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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hide it from my family?

60 replies

Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 18:34

I feel so embarrassed just writing this, but I’ve recently become a single mum. I have 1 child from a previous relationship who is 4 and 1 child with my ex and am 27 weeks pregnant with DD2. My eldest doesn’t see his father and my Ex raised him as his own, he knew him as his dad and didn’t know any different. Me and ex broke up as I found out that he had been cheating and seeing prostitutes throughout most of our relationship. He told me if I left him he wouldn’t have anything to do with the children, I didn’t believe him but he hasn’t seen the kids since we broke up. I’ve slowly been coming to terms with our new life and I think that considering the circumstances we’re doing really well. However, I have a family party coming up next week and this will be the first time the majority of my family hear about the breakup. Only my mum and grandma know, I’ve been trying to keep it a secret as I’ve been embarrassed. I don’t know if it’s completely irrational, but I feel like everyone will see me as a failure as a mother. So my AIBU is, would IBU to try and hide it from my family, although my DC may tell. And if IABU what can I do to stop feeling so guilty?.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 18:37

Just re-read and just to clarify. I have one DS from a previous relationship, who saw my Exp has his dad. And a 2 year old DD and pregnant with DD2 with Exp.

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 30/06/2019 18:37

I wouldn’t hide it. He is the one who cheated on you and has now decided that the best punishment he can give out because you broke it off is to not see his kids.
You are raising 2 children and currently growing a 3rd, I’m not sure what you should be embarrassed about?

blackcat86 · 30/06/2019 18:39

Don't hide it. You've done nothing wrong and given the circumstances i would hope that your family would be supportive and offer help. I'm sure this would be much needed when the baby arrives.

MrsBertBibby · 30/06/2019 18:42

Do you sneer at single mothers often? Think they are failures?

Original poster
Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 18:43

TheTrollFairy I suppose I’m just embarrassed because I feel I wasn’t good enough for him, and I feel like a rubbish mum because I let my own feelings come before my kids having a better life.

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 30/06/2019 18:43

Agree with @TheTrollFairy - you've got nothing to be embarrassed about. It's your ex that's really left you with no choice than to end the relationship for your own mental and physical health if nothing else. How horrible he's choosing to treat the kids in this way too. Flowers < For you OP.

sqeakywheel · 30/06/2019 18:44

I don't see why you need to hide it. It sounds like you have been treated really badly by your ex. It is despicable that as well as cheating on you he also tried to emotionally blackmail you into staying by threatening to disown his dcs. What an appalling man! How were you meant to know what he was like as it sounds like he told a lot of lies. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Although I can see why you wouldn't want to keep having to explain to family what went on as it must be really upsetting. 💐💐

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/06/2019 18:44

Your kids having a better life? With their dad who's now refusing to see them? Was he usually emotionally abusive and manipulative OP?

Original poster
Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 18:44

MrsBertBibby no not at all, I have a lot of respect for them. And I can rationalise with myself that my family will probably feel that way towards me, but the idea of telling them makes me feel sick because there’s something in the back of my mind telling me it’s all my fault

OP posts:
ohhelloitsyou · 30/06/2019 18:44

You’re not the failure, he is. He’s torn the family apart and now using the children to hurt you even more.
He doesn’t deserve to be called Dad.
Don’t feel you have to explain anything to anyone. It’s not party conversation really and it’s not anyone’s business.
Don’t feel like you shouldn’t tell people in case it reflects badly on you because it doesn’t. It only makes him look bad.

stucknoue · 30/06/2019 18:46

Don't be embarrassed but I do understand, I haven't told my mum yet that we are separated, but I haven't actually seen her so it's been easy to avoid. I'm watching this to get advice!

SnuggyBuggy · 30/06/2019 18:46

You can't change the past so focus on the future. It sounds like you are handling the situation as well as you can and that's all any of us can do.

sqeakywheel · 30/06/2019 18:46

Re frame it. You were faithful, he cheated. You are there and are caring for your dcs, he hasn't seen them, or I'm guessing contributed financially for his dcs. What do you have to feel embarrassed about? He wasn't enough, not you.

mbosnz · 30/06/2019 18:50

You weren't good enough for him?

Honey, he wasn't good enough for you!!

This is no reflection on your worth and value in any sort of way, let alone your parenting. I can understand you feeling embarrassed and ashamed, but please, please, every time you do - you turn that around and put the shame, guilt and embarrassment on the person that deserves it - the one who broke the family up with his selfish, callous, dishonest, and cruel actions.

You are the person who is trying to put humpty dumpty back together again, who is there for your children come what may, and who always will be. Who is loving them, providing for them, and providing continuity, stability, and security for them.

MatildaTheCat · 30/06/2019 18:51

You weren’t good enough for him?

He’s not fit to wipe your shoes on. A cheat who has abandoned his own children. He’s filth.

It will be hard to tell people but practice a few stock lines and just say, ‘I’d rather not talk about it, I’m sure you’ll understand’ if they ask intrusive questions.

Take care, you’ve had a horrible time.

AJPTaylor · 30/06/2019 18:51

Give your mum permission to tell everyone before hand. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

MatildaTheCat · 30/06/2019 18:53

And if you can’t get the words out maybe your mum could discreetly let a few people know? Stress you don’t want any gossip just the bare facts that you have split up and it is due to his behaviour. No need to elaborate if you don’t want to.

BeanoBrown · 30/06/2019 18:55

You have no need to hide it, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, none of us are perfect but being cheated on isn't a reflection of you, its a choice he made and he's showing his true colours by not seeing the children.

I can't see how your kids would be having a better life if you'd stayed with a man who cheats and goes with prostitutes?

SummerHouse · 30/06/2019 18:55

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You are making a better life for them by not being with a cheat of a man who seems to have cut your children out his life for something that is entirely his fault. You must tell your family and take any support they can give. For you and your children absolutely deserve it. Look at yourself from the outside. How many people can go through that, two kids and pregnant and be doing ok?? Not flipping many I can tell you. You are a hero and an amazing mum. I am in awe of you. Now if you can do all that you can tell your family and let them support you. Flowers

Original poster
Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 18:56

I’m just doing bath and bed time, I’ll pop in and read through after to make sure I can reply to everything properly

OP posts:
TheCrowFromBelow · 30/06/2019 18:57

Your DCs are not missing out on anything trust me. You haven’t let them down, he has and he’s let you down as well.
Get you mum to prime everyone.

PinkiOcelot · 30/06/2019 18:58

I voted YABU but only because you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong. That’s all on him!!

TheSassyAssassin · 30/06/2019 18:59

Am single mum and did struggle initially. Live in very naice village and was very embarrassed about being judged. Then one day I inadvertently was. Someone spouted off at a playgroup in front of me about the state of the country and the fact that so many kids would never amount to anything because they only had a single mother as their role model. I may have corrected her opinion (!) and realised at the same time I was not about to be ashamed because that was invalidating me and my amazing relationship with my DD. So, sod what anyone else thinks Lou. You are amazing in the eyes of your DC and theirs is the only opinion that should matter Flowers

Drum2018 · 30/06/2019 19:02

He can walk away from seeing them but you need to chase him for maintenance. He does not get to walk away from that. What a disgusting prick. I'd tell your family and let them know what a pig he is. Why would you cover for him? You will get more support from them knowing. Pretending everything is ok will stress you out.

category12 · 30/06/2019 19:05

I think the pp who said to have your mum tell everyone beforehand, then you don't have to explain anything and you don't have to pretend.

You have nothing, zero, to be ashamed of. It's all him.

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