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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not attend wedding?

80 replies

thund3rbolt · 01/07/2019 13:34

I'm in my 20s. Recently my mum told me very last minute that I have been invited to a very very distant family member's wedding. I have only ever met the bride 3/4 times. My parents have fallen out with many family members which makes social gatherings incredibly awkward as we are often ignored by extended family.

I have carved out my own lovely life (children and husband) and don't feel the need to put myself in uncomfortable situations. My mother is "forcing" me to go and manipulating me emotionally. AIBU to not attend? The wedding is next month.

OP posts:

sandragreen · 01/07/2019 14:38

Agree with PP

My Narc mother went NC with me years ago. The relief was enormous

Out of five of us, only one sibling is still in contact with her and they are the Golden Child so it is very hard for them. I am still in regular contact with the GC sibling. We just don't mention narc mother.

Don't attend the wedding. Let her cut you off and see it as the start of the rest of your life.

Pinkpartyplanner · 01/07/2019 14:44

Your mother IS STILL ABUSING YOU. Emotional blackmailing you and threatening To go nc if she doesn’t get her way is classic and unless you put a stop to it this will continue to be your life.
Don’t bloody go. She won’t go nc believe me

onalongsabbatical · 01/07/2019 14:44

You
Don't
Have
To
Go.
xx

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/07/2019 14:51

How dare she? This would be outrageous behaviour coming from anyone. What is it makes so many people think shared DNA gives them a free pass to bulldoze others into compliance with their wishes, against their own will and inclination?

Contact the B&G directly and decline the invitation. And FWIW, I'm not at all convinced your mother will follow through on her threat to go NC. It would cut off her narc-supply at the knees, and narcs really don't like that. They thrive on the drama.

But I'd not blame you one bit if you took her entirely at her word, instigated NC with her, and stuck to it.

Poetic justice or what?

Deelish75 · 01/07/2019 14:52

Time to stand up for yourself! Tell her to stop controlling and manipulating you - use those words to her. You're not going to this wedding. It's not up for discussion. She'll be back in contact when she want something else from you.

Have I got this right she wants you to go to help build bridges with other family members? If that doesn't go to plan she will blame you anyway. (I'm the scapegoated child - been there with my own mother).

ddl1 · 01/07/2019 14:55

YANBU. No one IMO is obliged to attend a wedding, unless they are the bride, the groom, or have agreed to play a specific role such as bridesmaid or best man. If it's a close relative or friend, then it would be a good thing to attend the wedding if you're invited and can make it at all. But not every distant relative. And why is your mum so concerned about your attending it? If it was the bride and groom themselves who were demanding your presence it would still be unreasonable but a bit more understandable. Frankly, there seem to be still a lot more problems with your mother's relationship with you than one disagreement over a wedding, if she can threaten to cut off contact over something like this. Some form of family therapy could conceivably help, I suppose, but she probably wouldn't agree as she is so sure that she's right on everything. Or you could just let her cut off contact if she wishes, as she sadly seems to be more of a source of stress than of happiness or affection.

ChuckleBuckles · 01/07/2019 14:56

Have you had any support or counselling to deal with your childhood abuse OP? I think long term that would be a good starting point, help you get some boundaries in place.

noonarna · 01/07/2019 14:57

Agree with a previous poster. I would put money on the fact you haven't actually been invited and she is just going to bring you along to cause upset or stress. Classic narc move.

Communicate with bride and groom directly. Say you aren't sure if you've been invited because it's all hearsay through your mother, but either way you will not be attending, and congratulations.

Provincialbelle · 01/07/2019 14:58

Anyone holding a pistol to my head gets the same response - go whistle

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/07/2019 14:59

"Why would an invitation for a married, separate life independant adult have gone to your mum? "
Given that this is a "very very distant family member's wedding" who CherryPav has only met 3/4 times; I wonder if the bride doesn't have CherryPav's address to send it direct?

@CherryPav, do you have contact details for the bride (or could you find them via Facebook etc.)? If you can, I would drop them a brief congratulations but regretfully I cannot attend, best wishes.

Incidentally, what branch of the family is it? Your mums, dad's or stepdad's? You say her behaviour has made it awkward over the years, would you like to build a relationship with these relatives? For yourself, not her, I mean?

You said if you didn't go, "it would adversely affect my siblings." I presume they're all younger than you, are they still living with her? How can it affect them? And also, why is that YOUR responsibility and not hers?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/07/2019 15:04

How will this affect your siblings? If they are adults (even young adults) then they are responsible for their own relationship with your mother. If she gives them a hard time because you aren't going, that's not your fault, nor is is your problem. If they give you a hard time because Mum is giving them a hard time, then you need to re-think your relationship (or at least it's dynamics) with them, too. No one has the right to make you feel bad about a decision you have made for yourself. And no one has the right to expect you to make decisions based on what will make their life easier.

Don't go. Tell mum you're fine with her going NC.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/07/2019 15:05

You are an adult. You Just. Say. No.

Drum2018 · 01/07/2019 15:06

You didn't get an invitation so no, I wouldn't go. As you don't live with your mother and have a family of your own then surely the B&G would have sent you your own invite. I'd ignore your mother completely and there's no way I'd go as the B&G might be very shocked to see you there.

As of today make a conscious decision to start standing up for yourself against your bitch of a mother. You don't want her having an influence over your children when she is abusive towards you. If you have younger siblings can you arrange with them to see them away from the house?

NameChange92 · 01/07/2019 15:22

YANBU not to attend BUT I think you need to have a conversation directly with one of the couple getting married/ their parents rather than send the message through your Mum.

Has the invitation just been sent or was it sent a long time ago and your Mum has only just told you about it?
Has your Mum already accepted on your behalf? As others have said are you even sure you've been invited?

I'd contact the bride/her parents directly and explain that your Mum has told you you're invited, if you aren't sure if you have been invited or your Mum is trying to make trouble explain that and ask them to clarify either way, then say you're very sorry you aren't going to be able to attend as you have a prior engagement, explain the situation if your Mum has accepted on your behalf without your consent and ask for details to send a card directly and give them your contact details for any future correspondence. You may not particularly be bothered about having a relationship with them but there's no need to allow your Mum's game playing to taint you too by letting her paint you as the bad guy. Take control of your own relationship with them directly, they undoubtedly know what she's like and you may even find some allies in the wider family.

twosoups1972 · 01/07/2019 15:24

This thread sounds very familiar as my own mother is also very controlling and manipulative. She also fell out with most members of our extended family so I grew up with no family which was very lonely. Her attitude was if she fell out with someone, then I'm not allowed to talk to them either.

I am pretty much NC with my mother now. BUT...a few years ago something wonderful happened - I tracked down some of my cousins who I have not seen all my adult life. They have welcomed me back into the family and I have got to know them. My mother would be furious if she found out I am in touch with them. But I don't care - I am an adult and can see who I like.

It took me a long time to break free of my mother's demands.

OP, you say you have only met the bride a few times but do you like her? I'm wondering if you could perhaps build up a relationship with her and other family members independently of your mother?

Ignore your mother's demands and threats. If you would like to go to the wedding with your dh and dc on your own terms, then contact the bride and groom and discuss it with them.

When your own mother lets you down badly, it's nice to have other family members to fall back on who treat you decently.

RosaWaiting · 01/07/2019 15:50

I love my mum to bits

but no one communicates on my behalf.

let her have hysterics. Don't listen to them. is she likely to turn up on the doorstep?

BustedDreams · 01/07/2019 15:55

If you really don’t want to go, don’t go. Don’t let fear, obligation or guilt trick you into going.

PirateWeasel · 01/07/2019 15:58

You know you've got the upper hand here, don't you? She wants you there as a buffer between her and the relations she's fallen out with. If you don't go she's threatening to go NC which will hurt her way more than you. You can easily have an independent relationship with your siblings, you don't need to go through her. Or if they're as mental as she is and take her side then you just go NC with them too. You can't lose in this situation! The bride and groom definitely won't care what you do as long as you confirm to them yourself.

Isatis · 01/07/2019 16:00

Do you actually know if you have been invited?

How would your mother cutting off contact with you affect your siblings?

YouokHun · 01/07/2019 16:26

Communicate with bride and groom directly. Say you aren't sure if you've been invited because it's all hearsay through your mother, but either way you will not be attending, and congratulations

What noonarna says ^^. I get the sense the invitation doesn’t really exist and by communicating separately with family members you distance yourself from your mother’s behaviour in their eyes (a good thing) and remove some of her power. Just don’t debate with her anymore. I don’t quite understand how you not going to the wedding affects your siblings adversely?

ginghamtablecloths · 01/07/2019 16:40

It sounds like your mother is still abusing you on an emotional level. For your own sanity you must get out from under in whichever way works.

CherryPavlova · 01/07/2019 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CherryPavlova · 01/07/2019 17:50

As happens, my mother is receiving end of life care and not expected to live more than a few weeks. I’m not sure it’s very nice to post silly pretend situations anyway but to try to pretend you are someone else about whose situation you know nothing isn’t acceptable, is it?
Reported.

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 01/07/2019 17:54

Hi all

We're taking this down whilst we have a look into the OP.

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 01/07/2019 20:51

Hi all

We're reinstating this thread and due to some confusion around usernames, we'll be changing it over to something of the OP's choice.

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