AIBU to not attend wedding?

[thund3rbolt]

I'm in my 20s. Recently my mum told me very last minute that I have been invited to a very very distant family member's wedding. I have only ever met the bride 3/4 times. My parents have fallen out with many family members which makes social gatherings incredibly awkward as we are often ignored by extended family.

I have carved out my own lovely life (children and husband) and don't feel the need to put myself in uncomfortable situations. My mother is "forcing" me to go and manipulating me emotionally. AIBU to not attend? The wedding is next month.

Are you going as your mums plus one?

Unless you got your own invitation you don’t need to RSVP

Your mother has created this drama, ignore it and her.

I wish I could go no contact with her (which we basically are until she wants me to play happy families for her friends) but it would adversely affect my siblings.

Easy bit: communicate with the couple directly about the invitation.

Hard bit: ignore your mother. Read up on FOG.

myrtleWilson I saw the username was taken so altered it (to match my username on another forum). I will modify it again.

Say no and pray she goes no contact, if she does not then you do

Read this thread OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3622171-To-ask-those-of-you-who-have-gone-NC-with-parents

CherryPavIova, have you actually seen the invite? I would be suspicious that you haven’t actually been invited but she wants to cause difficulty for the wedding couple by turning up with extra people, just to spite them.

Are your siblings going? What's their take on things?

Will your siblings blame you if your mother doesn’t talk to you??

If you arent going to enjoy it, then I wouldnt go. If you havent had a direct in-your-hand-postal-inviation then I wouldnt go. Do you actually know these people ?

To go NC over something so trivial is ridiculous. I wouldn't be manipulated by this.

I'm also questioning why the invitation hasn't come to you directly and is so late.

I would liaise directly with the couple and make your apologies. Maybe you could explain that you've only just heard and you have a prior arrangement? I would also make a point of giving them your contact details so they can deal directly with you in future.

My mum is almost a different mother towards my siblings (half-siblings really as my dad was her first husband who left her). I spent my entire childhood being scapegoated and demonised. It wasn't unusual for her to say "wait until your (half)brother comes home and he'll deal with you". She would often expect my siblings to act "better than me" but they would often react identically to me but wouldn't be scolded beforehand/mentally tortured.

apparently by not attending it's showing my mum that I don't love her as my absence will prevent her from building bridges with family members who have got sick of her shit.

It’s not your job to build her bridges for her, is it?

Just ignore her. Say no, and keep saying no.

How would it affect your siblings? Just have a separate relationship with them.

Grow a backbone and tell your mother she is being ridiculous. So what if going NC makes life awkward for your siblings? Your mother is making life very bloody awkward for you!

My mum says she is going to cut contact if I don't attend.

Leave her then, your mother sounds like a child

What's the problem regarding your siblings?

For goodness sake you are a grown woman. How can your mother still tell you what to do?

Your mother: “wedding blah blah....”
You: “no mother”
Mother: “but blah blah....”
You: “no mother, talk soon, goodbye”

That’s it. Don’t get into it with her.

Why can't one of your siblings go ?
Ask for the invite and contact the couple directly to decline and sending a card

Why would an invitation for a married, separate life independant adult have gone to your mum? Or is she accepting for you as her 'plus one'?

Either way, contact the bride directly, say you can't make it, tell your mum 'that doesn't work for me' ad infinitum. If she tries emotional blackmail, just let her. Anyone who has to blackmail someone into attending what should be a pleasant family affair KNOWS FOR CERTAIN that it's not going to be a pleasant family affair. Or doesn't intend for it to be such.

My mum says she is going to cut contact if I don't attend.

Good. Call her bluff, @CherryPavIova. Stop letting her triangulate by doing all the communicating. Take her out of the equation by speaking to the bride yourself and politely declining the invitation. Then tell your Mother you will not be going and that is the end of it.

She will flounce, rage, sulk and guilt trip you - stand strong and put your foot down. When she threatens you with NC, say “That is your choice, Mum.”

You are an adult. I’ve haven’t seen my (very similar) Mum for 4 years and life is so much more peaceful.

Are your siblings younger and still live at home?

Your siblings relationship with your mum is their responsibility, it is their relationship. Stop letting her manipulate you. I'd go no contact with her before she had the chance to cut me off.

Cherry. You say ‘ my mum abused me growing up’. She is still abusing you now. Take charge of your life now. Tell her no and that if she continues to pester you are going block her for a while. Then follow through. She is no longer the boss of you.

Its time to stand up to mother.

You are an adult, you don't need to go, be firm. No you will not be attending, and if she wants to cut contact then that is a matter for her. Don't be blackmailed or buy into her drama. If she probably needs to take up a hobby or a job, she has way too much time on her hands.

Don't indulge her anymore.