Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think in-laws suggestion is crazy

102 replies

IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 21:25

We (DH, DS7 and me) will be going to see them for two weeks in December. It's a 12 hrs flight, 7hr difference (it is relevant).
We would stay one/two days in their home city and then the plan was to all go to the coast to spend Christmas there, where one of DH's friends will be too. It should be a 2hr flight.

They now suggested DH could drive instead. It's a 10hr drive. Not a big deal allegedly, as we could do it overnight Confused

DH feels bad because they are usually happy to go along with our suggestions, so thinks we should just accept, but AIBU to think this is way too inconvenient? Plus, I do not understand what is the reason behind it (they haven't said)

OP posts:
mellicauli · 30/06/2019 00:41

You might want to be a bit tactful here.

I too found it a bit incomprehensible why my parents no longer wanted to get on a flight. It took a bit of delicate enquiry to work out that the idea of being stuck in your seat for an unspecified amount of time unable to go to the loo when they wanted to was not something that was going to work for them any more.

You may have to consider an alternative plan and just realise they have their reasons.

Knitclubchatter · 30/06/2019 00:46

not sure where this travel is but if to north america winter travel (car/roads) are very dangerous and not recommended.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/06/2019 01:10

@strawberriesandrosepetals - I would love to help, but I do not drive!

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/06/2019 01:13

@mellicauli - I do not think that's the reason. As I said they have visited recently and were perfectly happy to fly for 12hs

OP posts:
managedmis · 30/06/2019 01:13

Just to confirm : your DH drives you and MIL and FIL also?

managedmis · 30/06/2019 01:16

The reason why I find it so difficult to ask them, is because they will never say what they really mean, but what they think you want them to say. Or back down all together

^

This is my parents.

Five years later we found out that they'd have really preferred the Hilton to the boutique hotel we booked for them. Did they say so at the time? Nah

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/06/2019 01:21

@managedmis - yes, the suggestion was that DH would drive their car, and we would all go together: DS, MIL, FIL (who is not DH's father to be precise) and me.

Just to add - MIL does not drive. He does but not long distances.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/06/2019 01:26

@managedmis - it's really annoying isn't it?
With them is this constant - oh, don't you worry, it's fine.
I do not worry, just bloody tell me what you prefer!

OP posts:
managedmis · 30/06/2019 01:34

So that's easy then.

They save money and get driven.

It's easier for them if your DH drives for ten hours (only after a longhaul flight, probably with a hearty dose of with jetlag) Confused

And they want him to drive overnight! Sounds greeaaattt!

Don't do it!

managedmis · 30/06/2019 01:35

With them is this constant - oh, don't you worry, it's fine.
I do not worry, just bloody tell me what you prefer!

^

Again, my parents.

What do you want to eat?

We don't mind.

OK, let's have pizza!

Oh. No, we'd prefer Chinese

Confused

Wtaf

mathanxiety · 30/06/2019 01:53

So if I say - PIL why would you want to drive instead of flying? The most likely answer will be: Oh, Porcupine, don't worry, if you prefer to fly, it's OK, we can do what you want.

So take that and run with it.

Don't waste time thinking about it.

Fwiw, I once drove 14 hours both ways, and used to do 9 hours with DCs in the car for Christmas at the ILs (9 there and 9 back). Plus trips to the Rockies that took two days in the car/four days total off the total duration of the holiday. There is no way I would do it with jet lag, and if your destination is to the US west and the ten hour drive is over mountain passes in winter then your ILs may well have a death wish.

Don't do it. Buy airline tickets for the entire party if necessary.

SeaToSki · 30/06/2019 01:59

If they will fold at the drop of a hat, then call them back and say that

A... you think you should all fly because it will be easier on them, less time travelling because a 10 hr drive will be a 14 hr total trip by the time loos, meals and DH needing a break if factored in

Or

B....you wouldnt want to tell him directly, but you are not sure DH is up to that kind of lengthy drive any ore as he is starting to get a bit older, can they help you out and say they want to fly so that DH doesnt feel emasculated

Or

C...DC has started to get travel sick in cars and you dont think they would like to travel with him maybe vomiting and dizzy for hours, but dc is embarrassed so dont mention it ever

omafiet · 30/06/2019 04:10

*@omafiet - well, yes, I could do that and solve this problem... and let them add this instance to the list of 'when Porcupine was being difficult' situations

Disclaimer - we get on very well and I love my MIL*

Honestly, I can't understand why you're making such a meal of this. Tell them you'd rather fly. If you "get on very well and love [your] MIL" this needn't be such a drama.

JMoore · 30/06/2019 06:45

Sounds completely insane to me. Your DH will be jetlagged from the flight over. Then he will doubly tired from the drive (an overnight drive will mess further with his sleep cycle), so won't get to enjoy the days you are at your destination much. And then he has to do the same drive back! That sort of thing is outright dangerous.

Plus, I don't know what sort of car your in-laws drive, but five people plus luggage in a normal car sounds absolutely miserable to me. So unless the have a seriously big people carrier or a minibus or something like that, that would already be reason enough for me to refuse to even consider this.

PonderingPanda · 30/06/2019 06:54

OP - what are you going to do?

MrsDimmond · 30/06/2019 17:38

Having previously said I can't imagine why they would want your DH to drive, it's just occurred to me, is it that they want access to the car whilst you're all there?

It's still a big fat no, but might that be why?

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/06/2019 18:11

@MrsDimmond - yes I think that might be one of the reasons. It is possible that we might end up renting a car while there, but still I do not think it is worth the hassle. Unless we were all terribly skint, which is not the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/06/2019 18:13

@omafiet - you are right, it should not be a drama. As I said before, the reason why it upset me was because I ended up arguing with DH about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/06/2019 18:17

@PonderingPanda - thanks for asking. It's been resolved now. DH had a proper look at the distance involved and the price of the flights and agreed that it was far too long/dangerous/inconvenient.

Still not sure why he got annoyed with me yesterday, but hey, that's for another thread! Hmm

OP posts:
PettyContractor · 30/06/2019 18:43

I see it's resolved now, but yes, I agree with

Driving overnight when you're already tired and will be the only driver is a good way to kill everyone in the car.

I was nudged into a similar journey, as a last-minute change of plan, when I was young and less wise. Set off at 11pm, car written off at 4.30am, hitting a crash barrier on the wrong side of the road. Which means it could easily have been a head-on crash at a combined speed of 120mph, if we'd drifted across the oncoming lane when there was a car in it. Lucky no-one died, and only one hospitalised.

MrsDimmond · 30/06/2019 18:45

Glad it's resolved!

Stuckforthefourthtime · 30/06/2019 18:48

God no. Short trip, overnight drive when extremely jet lagged. At best it will be miserable and a job for your DH, at worst extremely dangerous.

PonderingPanda · 30/06/2019 18:50

Phew!

I suspect DH was cross as deep down he'd already had doubts about the journey and wanted you to reassure him that it would be fine.... so when you didn't it made him cross as he knew he'd need to resolve it

justilou1 · 01/07/2019 03:44

Why is it always up to us to try and resolve shit like this AND be the bad guy as a result?!?!

HigaDequasLuoff · 01/07/2019 04:39

Glad to hear it's resolved.

The fact that when you are concerned about the sanity of an idea, your feelings are dismissed and minimised and wheedled against, but when DH looks at the facts and makes a (manly?) decision then that is accepted - suggests a very unhealthy family dynamic. The fact that this issue is resolved wouldn't be the end of it, for me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread