Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hide it from my family?

60 replies

Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 18:34

I feel so embarrassed just writing this, but I’ve recently become a single mum. I have 1 child from a previous relationship who is 4 and 1 child with my ex and am 27 weeks pregnant with DD2. My eldest doesn’t see his father and my Ex raised him as his own, he knew him as his dad and didn’t know any different. Me and ex broke up as I found out that he had been cheating and seeing prostitutes throughout most of our relationship. He told me if I left him he wouldn’t have anything to do with the children, I didn’t believe him but he hasn’t seen the kids since we broke up. I’ve slowly been coming to terms with our new life and I think that considering the circumstances we’re doing really well. However, I have a family party coming up next week and this will be the first time the majority of my family hear about the breakup. Only my mum and grandma know, I’ve been trying to keep it a secret as I’ve been embarrassed. I don’t know if it’s completely irrational, but I feel like everyone will see me as a failure as a mother. So my AIBU is, would IBU to try and hide it from my family, although my DC may tell. And if IABU what can I do to stop feeling so guilty?.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 30/06/2019 19:06

something in the back of my mind telling me it's all my fault
You know what that something is? His voice.

There are two sorts of people in this world- good people, who sometimes make mistakes and plain old rotten people. And sometimes rotten people do rotten things and we excuse them because we make the mistake of thinking that they are good people who have just made a mistake. You know how you tell the difference? There are certain things that normal, decent people would just never say or do.

For example, a decent human being would never threaten to abandon his children in order to co-erce his partner into doing what they wanted. Normal people don't do that, straight up EVIL people do. And another thing they like to do is to make us think we are somehow to blame for their shitty actions. You aren't.

You are a decent human being, try to do what is right by her children. And he, is a beast. No, less than a beast. A monster. And you should actually be proud of the fact that you have got shot of that horrible monster from your lives. And you should make damn sure that everyone around knows what he really was, so that he cant ever try to worm his way back in.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. No one could have been enough for him because his sort are like a cup with a hole and can never be filled by you or anyone else. All they do is take.

SpitefulBreasts · 30/06/2019 19:07

Louinthelead
You've really got this the wrong way around. Your ex is the one who cheated, not you, he's the one who's not good enough. He's the one who decided to be unfaithful and he's the one that's in the wrong, not you.
If you'd stayed your children would have learned that men can treat women like dirt and women should just put up with crappy behaviour.
You've been really brave so have a word with the back of your mind. It's not your fault.
I agree with pp suggesting that you ask your mum to discreetly spread the news.

MrsHass · 30/06/2019 19:10

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. The shame is is all his.

Ninkaninus · 30/06/2019 19:12

WTAF, you weren’t good enough for ^him??

You’re a failure as a mother because you have self-respect and didn’t want to be with someone who pays for sex, lies to you, cheats on you, potentially exposes you (and your unborn child) to sexually transmitted diseases, and doesn’t give a flying fuck about his child and stepchild??

You need to sort out the screwed-up ideas in your head.

Flowers You’ve absolutely done the right thing. But seriously, people who sneer and judge you or your circumstances based on what you’ve told us here, are really not worth worrying about.

Giraffecantdanse · 30/06/2019 19:12

I voted yanbu as it's really your choice, but I think you should let them know. The advice in this thread is really good. Reframe the story, keep your head up high; you have nothing to be ashamed of. Flowers

PositiveVibez · 30/06/2019 19:17

The embarrassment is not yours to shoulder!!

He got caught using and abusing and paying for sex with other women.

I would be telling anyone who mattered to me that this is what has happened and also that he tried to blackmail you sayi g he would not see the kids if you left.

What a disgusting creature and you can hold your head high. Sounds like the kids are better of without that horrific excuse of a human being.

Lalliella · 30/06/2019 19:18

Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed or not good enough or a failure. You’re none of these things. You’re amazing to do what you’re doing, bringing your kids up on your own and not relying on this lowlife. You did the best thing for your little family by getting rid of him and you should be proud. Agree with PPs who’ve said to get your mum to tell your family. And go into that party with your head held high you superwoman you Flowers

2strands · 30/06/2019 19:19

Why do you feel embarrassed that he's a cheating prick? He's the one will be mortified when it gets out he's been cheating on his pregnant partner with prostitutes.

He's the one who's done wrong, not you.

sincethereis · 30/06/2019 19:20

you shouldn’t feel embarrassed at all. I get why you feel like that. It’s your second time being a single mom.

However, at the end of the day you haven’t done anything wrong
He’s the one whose cheated on you and left his child with you and a child who isn’t his but he helped raised.

sevenoftwelve · 30/06/2019 19:21

So you can learn about healthy relationships: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Coercion isn't normal in relationships.

You seem to have a very low opinion of yourself, which is sad. I also had the same thought as pp who suggested it was his voice in your head.

Yesicancancan · 30/06/2019 19:24

You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about.
He wasn’t good enough for you !
Sleeping with prostitutes... he likes to be control I think.
Tell them in your own time. Could be intense telling everyone together or something to get over and down with.
Well done, you shouldn’t be putting up with his selfish behaviour.
I think you should get tested for sti.

Bowerbird5 · 30/06/2019 19:24

He was the failure not you.

I bet the family rally around you and give you support.
You’re holding your family together and have kept going and that is what is important. If one of my nieces had someone do that my heart would go out to her and I would try and support her.
I hope all goes well with your pregnancy and the birth.

Kaddm · 30/06/2019 19:31

Why don’t you just say “I found out that he was seeing prostitutes so I threw him out”
There’s no shame for you, it’s all for him.

darthbreakz · 30/06/2019 19:34

He sounds like an ass. Anyone who would regularly see prositutes and then refuses to see his kids when the relationship breaks down because of his fuckery is a garden variety "piece of work".

You're getting a lucky escape by the sounds of it.

Also, you left him because - read this and reread it - HE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! And he wasn't. Good for you.

Get some therapy and find out why you've had two relationships with men whose behaviour is beneath you and move on with your awesome life.

And wear it as a badge of pride that you wouldn't put up with this shit!

Rainonmyguitar · 30/06/2019 19:34

If I were you I'd be telling the family exactly why you've split with him. When my ex cheated on me and left me as a single mother, I had no hesitation in telling people. It's his shame, not yours.

GreenTulips · 30/06/2019 19:39

My mother was a single mom to 4 (our father disappeared) I don’t view her as a failure - she was the one who worked hard put us to bed fed and clothed us read stories made us laugh and joined in with our dancing - she came to sports days and make dress up clothes brought and wrapped presents, have us a hug and stood in our corner when things went wrong.

We didn’t have a lot but we had each other and I wouldn’t change it for the world. His loss her gain.

Original poster
Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 19:48

Just read through everything. Thank you so much everyone. You’re right, I’ve got quite low self esteem, being a single mum for the second time doesn’t help with that. Like you’ve all said though, he is the one who did something wrong and not me. I’m just going to keep repeating that to myself.

To answer some questions, he was quite manipulative in some ways but if I brought it up he’d have a go at me and say that I was basically saying he was emotionally abusing me and if I thought that I should leave.

I think I will just tell everyone the truth, you’ve all made me realise that it was his fault and not mine.

Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 30/06/2019 19:52

Again - you are not the failure he is! You have morals and standards. He put on a good show when he had his own way and now is treating your kids like crap because he isn't. That is not a good Dad.
A good Dad is there in the bad times not just the good. And certainly doesn't disrespect the mother (and all women) by using sex workers - and I doubt they were high end "belle de jour" types...
That is not someone your DC need in their lives, especially if he just sees them as weapons to be used against you.
I would be inclined to "confide" in the biggest gossip in the family - so that most people know by the time of the party.

You might want to take some time to work on your self-esteem and boundaries, maybe try the Freedom programme or counselling. But grow to value yourself and not to settle, before you date again.
But you are a great Mum. Flowers

Original poster
Louinthelead · 30/06/2019 20:03

@MollyButton Thank you. I definitely won’t be settling down any time soon, or even looking to date for a good few years. I want to take some time now to focus on me and my children, they need stability in their lives and at the minute I’m the only person who can guarantee them that

OP posts:
darthbreakz · 01/07/2019 10:05

He was emotionally abusing you.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/07/2019 10:09

I clicked YABU because you shouldn't be embarrassed. He should be.

If you were a family member of mine, I wouldn't judge you at all however I would judge him. I would also want to offer you my support and be there for you if you needed me.

You've done nothing wrong at all, in fact you walked away from him. You put you and your DC first. Tell your family, let them support you and move on with your life.

I wish you all the best.

HiJenny35 · 01/07/2019 10:12

This isn't about him, you've got nothing to feel ashamed about but this is about you, what do you want. I wouldn't care about people knowing however if people know everyone is going to feel like they need to address it with you, just to say "hope you are doing ok, do you need anything, sorry" it's a party, your chance to forget the situation and have a nice time, do you really want to have that all night. I'd be tempted to just go and enjoy myself and if anyone asked just say "he's not here tonight" and change the subject. No because it's at all your fault but because it's your chance to forget it and not repeat the story.

BarbedBloom · 01/07/2019 10:13

YABU because it is not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of, he does. It isn't always better for children to have their father around, trust me on that, they will be fine and so will you Flowers

MumW · 01/07/2019 10:21

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your partner cheating on you does not make you a bad mother, it makes him a crap partner and him not being involved with his children makes him a crap father.

Hold your head up high and tell your family you discovered that he was cheating on you during your whole relationship and you've thrown him out. I think you'd be better off telling the family before the party so that you don't have to spend the time explaining why he isn't with you.

If you haven't already done so, make sure you are getting maintenance from him.

See if you can get some counselling and work on your self confidence. Show him that you don't need an areshole like him in your life.

Flowers Go and enjoy the party with the people that really love you. Wine

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/07/2019 10:33

I feel like a rubbish mum because I let my own feelings come before my kids having a better life

But it wasn’t going to be a better life.

You have taught your children a valuable lesson for the future.
You treat your wife/gf right and you can live a happy life
And for your dds it is teaching them that they shouldn’t take shit from anyone.

And for all of your children that actions have consequences.

There was no point in staying because of the children. They would see through the unhappiness and it would wreck their childhood to live in a home where their parents hated each other

Swipe left for the next trending thread