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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have had my feelings hurt by my husband?

67 replies

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 30/06/2019 23:45

I watched our three children (a baby and two toddlers) all weekend so my husband could spend two nights camping and competing in a sports event. The kids didn’t sleep well this weekend and by the time it was time for him to come home I was shattered. He was later than predicted and was driving with his sister and BIL. When they arrived at the door he was happy to greet the kids and had gotten them some souvenirs. I got them all excited to see him and they ran to him etc. He then did not even say hello to me or greet me - just started getting his bags and things into the house. Said goodbye to his sister and BIL with hugs. He then said he could feel something was off and I said I just felt hurt that he hadn’t greeted or acknowledged me. He things I am over reacting and being too sensitive and that it’s an impossible standard. I told him he had time to greet the kids and say goodbye to the others so why not also hug and say hello to his wife. He says I should have made a bigger deal of his sporting accomplishment and I feel like he should have been thanking me for holding the fort and having a hot meal and happy kids and a clean house for him. I guess we both were focussed on our own wants and needs etc. Each being selfish in our own way.

But - was it unreasonable for me to want to be greeted at the door when he got home?

OP posts:

Juells · 01/07/2019 09:29

equally you could have stepped up and said ‘well done darling’ and given him a hug so he could complain that you didn’t greet him.

Stepford Wives Rule OK

trackingmedown · 01/07/2019 09:33

I am amazed that people are surprised at the sister jealousy thing. IME it’s very common. My SIL was jealous of me when I married DH - they were very close and she was hurt that he was marrying someone she hadn’t met or got to know (we were not living in the same country as her). She soon got over it.

And when my brother moved in with his eventual husband I was very jealous for a while that after 35 years he was closer to someone else than he was to me. I was polite and friendly but inside I was an unreasonable mess. Again, I got over it and now I love my BIL as a family member and very good friend.

Next week a mate’s son is getting married and there is a lot of competitiveness between his sister and the bride to be about who knows the groom best. So much so that the sister wasn’t invited to the hen do. Hopefully that will get past it too.

It happens a lot and grownups normally get over themselves. As the Op said, it’s an old issue but his actions triggered some past sensitivity.

Reith · 01/07/2019 09:43

What did he need the support for?

That he'd had a busy, stressful weekend? That there'd been a strained atmosphere all weekend? That he'd been defending OP to his sister for the last hour? I don't know what it might have been, but his reaction to OP, in not apologising and meeting her needs, suggests that he wasn't full of adult resources.

ittakes2 · 01/07/2019 09:49

See this would not even cross my mind - I would have been happy to see my hubby so I would have gone over to him. If I had felt a bit left out I would have said hey I feel left out! and still gone over to him. I think you are understandably a bit pissed off you were home holding the fort while he did his hobby.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2019 09:59

It's a bit bloody rude, really, isn't it.

Hello darlings, how lovely to see you, I have stuff for you!

Let me get stuff for you!
Bye sister and BIL, how lovely to have spent all weekend with you!

When pulled up on it - "oh you weren't congratulatory enough about ME doing MY THING while you stayed at home looking after our children all weekend"

Oh do fuck off, mate.

wildcherries · 01/07/2019 10:03

ThumbWitchesAbroad
Quite.

newmomof1 · 01/07/2019 10:13

I think you are understandably a bit pissed off you were home holding the fort while he did his hobby.

Why is this an issue? Why is he not allowed a weekend away?
I assume OP is more jealous that his SIL AND BIL were there and she wasn't invited.

I'm sure if OP booked a weekend away with the girls her DH would manage.

Original poster

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 01/07/2019 10:42

So I did hold back until everyone left and tried to give him a hug then and he resisted and tried to focus on the kids, saying he felt there was some tension with me. If he has simply hugged me back then I would have been fine. It was a rough weekend. He left on Friday and the kids did not sleep well in the heat so I was shattered. I managed to keep it together cheerfully all weekend. He was late by several hours getting home and I didn’t make a big deal of that. But seeing them come back from the weekend as a chummy group while I had been watching the kids and then not even being greeted hit a sore spot. Yes he may have been unconsciously putting his sister’s feelings first due to the history of her causing drama in the past (she was single for years when we were dating/married so he always tried to downplay affection around her since she was so sensitive about being single). I do think he was distracted coming in the door but I gently tried to hug him and tell him I would like to be acknowledged when he gets home. As one poster said a simple “sorry dear here’s a big hug” would have done the trick.

I think I felt resentful if I’m being honest because he has gotten to go away recently with work a few times to a four star hotel, team weekends etc. Meanwhile him going away means no support for me. This full weekend was too much on top of a few recent work trips. I have a breastfeeding baby so it’s not really easy for me to get away. And as my kids are all young, it’s been like this for a few years now. DH gets away now and then with work or on his sporting outings. Not too often but once every couple of months. And I get nothing. And us getting away as a couple happens about once per year. I am burnt out from non stop childcare even though I love my kids so much.

If anyone has ideas of what I could do to have my own get away time on a weekend while he stays with the children I am all ears. I feel like my brain is basically fried and even thinking of something to do along seems hard.

OP posts:

Pinkfinkle · 01/07/2019 10:46

I’m absolutely certain he didn’t mean any malice with this. He was obviously bombarded with affection from the toddlers and probably didn’t even think about it very much, worrying about getting his bags in and such.

I think you’re knackered and hypersensitive as a result. Understandable, you need a rest! I hope you also get to have a weekend away from the DC.

missyB1 · 01/07/2019 10:54

He definitely needs a weekend on his own with the kids! Perhaps then he will appreciate why you deserved acknowledgement and gratitude when he arrived home!
I know you are bf, will you be weaning anytime soon? Will baby take an expressed bottle? Could you have a night or two away with family or a friend?

newmomof1 · 01/07/2019 11:17

See OP you could have said that at the start because you now seem a lot more reasonable and I've changed my mind and think DH is a bit of a dick!

Reith · 01/07/2019 11:53

You could say, "I feel like my brain is fried. I've been thinking how good it was that you took some space to do your sport so I'm thinking of taking a long weekend to do similar. What works best for you? Next weekend or the weekend after?".

Reith · 01/07/2019 11:55

The husband needed support and praise? Give over.

Well, sometimes I need support when I'm tired or overwhelmed. And sometimes I expect recognition from my loved ones when I've achieved something that was tough for me.

Aus84 · 01/07/2019 11:58

So I did hold back until everyone left and tried to give him a hug then and he resisted and tried to focus on the kids

This needed to be said in your first post.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2019 23:32

So did he apologise?

And as my kids are all young, it’s been like this for a few years now.

I find this phrasing rather telling - they are your kids. In between working and organising his regular weekend jollies what is his contribution to the home front? What would he do if you planned a weekend away on your own without a phone?

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2019 23:35

Well, sometimes I need support when I'm tired or overwhelmed. And sometimes I expect recognition from my loved ones when I've achieved something that was tough for me.

OP had a tough weekend too, directly a consequence of facilitating the DH's jolly and success. Why isn't she meriting of praise from him?

Reith · 02/07/2019 08:00

She is, that was my point, that they both wanted recognition and we’re unable, in that moment, to give recognition.

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