To think being married to a doctor is draining sometimes??

[Bluebluesea321]

I think we might be quite a rare breed but I’m a non-medic (City job) and DH is a doctor. AIBU to find it quite a draining position to be in sometimes?!

He works long hours, as do I, but inevitably our lives revolve around his shifts, whether he’s on call, whether he’s working nights that weekend, whether we can go to so and so’s wedding or will he be working etc etc. Not to mention the fact that when he has been on nights he’s in a terrible mood sometimes for days afterwards and I inevitably end up ‘looking after him’ a lot of the time!

I love him dearly and I’m so proud of his ambition and work ethic but sometimes it is hard! Our life revolves around his work!

I don’t know how two doctors together can manage sometimes as surely sometimes you’d both be working alternate weekends etc.?

Just a bit of a rant anyway and interested to see if anyone shares my pain!!

YANBU. While no experience personally, a clise family member is married to a medic and their whole lives revolve around the medics shifts, Inc their 2 kids. The medic also picks up extra shifts and training to make extra money for the family. While this is good from a money POV, I'm sure the kids would rather have their parent there than another new bike.

@Florencenotflo - that sounds very familiar! That’s exactly it, being the one who has to fit around his work and think about how it could affect me/us/what we have going on! And that’s without children!!

Doctor married to doctor here. Friends struggle to understand that as juniors we have no say in where or when we work, so I can understand that it must be really hard to be married to one of us! You can’t go private or drop hours when still a junior. (Well you can reduce your hours but you have to prove you are the main carer of a small child or have a serious illness)

What is different to other shift workers like nurses is that usually we can’t request stuff. So annual leave is allocated which is a massive pain and we never get allocated the same leave so can’t holiday together. Also we move jobs every 6 months so sometimes have to move house with 6 weeks notice and sometimes we get allocated jobs far away from each other. Rota should be released 6 weeks in advance contractually but I still don’t know when I’m working in August. I do know where it it’s though so that’s an improvement on usual. Childcare is a real PITA as it is for all shift workers but it’s the not being able to plan in advance that is the massive pain. Things are slowly improving though, contractually you now have to have your wedding day off if you give six weeks notice!!!!

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee - interesting! Yes on the face of it the extra shifts can be useful but it does incentivise working even more hours!!

I'm a doctor married to a police officer and we've managed and have a daughter together.

I've just had my rota through for August yesterday... so that's 5 weeks in advance... it's hard to organise childcare in that time.

In terms of your husband OP- once you have a child he will pretty automatically entitled to go less than full time to help sort childcare if he wants, so if he swaps to 80% he will be able to have one regular day off a week (and 80% of associated on calls) but training will obviously take longer to complete. I do 60% so work 3 regular days a week with about 1 in 4 weekends. I'm not sure if this system applies in a consultancy post, they tend to mainly be completely full time or 60% from what I've seen.

Working shifts yourself is also pretty draining..

Hang in there...my DH is a doctor too...it's completely different now he's a consultant...no night shifts etc...worth the wait!

YANBU. DH is a police officer, currently doing a horrid shift pattern and has done for a few years now. I work 4 days a week in a city job, and we have a 7yo and a 2yo. I'm bloody knackered all the time. We never get to do things as a family at the weekend. I'm also tired of explaining to other people that no, he's not around, and no, we can't all come over, and DD would love to come to your party but I either have to leave her or stay with the annoying toddler...

We're hitting the point now where I'm getting too tired of this and want him to change his role slightly.

Some jobs are just really tough to live with.

@WhiteDust that is very true re: nurses etc. But on the flip side DH has had to pay masses for his exams, training and spent hundreds of hours outside work revising, working on studies etc that I don’t think nursing requires (although I do accept I could be wrong as I don’t know much about nursing!!) I mean after university/whilst working full time, not degree studies.

@WantLifeToBeBetter of course it is but I think if it’s your work then it obviously feels different to being the person having to fit around and look after the tired shift worker when you’re tired yourself! My DH is very supportive of my career but he really doesn’t understand the type of stress I face and the tiredness I have that is obviously a different kind of ‘tired’.

@cal

@Callistone that sounds tough - is there a chance for him to change roles then, as you say?

I probably should have called this ‘being married to a shift worker’!

Oh OP

🙌🏻 YES! DH is a Dr (surgeon) and this is EXACTLY what it’s like! His shift pattern determines our life, the NHS are surprisingly unreasonable (literally scheduled him on a long day on our wedding day 🤔 despite a year of ‘just to remind you I’m getting married on X date emails’)

I find it really bizzare. I work in finance and mine/DH’s private sector peers (same level of education/academic success) earn 3x the amount and are treated 10x better!

I have NO idea why anyone would want to be a Dr, DH did it because he ‘wanted to help people’ which I do admire but god forbid the NHS (or anybody) be a little bit grateful! 😂🙈

So many people forget that to be a Dr you need to fit X calibre of academia... but for anyone who does fit X calibre a career at the mercy of the NHS is the LEAST rewarding career by far!

@alohadaisy that is very interesting to know!! Thank you!

@Spiceupyourlife yes! I am open mouthed at some of the stories, I would not be able to do it!!

I feel for you op. No fun at all. I have a dh in finance, and he works all the hours under the sun. He comes home wrecked. I don't have any advice beyond ensuring your self care is in place, you are taking time to enjoy your life and recharge. Find ways to reconnect. I heard you are able to take extended time off, I would do that if you can, and plan something really special.

Work life balance is important, but not really realistic in some professions.

@sallievp - I hope it is as good as people say it is haha but yes I live in hope!

alohadaisy am a PT consultant. Most consultant posts are advertised FT, but you can try to negotiate to work less (or find someone to job share etc), so you can work 50% upwards. The issues at Consultant level are completely different. You do have more flexibility which is great with kids (if I don’t have clinic nobody cares if I turn up 15 mins late etc). But a major difference being that you remain responsible for your patients whether you’re there or not, and then all managerial/governance bits which nobody else will deal with. So if you choose to work 70%, you may just find you are doing ~95% but on 70% pay.

Married to dentist so no night shifts but the working hours are long :(. 12+ hour days and he‘s often so drained from seeing 40-50 patients per day that there‘s not much energy left for our 6 month old DD. Weekends are spent catching up on sleep, food shopping and household chores so we‘re both a bit stuck in a hamster wheel at the moment.

This is why doctors marry other doctors - because they never meet anyone else as they live their work, and they understand the life.

The stereotypical doctor relationship if one is a consultant is the consultant is the man, the woman is a part-time GP as it's more family friendly - no on-call/shifts/weekends.

I'm in a very family friendly specialty and it is overwhelmingly female and part-time and although people claim they chose it because they love the specialty (and it is the best specialty!) I'm sure the no nights, work from home at weekends as a consultant was a big draw. Usually women aim to get a training post, then have their family - so guaranteed maternity leave, part-time working, based in same region for several years, and when they are finished get a part-time job at the end.

If you are 2 doctors together, both doing specialty training, I know couples who barely see each other and organizing childcare is a nightmare.

In my old job, we would get posted all the juniors who wanted to get married on purpose as they knew I organized the rota so would move heaven and earth to sort their time off - in most jobs you just get 'it's the rota, swap it yourself'. It's a shit job if you can't even give people time off to get married.

DH is a paediatric surgeon, yes it’s demanding and it can be tricky logistically but then so can many careers. The plus side is that he loves his work and finds it really rewarding.

@AnnaMagnani what speciality if you don't mind me asking?

We're 2 registrars working in hospital based specialities with one small and another on the way. Apart from mat leave I've always been full time. We couldn't do it without my parents. Other than that, yes it's very tiring and whilst I'm contracted 48hrs a week, I'd say with teaching commitments, study, audit/quality improvement etc, it's probably closer to 70. Plus 1.5hrs per day commuting. Thing that really annoys me? Hospital parking.

DD is a radiographer in a city trust with a global shift pattern, her partner is a paramedic for the county trust. Trying to organise any kind of social life with him and her friends who are nurses and radiographers is nigh on impossible.

Not ideal, but her secret is to have lots of friends, that way there’s always someone off when she is for a meet up.

Whilst not a medic I am a nurse and dp is a health care assistant. We both work long shifts and balancing our shifts around childcare is the main thing we argue about. We can go weeks and weeks without any real time together, it's exhausting but this is our life and is unlikely to change any time soon.

I don’t think nursing requires (although I do accept I could be wrong as I don’t know much about nursing!!) I mean after university/whilst working full time, not degree studies.

You are correct in that we don't have the paid exams that doctors do (or the huge earning potential that entails) we are expected to continually be engaging in CPD to meet our professional registrstion requirements, and there are currently changes in the way nursing is being taught (especially mental health) that mean there are many of us who will have to make up a skill deficit in the next few years to make sure we are as skilled and qualified as the new starters are.... add to that the NHS is continually downgrading nursing roles (so a band 6 retires and their post becomes a band 5 to save money) and you get a big chunk of the profession being highly skilled but not well paid for the level of skill.