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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think in-laws suggestion is crazy

102 replies

IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 21:25

We (DH, DS7 and me) will be going to see them for two weeks in December. It's a 12 hrs flight, 7hr difference (it is relevant).
We would stay one/two days in their home city and then the plan was to all go to the coast to spend Christmas there, where one of DH's friends will be too. It should be a 2hr flight.

They now suggested DH could drive instead. It's a 10hr drive. Not a big deal allegedly, as we could do it overnight Confused

DH feels bad because they are usually happy to go along with our suggestions, so thinks we should just accept, but AIBU to think this is way too inconvenient? Plus, I do not understand what is the reason behind it (they haven't said)

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 22:53

Thanks anothernotherone
You are absolutely correct, all that was said today and that was exactly how I felt.

Why could I not see it so clearly then?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 29/06/2019 22:56

I think you need to ask them why.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 22:57

@PeoniesarePink - we are flying to DH's home city, then going for a mini break at the coast, then back for another 8-10 days, so, no, we could not meet them there.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 22:57

And yes, it would be 10hr back as well

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 29/06/2019 22:58

YABU for not bothering to find out the reason for them preferring your DH to drive rather than take flights. Why come on here when you could just communicate with them?

Just ask the question.

greenlynx · 29/06/2019 22:58

It’s very dangerous idea. I agree that they don’t have a say as no one of them is driving but your DH probably too nice and polite to see it like this and not the type easily saying “no” to his parents. Also his first reaction was that of course, he can do this! He can do everything! My DH often reacts like this at the very first moment.
I would leave him to think about this at least overnight. Hopefully he will see that it’s a big hassle and with stops and possible traffic jams could eat up nearly the whole day of your trip.

Quartz2208 · 29/06/2019 22:58

This is very much a cultural thing I think. In the UK we consider driving 10 hours madness (afterall we cant actually do it). But in the US/Canada they think nothing of it because that distance is small to them

SagAloojah · 29/06/2019 23:02

Quartz in that case they should offer to drive themselves

FunnysInLaJardin · 29/06/2019 23:02

a 10 hr drive while doable is utterly miserable with or without jet lag. We have done plenty and have enjoyed none, in fact last 2 times we have split a 12 hour into two 6 hours with an overnight stop, which was enough in itself.

Don't do it!

justilou1 · 29/06/2019 23:02

At that time of year, you can add on a few extra hours to the drive with traffic too...

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 23:08

YABU for not bothering to find out the reason for them preferring your DH to drive rather than take flights. Why come on here when you could just communicate with them?

I agree.
The reason why I find it so difficult to ask them, is because they will never say what they really mean, but what they think you want them to say. Or back down all together

So if I say - PIL why would you want to drive instead of flying? The most likely answer will be: Oh, Porcupine, don't worry, if you prefer to fly, it's OK, we can do what you want.

OP posts:
omafiet · 29/06/2019 23:08

I think if there was more than one driver it wouldn't be too bad - but as a previous poster pointed out, it doesn't seem that far to me as I'm in the US. Currently on our way home from a road trip with 3 kids (12 hours each way).

omafiet · 29/06/2019 23:09

So if I say - PIL why would you want to drive instead of flying? The most likely answer will be: Oh, Porcupine, don't worry, if you prefer to fly, it's OK, we can do what you want.

So...problem solved, then, surely?

Soconfusedandlost · 29/06/2019 23:16

How about you and DC fly and DH and the in laws meet you there? He's been nice and supported his parents, they've had their delightful 10hr minimum incarceration and you'll probably havr had a nice nap by the time they get there.

Compromise sarcasm

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 23:20

@greenlynx
Also his first reaction was that of course, he can do this! He can do everything!

Yep, you are very correct!

OP posts:
cavalier · 29/06/2019 23:25

Car journeys over night are all very well but if you’ve had no rest before hand ... the hours of between 1am and 4am In the morning are the most vulnerable for feeling asleep suddenly at the wheel ..I know a lady this happened to and she was nearly home and crashed ... very lucky she wasn’t going any faster .. the other car was parked and empty .. she had not been drinking
Just putting it out there ...

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 29/06/2019 23:26

@Soconfusedandlost - I did think of that!

@omafiet - well, yes, I could do that and solve this problem... and let them add this instance to the list of 'when Porcupine was being difficult' situations

Disclaimer - we get on very well and I love my MIL

OP posts:
Lemonlady22 · 29/06/2019 23:30

all depends where it is....10 hours in the US....maybe or 10 hours in SA....definately not

Pipandmum · 29/06/2019 23:36

Is it an internal flight? Surely it’s not the same as flying out of the country.
As your husband would be doing the driving and you know your child it should be the decision between you two. I wouldn’t do it - my son was just driven back to UK from Spain thru France and said it was the absolute worse part of the trip.

dreichuplands · 29/06/2019 23:37

The 10 hour drive isn't a big deal. A 10 hour drive with 1 driver after a 12 hour flight with jet lag sounds utterly miserable
This.
Long drives are usual in many countries but not unrested with jet lag. We often take road trip holidays in the US for fun but we wouldn't do this. You also lose a lot of your holiday.

RonnieScotts · 29/06/2019 23:47

They expect DH to spend 1/6 of his holiday driving. Bonkers.

Mascarponeandwine · 30/06/2019 00:09

well, yes, I could do that and solve this problem... and let them add this instance to the list of 'when Porcupine was being difficult' situations

They probably know they’re the ones being difficult, so are deflecting the guilt by passing the responsibility for the decision onto you.

If me “being difficult” was brought up I’d just lightly say “just trying to keep us all alive MIL” with a big smile “now who’s for a cup of tea”.

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/06/2019 00:16

I'd just tell them straight - "that doesn't work for us" and go ahead with booking your plane tickets.
They cab buy their own unless they want to disclose issues?

I wonder if this is some sort of passive aggressive act on the in-laws part?
Maybe they're secretly not happy with you spending 'only' 2 days with them before joining wider family/friends?
10 hours of driving will take more recovery time than a 7 hour flight.
So that's 1 day lost to driving and another day or so to recover from it before you can have the energy to fully participate with people/activities etc
Then it will be an 'early night' before you spend another whole day of your holidays driving. Then the recovery timer at the end of that.
The means you'll be spending the best part of a week driving and recovering from it.
Happy holidays to you eh?

Weenurse · 30/06/2019 00:18

We often chose to drive this distance instead of fly so that we have a car to use at the other end.
Difference is we all drive so take it in turns. plus we are leaving from home, not After a long flight to a different time zone with jet lag.
Too dangerous.

strawberriesandrosepetals · 30/06/2019 00:27

People have said not sure why your in laws can't share the driving. Is there any reason you can't? I just mean, you think it's harsh to expect him to do it all but haven't offered to help yourself.

I do agree with you on preferring the plane. I just wondered.

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