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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut off my lazy teen's allowance unless he goes to the gym?

60 replies

HitAndHiss · 29/06/2019 10:13

He is 16 next week. He does no exercise. Doesn't do PE at school and all his friends live nearby so doesn't do much walking and school is literally across the road. He is quite overweight (a fair few stone) and whinges about it constantly. He'd like a girlfriend and sulks because he can't get one. Yet he doesn't do anything about it. He has a takeaway every other night if not every night with his mates, they all put money to it and there's loads of them so it's practically free.

Me and DD17 go to the local gym a couple of times a week (not together). I suggested DS joining as well as he'd also get a discount. He scoffed at the idea of going to the same gym as us but said he'd join the one in the next town over which is a short tram ride away, so I said okay. He went a grand total of once in April and I've been paying the monthly fee since, not out of his allowance. He keeps saying "I'll go next week!". Never does, but when I threaten to cancel the membership I get a sob story about how all his mates take the piss and he'll never get a girlfriend and how I can't cancel it. He is a pain in the arse.

I don't really want to cancel the membership as I can see he wants to get fit etc and he doesn't want me to cancel it either, it's just about getting him to go. I've suggested him taking a mate and got an eye roll. DH thinks we should cut off his allowance (30 a month) unless he goes once a week, 4 times a month. The gym he is signed up to is good as you can log in the website and it shows when he's there and how often he's been, so he won't be able to lie to us about going. I'm inclined to agree with DH as it also stops him getting as many takeaway if he doesn't go. I'm sure his mates won't be keen to pay for him/give him bits of theirs after they've all contributed.

OP posts:

Queenioqueenio · 29/06/2019 10:18

Yess do it. Take away every day will be incredibly bad for him.
I’d cancel his gym membership and sign him upto yours too, as it sounds like he’s got no motivation to get to the one a tram ride away. What does it matter if it’s the same gym as you? You can all go independently surely?

VeryImportantTests · 29/06/2019 10:19

If he doesn’t want to exercise then a fancy gym membership isn’t going to change that. It’s a pure waste of money. Ask me how I know...

DisputedChair · 29/06/2019 10:20

As you’re probably aware, exercise is a very minimal part of losing weight for the average person, though — it’s about 90% diet. His problem is what and how much he’s eating. Are you funding the nightly takeaways?

Original poster

HitAndHiss · 29/06/2019 10:21

VeryImportantTests See he goes on and on about how he wants to go to this gym and talks about all the machines he's planning on using but then as he's about to go he changes his mimd.

OP posts:

DuploTower · 29/06/2019 10:21

Why does he need an allowance? can't he earn some money

whatsnormalanyway · 29/06/2019 10:23

I don't have the answers, but as someone who has always loathed enforced exercise, being coerced into the gym would have the opposite effect on me. Lots of people don't enjoy the gym. And could he not just go but then doss and not doing anything much while there? I used to have a friend who went to the gym in sixth form just to chat to her friends and flirt, never touched the exercise equipment!

I would hazard the big issue is his diet. He's not even 16 yet, so I think you need to ahem, exercise, your parental control and stop him having takeaways (even if it means not seeing his friends so often... Which I realise might be harder during the holidays). No one should be eating that much junk. Presumably he has a sensible family meal with you too, so not only is he scarfing crap, he's doing it on top have already eaten?

The consensus seems to be weight loss is approx 80% diet and 20% exercise. At the moment your son has a poor attitude to both but going to the gym won't fix it all. Also, if someone doesn't enjoy a type of exercise they won't commit. There's so many ways to keep fit - walking, running, dance, climbing, swimming, HIT classes etc, maybe better to try and find something that suits him and then support. He could even do YouTube work outs at home - that way you know he's done it, and it's free, and he's not hanging out with his mates eating junk.

DuploTower · 29/06/2019 10:24

Gym won't really help to lose much weight if he's still eating too much junk. A broader lifestyle change and a new attitude will do that.

Let him get a job, get out in the world. He might even find a girlfriend

Queenioqueenio · 29/06/2019 10:26

Gym ( or exercise) is very important for mind set and then toning up IMO.
My teen DS was overweight from eating crap with his friends, we joined the gym to help him exercise as mates were taking the piss as his uniform was too tight etc. He has only lost a couple of on but The difference in 2 months has been amazing, regular shirts fit him, and he can wear skinny pants without them being like leggings. He’s also building muscles in his arms, shoulders & calves. Previously he was dug into his xbox for hours on end. I would keep encouraging the gym too OP - but he must stop the take seats.

Ylvamoon · 29/06/2019 10:27

At age 16 I would expect him to take responsibility for himself. So yes cut him off ... I would even cancel the gym (as he won't be going anyway). I am sure he will find ways to have his junk food. This is something that is difficult to monitor.
On a serious note, he sounds unmotivated (depressed). It's up to you with the sanctions to teach him how to get them back and take responsibility for his wellbeing.

Original poster

HitAndHiss · 29/06/2019 10:27

DisputedChair Oh absolutely, but he also talks about wanting to build muscle and get lean etc. And me and DH also hoped that going to the gym would make him more aware of his eating habits and he'd limit his junk food to reach his goals. If you'd heard him talk about it then you'd think he sounded really motivated. But it's all talk and no action.

He pays for the takeaways out of his 30 a month. Usually he ends up paying less than a fiver as they all contribute. Maybe nightly is an exagerration but it's several times a week.

OP posts:

Queenioqueenio · 29/06/2019 10:28

Sorry should say he only lost a couple of lb but the difference is amazing ( as exercise has really toned him up)

SpinsterOfArts · 29/06/2019 10:28

Don't cut off his allowance. Tell him that if he doesn't use the gym, you won't keep paying the membership fee. That's sensible.

At this age he needs to exercise because he wants to, not because he'll be punished for not doing it. If he's unhappy about being overweight, then you can facilitate changes but he has to be the one to make them.

Whisky2014 · 29/06/2019 10:30

He should to the gym with a friend.

CalmConfident · 29/06/2019 10:33

How about a few personal training sessions to get him "kick started" and get that confidence boost of initial success. Might also be a useful wsy to introduce another positive influence who can talk food, exercise and commitment. I always worked way harder with PT than on my own in gym.

Also...look into parkrun 😃

Nautiloid · 29/06/2019 10:33

Have you asked him why he's changed his mind? That and the fact he doesn't want to go to the same one as you and DD suggest the possibility he's embarrassed about how he feels when he's there. Perhaps a more solitary pursuit to start with. Cycling if there's anywhere decent near you? Walking?

Nautiloid · 29/06/2019 10:34

Oh and good idea there re some personal training sessions, if you find the right trainer.

tigerseye10 · 29/06/2019 10:35

Cancelling the gym membership that's a tram ride away and setting him up at yours is a good option, as it's probably too much of a faff to go. New gym = new start in many ways. Just don't ask him to go at the same time as you, a self conscious teen really doesn't want to go to the gym with his mum...

If he doesn't start using it though, cancel it. He needs to learn people won't hand out free money for long....

healthquery · 29/06/2019 10:39

Is it a confidence thing that's stopping him? Going into a gym full of fit people as an overweight person can be quite daunting, especially if you're not sure how to use the machines properly. Has he had a proper induction where they show him how to use everything? Has he got proper clothes he can wear and feel comfortable in? Has he got a way of listening to his own music whilst working out? How about a personal training session or two to get him started? They could really help with finding out the best exercises for him to be doing and could really help with his confidence in there

GruciusMalfoy · 29/06/2019 10:40

Is he anxious or embarrassed about going? The fqctbhe gets himself geared up to go, and then doesn't at the last minute would make me think he's struggling with confidence in himself. Has he any friends who wouldn't take the piss if he asked them to go with him?

I agree with PP in that exercise once a week isn't going to make a huge difference to his weight if he's still eating crap. But it may help him mentally, which is as important.

BarbarianMum · 29/06/2019 10:40

If the OP was posting about her dd being overweight, would everybody be telling her to punish her into compliance I wonder? I think not.

OP cancel the gym subscription because he's not using it. Other than that, he sounds miserable which is never a good basis for changing your life. Stop cataloguing his failings and try and work out what the underlying problems actually are. Where's his dad in all this?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 29/06/2019 10:40

I would get him a health assessment where they do basic blood, lung capacity and body fat analysis. I get it every year at work and a couple of years ago I had been having takeaway a couple of times a week fairly regularly and whilst I wasn't any heavier or noticeably fatter my cholesterol levels were shocking. Maybe he needs a visual shock as to his body's health.

I would cancel the other gym membership without a doubt though and swap him onto your gym one. Why should you lose more money?! He can go at different times to you and if your gym also has classes included then he has a choice of things to go and try.

Tbh I would be cutting his allowance. Not to zero but at 16 I was told that my parents would fund basics-toiletries, clothes for school etc but if I wanted CDs (showing my age), jewellery, magazines etc then I would have to find the money. I got a weekend job by the time I was 17. I would suggest if he wants takeaways and whatever else that he starts looking for ways to fund them himself. It's not being mean, it's setting him up to be financially independent.

If he wants muscles then he's going to have to massively increase his protein intake and cut fat waaaay down, goodbye takeaways.

GruciusMalfoy · 29/06/2019 10:41

The fact that he gets himself*

Seniorschoolmum · 29/06/2019 10:43

Op, you could scrap the gym & give him his allowance when he’s washed both your cars each weekend ( basic stretching and moving) in the privacy of your drive.
Buy him & his dad bikes and find a local canal to cycle along. Make him walk the dog (by going with him to begin with).

Start with the basics. And stop the takeaways.

Pinkfinkle · 29/06/2019 10:45

I’d cancel it and I’d also be dropping him off at the gym myself if I were you then he really can’t make excuses.

VivienneHolt · 29/06/2019 10:47

The gym isn’t going to make much difference to his weight, because weight loss has far more to do with diet than exercise. One takeaway per week would absolutely torpedo one gym visit per week.

That said, exercise is very good for mental health and can help you stay accountable to your diet so it is worth encouraging. He obviously doesn’t enjoy the gym so would it be worth exploring other things he might prefer? Would he walk / cycle / swim / try couch to 5k / rock climb / lift weights etc instead?

I would drop the gym membership tbh - he isn’t using it, and even if he went once per week it wouldn’t help with his weight. He needs to understand that it’s his diet which is the problem there.

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