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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cut off my lazy teen's allowance unless he goes to the gym?

60 replies

HitAndHiss · 29/06/2019 10:13

He is 16 next week. He does no exercise. Doesn't do PE at school and all his friends live nearby so doesn't do much walking and school is literally across the road. He is quite overweight (a fair few stone) and whinges about it constantly. He'd like a girlfriend and sulks because he can't get one. Yet he doesn't do anything about it. He has a takeaway every other night if not every night with his mates, they all put money to it and there's loads of them so it's practically free.

Me and DD17 go to the local gym a couple of times a week (not together). I suggested DS joining as well as he'd also get a discount. He scoffed at the idea of going to the same gym as us but said he'd join the one in the next town over which is a short tram ride away, so I said okay. He went a grand total of once in April and I've been paying the monthly fee since, not out of his allowance. He keeps saying "I'll go next week!". Never does, but when I threaten to cancel the membership I get a sob story about how all his mates take the piss and he'll never get a girlfriend and how I can't cancel it. He is a pain in the arse.

I don't really want to cancel the membership as I can see he wants to get fit etc and he doesn't want me to cancel it either, it's just about getting him to go. I've suggested him taking a mate and got an eye roll. DH thinks we should cut off his allowance (30 a month) unless he goes once a week, 4 times a month. The gym he is signed up to is good as you can log in the website and it shows when he's there and how often he's been, so he won't be able to lie to us about going. I'm inclined to agree with DH as it also stops him getting as many takeaway if he doesn't go. I'm sure his mates won't be keen to pay for him/give him bits of theirs after they've all contributed.

OP posts:
AgnesNutterWitch · 29/06/2019 11:29

A positive role model that he can personally identify with might also help, there are lots of youtube channels devoted to exercise and strength training

@whosorrynow that is a really good idea.

bridgetreilly · 29/06/2019 11:32

Right, well since he mostly uses his allowance to pay for takeaways and that is the major cause of the problem, cut the allowance. I wouldn't cut it to nothing, but I wouldn't give him more than £10/month to include stationery, toiletries etc.

And since he needs motivation to get to the gym, I would institute a rewards system. If he goes three times a week for a month he gets some additional privilege - maybe money towards driving lessons for when he is 17?

happybunny007 · 29/06/2019 11:33

I can’t believe that some people are suggesting personal training sessions in response to this!

LittleGwyneth · 29/06/2019 11:39

I'm really shocked by the replies here.

Being overweight as a teenager is hard and painful and comes with a heavy helping of shame. Being punished (and taking away his allowance is a punishment) for not being able to eat as much as his mates can without gaining weight is horrible.

If you make food and exercise into a battle ground now then they will be demons that he has to fight for the rest of his life. Please don't act like he's doing something morally wrong by not enjoying the gym or by wanting to eat food designed to taste great.

He will find his own way if you allow him to and provide a supportive environment. If you turn it into a source of conflict you will make things worse.

Maybe buy some books on intuitive eating and the gentle parenting book on food - it's aimed at parents of younger kids but its great on the basics.

LittleGwyneth · 29/06/2019 11:43

Also, have you considered asking him to get a weekend job? With something like shop work he'd be on his feet and moving around, plus it might help with his confidence and self esteem.

Gentle reminder: studies have shown that people who feel sad or shamed about their bodies as teenagers are more likely to be obese as adults.

HitAndHiss · 29/06/2019 13:28

He doesn't seem depressed or anxious, he is in the "popular" crowd at school and is outwardly confident (except with girls). Down about his weight, yes. But not depressed. Perhaps he felt a little uncomfortable at the gym which I can understand and I will speak to him about.

He talks to DD's boyfriend (who is 17) when he visits and he is very fit and plays for a football team. I feel there might be some jealousy there. I know his main issue is all his mates are starting to get girlfriends and experiment with relationships etc yet DS doesn't get approached by girls and he won't approach them.

Regarding a part time job some posters have suggested, that is a very good idea. A friend who owns a cafe in town offered him a weekend job there for when he turned 16 but he turned it down in favor of seeing mates. Will look into finding something that will hopefully get him on his feet a bit that he might actually do.

OP posts:
HitAndHiss · 29/06/2019 13:33

As for mealtimes, if he's in when we're having tea then he'll have some but he'll still sod off round to corner to have a kebab with at his friend's. I can't stop him doing this. Our meals aren't overly healthy but not awful either, for a example on a good day it's meat and veg stir fry from scratch and on a bad day it's ready made lasagne.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBookWorm · 29/06/2019 15:23

Could you get a treadmill or exercise bike for him to use at home instead. I used to attend the gym but since putting on alot of weight I'm quite self conscious to go now and bought myself an exercise bike and indoor trampoline to use instead. I know sometimes they do end up as clothes racks lol but he might feel more comfortable exercising at home in the meantime.

Bluerussian · 29/06/2019 15:30

Not everyone likes a gymnasium, they can be intimidating places for some. However your son can walk and cycle - maybe swim - and not buy so many takeaways, instead eat what you prepare.

He has just got into bad habits but he can break them, just needs the motivation.

Whosorrynow · 29/06/2019 17:31

A friend who owns a cafe in town offered him a weekend job there for when he turned 16 but he turned it down in favor of seeing mates
that seems a shame, a job like that where he has to talk to strangers could help with his confidence with romantic relationships, perhaps he turned it down because he was worried he'd be too self conscious?
Hanging with your mates is much easier but in the long run spending some time out of his comfort zone would help him.
I feel he needs someone whom he respects (but doesnt experience as a rival) to mentor him a little?

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