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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had my feelings hurt by my husband?

67 replies

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 30/06/2019 23:45

I watched our three children (a baby and two toddlers) all weekend so my husband could spend two nights camping and competing in a sports event. The kids didn’t sleep well this weekend and by the time it was time for him to come home I was shattered. He was later than predicted and was driving with his sister and BIL. When they arrived at the door he was happy to greet the kids and had gotten them some souvenirs. I got them all excited to see him and they ran to him etc. He then did not even say hello to me or greet me - just started getting his bags and things into the house. Said goodbye to his sister and BIL with hugs. He then said he could feel something was off and I said I just felt hurt that he hadn’t greeted or acknowledged me. He things I am over reacting and being too sensitive and that it’s an impossible standard. I told him he had time to greet the kids and say goodbye to the others so why not also hug and say hello to his wife. He says I should have made a bigger deal of his sporting accomplishment and I feel like he should have been thanking me for holding the fort and having a hot meal and happy kids and a clean house for him. I guess we both were focussed on our own wants and needs etc. Each being selfish in our own way.

But - was it unreasonable for me to want to be greeted at the door when he got home?

OP posts:
Aus84 · 01/07/2019 08:28

It's not worth fighting over. Reverse the situation and imagine yourself trying to get in the house, juggling bags, being pounced on by kids and saying goodbye to those that were driving off. From the outside it sounds like you are resentful that he was away and you were home with the kids and wanted to find something to be mad at him about. Did you give him a chance to say hello to you once the chaos had settled? It could have been a really nice catch up after a big weekend for the both of you. He could have had every intention of showing his appreciation. Guess you'll never know.

SoundsAboutRight · 01/07/2019 08:29

Did you go to hug him and he ignored you? If so YANBU but I have to say greeting someone is a 50/50 thing. When my husband comes home from work, our daughter rushes to him for a hug and a kiss so she gets first attention, I then walk towards him and he walks towards me and we greet each other... couldn't your DH be as offended that you didn't greet him? I have to say I would also ask him how he got on whilst maybe grabbing a bag off him and then congratulate him. I wouldn't really expect immediate thanks for looking after my own child but then, if I wanted to go away at some point, I would expect him to look after her without complaint either. Sounds like you are both being rather unreasonable.

Overmaars · 01/07/2019 08:30

I can't imagine coming home from a weekend away and just walking straight upstairs with my bag. Of course I'd go and say hi to my family. I think that's far more normal than me expecting the people who'd been at home rushing out to make a fuss of me,.

And as for it being ok to be taken for granted that you look after your own children, it's a bit different if you're looking after them on your own all weekend when the other person has been on a jolly.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2019 08:35

Reverse the situation and imagine yourself trying to get in the house, juggling bags, being pounced on by kids and saying goodbye to those that were driving off

I can reverse that situation. Can't see a version where when returning to kids, paying taxi, getting luggage out I couldn't find time to lift my head to at least smile and say "hello, have the kids been ok?" to DH.

He was rude. Don't put it on the OP. The question of whether its a big thing or a small thing will depend on what else is going on in the relationship.

overnightangel · 01/07/2019 08:38

Also wondering what this legendary sporting achievement was!!

ControversialFerret · 01/07/2019 08:39

YANBU. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

DH is probably one of the least tactile people I have ever met. He always says hello and kisses me when he comes through the door.

Time for you to have your own 48 hour break I think.

HoppingPavlova · 01/07/2019 08:46

I should clarify...I don't expect a hug when he's been out for a pint of milk! But if he's been away.

I was relieved to read that as I was imagining someone nipping out for 10mins and then the other cracking it when they came back for not doing the whole hug song and danceGrin. I was thinking how very odd.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 01/07/2019 08:49

To be honest, I do think you are making a bit of a fuss! When my DH comes home, the dog goes crazy, jumping up and is so excited to see him. By the time that has died down, we just normally say a quick 'hi' and get on with things! If I got upset every time this happened, I would spend my whole time wallowing in self-pity!

Rosemary46 · 01/07/2019 08:51

You should definitely reverse the situation. Arrange to go away by yourself for the weekend sometime in the next month, leaving him with the children.

Make sure your husband has a hot meal waiting for you when you get home and he makes a big enough fuss asking you how your weekend was.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 01/07/2019 08:55

That’s a really shitty behaviour from him. You enabled him to do his sporting thing and in return get nothing, no gratitude, no hello but accusation that you should have done more! Wow.
He sounds entitled and is taking you for granted.
I sure enough wouldn’t be facilitating his sporting shit un the future.

ScatteredMama82 · 01/07/2019 08:57

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YABU. The kids ambushed him, which is lovely and I'm sure he enjoyed, but he had a lift home and those people were probably keen to set off. It's not unreasonable that he then carries on with getting his kit indoors etc and saying thanks and goodbye so they can go. TBH I think it sounds a bit needy to go in a huff with him because he didn't sweep you off your feet at the threshold with an audience to witness it. Why couldn't you just wait until the others were gone, door was shut and then have a hug etc?

DuploTower · 01/07/2019 08:57

I would be hurt by this too.

If it was a genuine oversight, busy doorway etc I don't think the OP would find it an issue. But she says in the past that his sister has created drama over affection displayed in their relationship. And after a weekend with her it shows his priorities are gratifying his sister at the expense of you feeling humiliated and taken for granted.

I'd be livid.

I'd arrange something nice for a following weekend. He can take the kids. Prick.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 01/07/2019 08:59

My DH is regularly attacked greeted by two overly happy DC at the door when he's been out for work, and he can manage to at least shout a Hello in my direction during the mauling cuddling. I'd have been peeved in your situation too. Its not hard to acknowledge someone in your house even if you can't rush to them.

Reith · 01/07/2019 08:59

YABU. You wanted a big hug, why not go and have a big hug?

NoSauce · 01/07/2019 09:01

Did you bring up the sister/jealousy thing? Has he ever addressed this properly? Ridiculous if that’s the reason he didn’t acknowledge you! He should at least said hello and gave you a quick peck on the cheek imo. Why is his sister like this?

Reith · 01/07/2019 09:01

I don’t agree with the vitriol against the OP’s DH.

It sounds as OP and DH had both had a full on weekend, were both tired and both needed a bit of support and praise.

NoSauce · 01/07/2019 09:02

The husband needed support and praise? Give over.

Juells · 01/07/2019 09:04

both needed a bit of support and praise.

What did he need the support for? "Oh you poor darling, you've had such a tiring weekend enjoying yourself, let me make it all better" Hmm Grin

BeerandBiscuits · 01/07/2019 09:09

It's a free for all when anyone arrives at our house, kids and dogs all competing for attention and those who make the most noise get the most fuss.
Did you just stand back and wait for him to greet and thank you?

ChuckleBuckles · 01/07/2019 09:09

needed a bit of support and praise He was on a jolly for the weekend, not fighting in the trenches.

Yanbu OP, a simple "hello, everything Ok" would be enough. My ex was like this, but then he never said hello to the washer or fridge either and that was all I was to him, a household appliance that got stuff done to make his life easier.

Has he ever explained why his sister was jealous of any affection shown to you? (Does banjo music play when they are together?) Has she ever apologised for how she reacted to you?

SushiForAmateurs · 01/07/2019 09:12

I can't believe more people aren't picking up on the bizarre sister jealous of girlfriend thing!

What the hell is that about...?

wildcherries · 01/07/2019 09:15

Also, why does sister's issues with you trump the relationship? Him saying you didn't acknowledge his sporting achievement is a bit childish. You stayed home with the children, which meant he could have fun. He seems selfish. Saying hello is too seconds.

Chickenwing · 01/07/2019 09:19

I think you are overthinking this. He has been too busy/distracted, he hasn't purposely not greeted you. Having said that, when you brought it up he should have just said "oh sorry love" and gave you a hug then. Sounds like a silly argument which could easily have been avoided.

trackingmedown · 01/07/2019 09:24

Obviously without being there no one can be quite sure what went on but it sounds to me like it was an oversight. You’ve got the kids running around all hyped up and excited to see their dad and their gifts. He’s unpacking the bags and saying thanks and goodbye to the couple that drove him and by the sounds of it you were standing back from this scene. It isn’t great to overlook your partner in this way but sometimes it’s the reality of life with DC.

Of course he should have greeted you, but equally you could have stepped up and said ‘well done darling’ and given him a hug so he could complain that you didn’t greet him.

Notcopingwellhere · 01/07/2019 09:24

My take on this was that he was getting his stuff in quickly so as to get shot of the sister and BIL and come in, close the door behind him and then give you his full attention, saying how nice it was to be home with you again.

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