AIBU to hide it from my family?

[Louinthelead]

I feel so embarrassed just writing this, but I’ve recently become a single mum. I have 1 child from a previous relationship who is 4 and 1 child with my ex and am 27 weeks pregnant with DD2. My eldest doesn’t see his father and my Ex raised him as his own, he knew him as his dad and didn’t know any different. Me and ex broke up as I found out that he had been cheating and seeing prostitutes throughout most of our relationship. He told me if I left him he wouldn’t have anything to do with the children, I didn’t believe him but he hasn’t seen the kids since we broke up. I’ve slowly been coming to terms with our new life and I think that considering the circumstances we’re doing really well. However, I have a family party coming up next week and this will be the first time the majority of my family hear about the breakup. Only my mum and grandma know, I’ve been trying to keep it a secret as I’ve been embarrassed. I don’t know if it’s completely irrational, but I feel like everyone will see me as a failure as a mother. So my AIBU is, would IBU to try and hide it from my family, although my DC may tell. And if IABU what can I do to stop feeling so guilty?.

Don't be embarrassed that he was a failure! Ok you can maybe feel a slight hint of pink in the cheeks at having chosen a wrong'un. Dear God I do! However his failings are not caused by me and I am not ashamed of the hard work and effort I put in as a single parent to make sure my kid gets what she needs.

I am 42, I work full time at a senior level managerial job, I keep a roof over our heads and food in our tummies, I care for a dog and a kid to gold standard level. We have fun, we are all clean, we do homework, dog gets 2 walks a day. I do bloody brilliantly I am proud fo what I do. You should be proud of you.

Telling people gets easier the more you do it. Pick a statement and stick with it .. "No, X isn't here, sadly we split up over his infidelity. The kid and I are doing great though, really enjoying 1:1 time together." Leave it at that. No need to go into detail, only rude people would ask more and you can always go with "I don't want to go into detail, I really just want to enjoy the day with you guys!"

Mine is "No, husband isn't here, we divorced earlier this year, no-one to blame - relationship had just run it's course. DD and I are doing really well though, loving spending more time 1:1 with her!"

You have done absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. I'm sure the on,y thing your family will be bothered about is not being able to support you while they didn't know.

However, i too would be dreading the occasion. I'd consider sending a message to your family beforehand, explaining what's happened and you're telling them what's happened before the get together because you don't want be overwhelmed, and you don't want your news to detract from a happy family occasion. Say you can't wait to see them cos you'll be glad for a hug, but you're managing well and you can meet them afterwards to catch up.

YABU, you have nothing to be ashamed of, all the shame lies with your ex. Sounds like you've had a very lucky escape. Tell your family and let them support and help you!

Ok so the relationship breakdown is absolutely not your fault. He cheated on you multiple times, you basically had no choice but to leave. If you had stayed you would have been both miserable and lacked dignity imo. I can understand women who stay when their husband/partner has perhaps cheated once (drunken ONS or whatever) then repented but never understood women who stay with serial cheats. You did the right thing, the strongest thing. Your ex has also shown his true colours in not seeing your DC since the split, he’s an absolute arsehole of the highest order.

Secondly, being a single Mother is nothing to be ashamed of at all. It’s 2019, not the 1950s. Nobody will look down on you, it’s actually a kind of normal thing nowadays. You have no reason to feel ashamed whatsoever. If anyone should feel ashamed it’s the guy who cheated on the Mother of his children with various prostitutes (🤮) and hasn’t bothered seeing his young children since the split!

Don't feel any shame.

If you found out a family member had been cheated on with prostitutes how would you feel about them?

Would you judge them harshly?
Would you think they were failures?...

Of course not. You would be kind and they will be kind. X

I’ve just read through it all and I just want to say thank you so much everyone. You’ve given me so much strength. I’ve called the doctors and asked for some counselling that will be arranged, I’ve also come to the conclusion that I was being emotionally abused by him so I’m going to see if I can get any counselling or any services through women’s aid. I’m going to contact him later about child maintenance.

I’ve texted the family group chat and told them everything about why we broke up and just said that I thought I’d let everyone know I’m advance before the party. It’s gone a lot better than I expected, a few cousins have offered to have the kids if I need any help and my uncle has offered to pay for us all to have a holiday away in the summer.

@Louinthelead awww and take that support from them aswell!

You haven't done anything wrong. I understand the feeling because I'm a second time single mum in bad circumstances. Unfortunately judgement is still rife. Just see the tax credits for 3rd children thread recently. But, you don't need to listen to people who have no idea what they are talking about. Hopefully though your family and friends will be supportive not judgemental.

Well done for the whatsapp sharing ...positive step and good to get it done. Sounds like your family have immediately stepped in and been supportive .

I predict lots of hugs for you at the party !

Aww what nice offers. Well done op.