To think being married to a doctor is draining sometimes??

[Bluebluesea321]

I think we might be quite a rare breed but I’m a non-medic (City job) and DH is a doctor. AIBU to find it quite a draining position to be in sometimes?!

He works long hours, as do I, but inevitably our lives revolve around his shifts, whether he’s on call, whether he’s working nights that weekend, whether we can go to so and so’s wedding or will he be working etc etc. Not to mention the fact that when he has been on nights he’s in a terrible mood sometimes for days afterwards and I inevitably end up ‘looking after him’ a lot of the time!

I love him dearly and I’m so proud of his ambition and work ethic but sometimes it is hard! Our life revolves around his work!

I don’t know how two doctors together can manage sometimes as surely sometimes you’d both be working alternate weekends etc.?

Just a bit of a rant anyway and interested to see if anyone shares my pain!!

My DH used to work shifts and it was hard - especially with a young DC. All my friends DP/DH had normal jobs so weekends could get very lonely. He switched to a 9-5 job two years ago and although sometimes we struggle financially I wouldn't swap it for the shift work for anything.

You have my sympathy OP but it will get better

I'm currently on mat leave from GP training, DH is a PC. Time off together has always been sparse, and probably always will be even since I've stopped most out of hours work. Most of my foundation programme for example, I had 2 consecutive weekends off a month but DH had alternate weekends off, so just 2 days off together each month. But you just have to make the most of what time you have together, I think it's made us appreciate each other a lot more.

We’re both doctors, both hospital based. It’s hard for any shift worker I think, especially if you’re exposed to traumatic things - so paramedics, police, fire etc as well hospital workers.

I’m sorry you think he’s a bit of a ‘martyr’. I’d hate to think my loved ones thought that of me. I listen to their work problems and don’t think ‘what are you complaining about, nobody died’. I cut my non-medical family some slack when they complain and I hope they do the same.

I would forget nurseries for a start. They hate flexibility and have such limited opening hours. If you have room, an experienced au pair or live in nanny would be my way forward.

@WhiteDustah yes that old chestnut-doctors are paid a fortune so can just go part time or do private work and buy their luxury yachts on ten hours a week.

It is very difficult to be part time in the training years and even when a consultant u less you can give a very good reason and then of course of means your training takes much much longer.

And I’m sorry it’s not comparable to a firefighter- I have two friends in that profession and although it’s a shift pattern they get much more time not at work than a doctor-so much so they both run businesses on the side

I’m a doctor now a consultant but I’m the training grade years (until I was 42 as I had a period part time after having a baby) I moved every six months to a new hospital and would finish one day and start in a new place the next.

Once I finished a night shift at 8am and was due at work 150 miles away by 8.30am the same day.

DH had such a difficult time holding the fort at home and sorting out the moves and working his own job around me. Some years we couldn’t live in the same place as he couldn’t keep moving his job too.

The pay is good yes but not commensurate with the hours of work, the shifts, the study (oh god the endless endless study and exams) and the responsibility which never waned even if you are shattered or ill yourself.

But yes it’s a vocation and we love it so we keep on with it.

But for OP- it’s very hard to be married to a doctor yes.

My DH is an ambulance technician he’s nearly qualified but not on any kind of regular shift pattern so we can’t plan anything more than two weeks in advance. We have a 7 year old DD so I can’t plan to go anywhere. Drives me mad. It must be worse for you. YANBU.

Having read the book ‘This is going to hurt’ about a Junior Doctors life before he gave up medicine I have nothing but admiration for those who follow this path. The NHS treats its staff in a very cavalier fashion and I am not surprised they struggle to fill posts.

Same can be said for all shift workers, firefighters, pilots, paramedics, a huge swathe of professions

It's really not though, because of the massive hours involved - long work plus study.
I have family who are fire fighters and nurses and it can be hard but nothing like my sister, who is a doctor. The only one who comes close is a detective, who can have to work long hours at busy times - but their overtime is paid, at least, and not consistently the same hours.

@trixiebelden77 - ouch, I think you’ll find the martyr comment was one amongst a thread of me saying how proud I am of him and how I could never do what he does. I have been massively supportive of him for years through training and often wait on him hand and foot when he’s exhausted after a bad week. But yes sometimes it is hard if we’ve both had long days and I feel I’m not allowed to be tired or stressed because he by default is more tired and stressed because he’s a doctor. That’s all I mean! If you’re a doctor then you don’t appreciate what it’s like being on the other side of that relationship.

I'm married to a non-medic. It took a bit of work to start with as he had no idea what I was on about most of the time but I don't talk about clinical stuff very much at home - mainly whinge about colleagues and management which I guess is what most people do about their jobs

However I did find when I was dating that non-medical men found it very challenging that I was a doctor, and not 'just a GP' (how rude to GPs!) And I got a lot of comments about 'that must be very hard' 'you must be an angel' 'it must be so draining' which, well how do you answer that? Obvs I am an angel I don't especially find my job draining for clinically reasons except in particular cases.

My non-medical husband is a breath of fresh air he doesn't ask me any of that rubbish and knows my hours are terrible and NHS management and HR are a disaster area.

@Yawninfinitum - totally agree, he definitely is not paid enough for the hours and toil he puts in. I earn more than him at the moment (which I almost feel guilty for at times but that’s the industry) and I do think that’s ridiculous although I do work hard and studied a lot to get to where I am.

The classic ‘well you’re married to a doctor so you’re alright then!’ Insinuation that we must be loaded and own a yacht annoys me!

Yanbu OP

I think some posters are being a bit harsh.

Yes it's not a disaster and yes anyone married to a shift worker has the same issues and yes the pay isn't awful (though arguably for the skill involved and the streak and the hours I dont actually think it's great unless you're a consultant or something)

But that diesnt make it easier to have to attend yet another wedding on your own or cancel another holiday or let down another group of friends when only one of you turns up. Of course it's not unreasonable to want to see and socialise with and make plans with your own husband and for him not to be so grumpy! I dont know if you have kids but it will make it much harder when only one of you knows if you can definitely do drop off and pick up and birthday parties and illness etc

Plus with the nature of his job and the state of the NHS his job (compared to most other shift jobs) will be extremely stressful, extremely busy, I'm sure he will always be understaffed so having to make horrible decisions and let people down and end up staying longer than he wants to and covering others shifts in an emergency. He sould see some horrible things depending on his area. That's going to take its toll on him and people around him.

Streak = stress!

Everyone should read "This Is Going To Hurt" by Adam Kay, to get s true idea of the life of a junior (ie not a consultant) doctor. I have no idea how people manage their lives, especially with a family.
All shift work is challenging, absolutely. But as a junior doctor you are completely at the mercy of the NHS as to where you work, when you can have leave etc. How many jobs are there where you are sent to work in a trust 150miles away from where you have been working, with only a few weeks notice, or where you can't guarantee that you'll be rostered off on your wedding day?!

I'm luck that I'm in one of the few NHS professions that doesn't always require shift / weekend work, though it's becoming more common as they are moving towards full 7 day working. OP you have my utmost sympathy. Just keep looking forward to that yacht you can buy in 20yrs

@Bluebluesea321 If you can never have the worst day because he always trumps you because doctor that would really piss me off.

Doctoring didn't turn out to be what I thought it would be but now I'm a consultant we make a bloody nice life out of it, despite all the shit so I'm not about to go and retrain.

DH worked as an academic and OK, I have absolutely no idea what his area was despite him explaining it to me a billion times but I could see he worked really long hours, his department was awful and bullying, the job market was horrendous. So just because he wasn't healing sick children or giving sight to the blind or whatever medical willy-waving thing you want to play top trumps about, he was far more tired and stressed than I was and that needed acknowledging in our relationship.

You can't feel guilty for someone not being paid enough for the hours they put in - as you say, that's the industry. Otherwise are you going to feel guilty for all the health care assistants being paid a pittance too? I'm now locumming and being paid double what I got permanent - for doing exactly the same job. Am I feeling guilty? No fucking way! Am more wondering why I spent so long being a mug thinking a permanent job was better and higher status.

The NHS is an industry like any other. Doctoring is a weird job but it is a job - there are loads of jobs I am utterly unsuited for and it would be great if your DH could recognise this about himself.

Haha OP this thread made me laugh so much, it's all so true! I also work in finance and am married to a junior dr. Our wedding was difficult to find a wknd that would suit the maximum amount of people as a lot of our friends are medics/AHPs. He hates having so much time off on his own during the week and I spend a lot of weekends alone. I find I get a really patronising 'when he becomes a consultant you won't have to work' attitude from some people and I'm like, er that's how we pay the bloody mortgage?! It's mad! NHS salaries haven't increased in 10 years so I think they aren't as well paid as people presume. But equally that means nurses etc get shat on much more! He loves it though, and is beyond clever. We are currently battling infertility and MC and don't even get me started on the logistics of fertile week when he's on call!!! Hahaha

YANBU. My stepdad was a GP and our life revolved around his work too. Which weekends he was on duty, which weekends he was second on duty. And my DM used to have to answer the phone too if he wasn't there. This was in the days before the GP call handling service, the days of home visits and impromptu 'surgeries' during the weekend. We all had to be completely silent when the phone rang, because of course the person on the other end could've been calling about a dire emergency, something life or death. The responsibility on my DM too, a non-medically trained layperson to make a judgement call on what was urgent and what wasn't was huge (and utterly outrageous!).

YANBU. A friend of mine was in a long term, cohabiting relationship with a doctor and it broke down, partially because of the shifts, more because he was very much of the 'how dare you complain about your petty little job where no one dies' persuasion. The thing is he clearly was very genuinely traumatised by his job and so it was hard to blame him for it, but it's not an easy attitude to leave with

Are you sure the post nights grumpiness is all part of the nobility of the profession?

I used to work nights and was able to suppress my grumpiness most of the time.

It sounds like your DH is getting a bit of a free pass because he's a doctor.

@AnnaMagnani haha - to be fair he’s never said I can’t be tired or anything like that but it’s the insinuation and how he reacts when we are both exhausted! He is very supportive when I’ve been super stressed even if he doesn’t understand my job really

Funnily enough re: your last line, he’s often made comments about how lots of doctors go into management consulting in the city instead and make way more money - I’m always like, you would HATE that!! That’s certainly not an easy option and he would absolutely hate the office politics and the corporate rubbish!

@madroid to be fair I’ve probably made it sound worse than it is as I’ve barely seen him for nearly a week so am feeling quite grumpy about it myself. He’s generally very good but it’s times when he’s off mid week post nights and I’m working, I ideally would like him to run some errands but inevitably they don’t end up being done because he’s post nights! I do understand how horrific he must feel but life does go on surely!

@NewAccount270219 luckily he’s never been like that with me but I can definitely see how a relationship could end up like that!

@Thumbellini sorry to hear you are going through all of that! oh yes the ‘you won’t have to work when he’s a consultant’ - what if god forbid I still want my own career?!

DH and I are both NHS Consultants. To make it work, I’m part time with no out of hours, he’s full time and works every 3rd weekend and on-call every 3rd night. It is a PITA, and it definitely helps that we both understand the demands and commitment. I know friends who’ve married non-medics who just haven’t understood.

We are also very much agreed that family comes first and we always say NO to all the additional, unpaid stuff that happens out of hours that the NHS expects I.e. “important” meetings after 5pm, yes so important they couldn’t be scheduled within working hours...and we both take every last day and hour of allowed annual leave and parental leave. It does take time to adjust that mentality. I would say DH found that harder than me -I think maternity leave gives you time to readjust priorities.

I absolutely understand what you mean. Even knowing shifts in advance doesn't guarantee they'll stay that way. My partner's specialty usually falls down the CEPOD list at work for emergency procedures, so 6pm can soon turn into 9/10/11pm.

I'm in the middle of completing my modular pilot training so every time our plans go squiffy I just hit the books and try and make an opportunity of it. I've mostly settled with it, but it can be draining and frustrating at times. For example, one weekend two different consultants landed two different teaching sessions on him for the following Monday and Tuesday, and another from a former post messaged him to say that their paper had been rejected but that they had the opportunity to rapidly revise it. Goodbye weekend plans .

Another example, not knowing whether annual leave will happen. We don't go away often (usually it revolves around conferences) but this year DSS has been given permission to come to Orlando with us, but that now depends on annual leave. I'm dying for us all to go (me, him, DSS, and DD) but it's not a certainty yet. It does feel a bit naff not being able to get excited about it with DSS, as it may not even happen and that wouldn't be fair on him to drum up the excitement.

As I had a brief stint with medicine (it was not for me!), I think I can bring empathy to the situation. Also, because he has been amazingly encouraging and supportive with my flying ambitions, I find it a lot easier to be supportive and accept that it's just a bit sh*t for now. And, he never tries to trump me in terms of tiredness...that would wind me up.