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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had my feelings hurt by my husband?

67 replies

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 30/06/2019 23:45

I watched our three children (a baby and two toddlers) all weekend so my husband could spend two nights camping and competing in a sports event. The kids didn’t sleep well this weekend and by the time it was time for him to come home I was shattered. He was later than predicted and was driving with his sister and BIL. When they arrived at the door he was happy to greet the kids and had gotten them some souvenirs. I got them all excited to see him and they ran to him etc. He then did not even say hello to me or greet me - just started getting his bags and things into the house. Said goodbye to his sister and BIL with hugs. He then said he could feel something was off and I said I just felt hurt that he hadn’t greeted or acknowledged me. He things I am over reacting and being too sensitive and that it’s an impossible standard. I told him he had time to greet the kids and say goodbye to the others so why not also hug and say hello to his wife. He says I should have made a bigger deal of his sporting accomplishment and I feel like he should have been thanking me for holding the fort and having a hot meal and happy kids and a clean house for him. I guess we both were focussed on our own wants and needs etc. Each being selfish in our own way.

But - was it unreasonable for me to want to be greeted at the door when he got home?

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 30/06/2019 23:50

It’s not unreasonable, but it is a bit of a “film scene” expectation rather than reality. The children will have demanded, with no element of self consciousness, his attention. You will have been more reserved, as is natural and normal in an adult.

I’m guilty of the “film scene not reality” expectation sometimes too.

Neither of you are wrong, really.

PawPawNoodle · 30/06/2019 23:50

I dont understand, were you stood at the door and he walked past you without a hello?

Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 30/06/2019 23:55

No he didn’t walk past without a hello. He just greeted the kids and then focussed on getting his equipment into the house. He just didn’t give me any kind of greeting or acknowledgement. He wasn’t overtly ignoring me, just focussing on the kids everyone else.

OP posts:
Iliterallycantthinkofanythingq · 01/07/2019 03:54

I'd be pissed off too. It's rude and especially embarrassing in front of other people

Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 01/07/2019 07:28

Yes, that is probably it hurt so much - because he didn’t really acknowledge me and it was in front of other people. I was surprised. But it also brings up old issues surrounding his sister because she used to be very jealous of our relationship and caused drama if he showed me affection so he would avoid showing me affection around her to avoid the drama. I feel like that definitely plays into it and made the situation more sensitive than it would have been for me.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 01/07/2019 07:33

I'd also be annoyed. I was brought up to greet family and loved ones properly and to let people know when you're leaving the house and to say a proper goodbye. My husband was not taught this.

He would in the past, just go out to get milk or whatever and not say "I''m just nipping out, bye!" I don't expect a hug when he's off for milk of course but when he arrives home, I do expect a hug.

Your DH was thoughtless and it made you feel less than everyone else. Taking you for granted.

HennyPennyHorror · 01/07/2019 07:34

I should clarify...I don't expect a hug when he's been out for a pint of milk! But if he's been away.

funmummy48 · 01/07/2019 07:44

I'd have gone up to him & given him a hug. He probably needed to get his stuff in quickly so as not to delay his sister & brother in law from going home but also needed to greet his excited kids. Maybe after he was in & sorted you'd have got a hug from him then.

Waiting1987 · 01/07/2019 07:46

I think you are overreacting. Did you congratulate him on his sporting achievement? If not, then I suppose he couid could feel equally hurt. Just let it go...

fedup21 · 01/07/2019 07:47

But it also brings up old issues surrounding his sister because she used to be very jealous of our relationship and caused drama if he showed me affection so he would avoid showing me affection around her to avoid the drama. I feel like that definitely plays into it

With that sort of background l, yes-I would feel the same as you. It would prob also make me paranoid as well that they'd spent the weekend talking about me!

What was his amazing sporting prowess?!

rookiemere · 01/07/2019 07:47

If he thinks that after a weekend of solo childcare, the emphasis should have been on his marvellous achievement, rather than instantly picking up bedtimes etc. then you've got bigger problems than him not greeting you at the door.

FWIW it does sound that he was focused on getting bags out to allow the others to get away as quickly as possible, and as they were running late that does seem sensible.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 01/07/2019 07:49

I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. It’s not too hard to multitask hugging a child while looking at your wife and also saying “Hi love, how are you?”. Not acknowledging you is just rude. It’s no wonder you feel dismissed and humiliated. Who on earth would feel like making a fuss of the sporting achievement of someone who had just been thoughtless and unkind and embarrassed them in front of others. No one.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/07/2019 07:49

I'd have felt sad at no hug. Being fussed about his sporting achievements when I'd had 3 small children all weekend - haha. You worked hard he had fun.

adaline · 01/07/2019 07:53

You didn't acknowledge him either - he was juggling bags and being jumped upon by small children, as well as saying goodbye to his family - did you not get up and say hello and offer to help?

missyB1 · 01/07/2019 07:53

Bit self obsessed of him. Though I suspect it was thoughtlessness rather than deliberate. But yes I would have been annoyed. And he needs to thank you for enabling him to go off and do his own thing for the weekend.

CadburysTastesVileNow · 01/07/2019 07:55

I think you need a weekend off, during which he will discover the reality of looking after the kids solo for 48hrs.

Juells · 01/07/2019 07:55

You didn't acknowledge him either - he was juggling bags and being jumped upon by small children, as well as saying goodbye to his family - did you not get up and say hello and offer to help?

Why did you not lie down across the threshold so you could lick his boots as he entered the house? Hmm

Readytogogogo · 01/07/2019 07:56

I'm surprised by the responses. He should be very grateful to you for facilitating his weekend off. I can't my DH not checking in with me immediately, and I'd be really hurt if he didn't.

Anyonebut · 01/07/2019 07:58

I can understand why you are hurt, but a greeting is like a phone call, it goes both ways.
I would have have said something silly to point out that I was there too, and then I would have given him a hug.
If this is a one off, I would let it go, if he does ignore you regularly, then its time to have a chat.

MsTSwift · 01/07/2019 08:02

Fgs Yanbu. You greet a plumber or friendly acquaintance who arrive at your door let alone your close family

newmomof1 · 01/07/2019 08:04

I think you're both being unreasonable. Not about the greeting (that's petty) but the fact he expects to have his ego stroked and that you expect to be thanked for looking after your own children.

Juells · 01/07/2019 08:05

I would have have said something silly to point out that I was there too, and then I would have given him a hug.

So you're doing the work for him so he doesn't have to make any effort to be just polite? If you came home from a weekend away would you walk past your husband into the house without showing you're glad to see him?

LimitIsUp · 01/07/2019 08:09

It was a bit insensitive not to acknowledge you when he got home. A 'hello / hi' is required at a minimum....also done gratitude to you for making his weekend possible wouldn't go amiss

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/07/2019 08:19

I think I'd be a bit hurt, sometimes my husband comes back from a few days away and the kids get a hug and a kiss and I dont. I dont think its great for them to see either. We're not that tactile but do make more of an effort now after we had a chat. But it was only a quick chat along the lines of it makes me feel a bit shit when you come back and do x please can we have a hug next time type thing

What I would be pissed off about is dealing with 3 kids in a heatwave all weekend so he could do his hobby and then this not be appreciated! Does he or would he do the same for you? My husband spent a couple of hours on a hobby yesterday then came back late afternoon and thanked me for taking them (baby teething and is not easy at all atm) said hed take the kids for a bit and also put them both to bed that evening so I could have some time to myself. I'd have been pissed off if all I got was 'you're not being appreciative enough of how great I was at my hobby'

Mitzicoco · 01/07/2019 08:27

I would have run up to him and given him a a massive hug after the kids had.