07/2019 17:52

you can argue why would anyone pa rent and not get anything back when they could pay the mortgage down and build equity

Original poster
therealmrsclooney · 01/07/2019 17:55

SavingSpaces - I hope so too.

Whilst I am partly alarmed by the weight of opinion that I should dump him, there are also some really helpful points from you all and I am very grateful. Of course, I am showing him in the worst light possible and - gasp - I have a few faults too.

I think I may have underestimated the sense of injustice he has about the divorce. He lost a lot then, and lost a lot last year. I don't think he was actually looking for a 'nurse with a purse' (thank you for that, earlier poster!) but he couldn't afford to have a relationship with someone who wasn't financially independent.

I know his dad is worried about him going through the stress and financial upset of another divorce in the future and said something along the lines of how he'll be structuring his will so that no future wife could get her hands on any inheritance! Ha ha... how I laughed to myself. If he ever brings this up again I'll be telling him a few home truths.

I think we will download one of the cohabitation agreement templates available online and work through it. It will be a useful exercise. And it seems that although they are not necessarily legally binding, they are very clear statement of intent from both parties and would not be easy to overturn.

OP posts:
MonkeyTrap · 01/07/2019 17:55

I can’t believe he’s not paying rent, you’ve lent him money and yet he still thinks you somehow owe him.

Just because he pays rent doesn’t automatically mean he acquires a legal interest in your home. If it’s towards bills etc and not home improvements then it is unlikely to be inferred as him developing an interest.

HollowTalk · 01/07/2019 17:58

You are lending money to a man who is living with you rent free?

HollowTalk · 01/07/2019 18:00

Can you just clarify this? He doesn't pay his own mortgage because the rent pays that. He doesn't pay you any rent. He doesn't have any money and has borrowed money from you. Are you absolutely crazy?

He should at least be paying you half of the rental money that he is taking in from his property.

Supersimpkin · 01/07/2019 18:34

I've changed my mind about partner based on your updates. Watch yourself.

There's nowt more unattractive - and suspicious - than a man who whines about divorce cost to persuade another woman to finance him.

You can bet his exw would take issue with the figures he and his family are bandying about. The law doesn't work like that, for a start.

I suspect he's a serial failed entrepreneur. That would account for the missing money and his determination to find a tit to suck on because he's got no intention of getting a job.

Ask him to pay for something that only benefits you. You'll get the answer to everything.