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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blended family holiday finances

61 replies

Anuta77 · 28/06/2019 20:08

Hello,
my DP is Cuban and needs to go to Cuba to treat a dental problem that is very expensive where we live. He would need to go for about 2 weeks.
He's expecting me and our toddler to go too. Obviously, I pay for my own ticket (the toddler doesn't go to the daycare yet, so I only work part time, but we pay all household expenses 50/50). I also have a son from previous relationship and I would either have to pay for his ticket (his father abandoned him, so no maintenance at all) or he would stay with my mom who works part time. My older son is not excited about going.

We would be staying in his mother's house (she will be there too, as well as his niece who's crazy about meeting our toddler) in the suburbs of Havana, where there's not much to do. He says that between treatments, we can do things. I know we will also have to travel to another city to visit his other family, which is also a cost (I pay for my own tickets).

I also know that my DP always takes his computer as he's a freelance worker, so he will be working sometimes to "compensate" for the costs.

I'm not very excited about going. Summer is short and beautiful where we live. Cuba is very hot and I don't feel that the rewards are worth the money spent in this particular case. It will also be close to the beginning of school, so I'll have to be there if my older son is not going with me. My excuse to him is that I don't have enough money. I do have some savings, but I also have costs.

My DP says that I do have money (example: I go to a therapist and bring my son to a psychologist, just bought us a piano), so it's not an excuse and I need to stop being negative.

My DP never thought about contributing to my son's ticket when we travelled to Cuba, yet he pays maintenance to his ex for his EX STEP SON who is 18 this year and is old enough to work (his own sons started working at 16), so it's the same thing: if he has the money to help out the ex wife, he could find the money to help me with my son.

He says that I'm being unreasonable, because he contributes to our household by doing all the renovations and he doesn't do anything for the ex wife and he pays 50% of our household expenses, so he doesn't need to contribute also for the tickets.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 28/06/2019 20:13

Tell him to get to fuck.

AnathemaPulsifer · 28/06/2019 20:13

It’s not obvious at all that you should pay 50% of household expenses when you work part time because you have a toddler, let alone that you have to pay to do a trip you don’t want to do.

And he’ll support an ex stepson but not your older child? He doesn’t sound like he’s very nice to you.

7yo7yo · 28/06/2019 20:14

If he wants you to go then he can pay for you all but I’d be careful about taking your son to his home country.

Batqueen · 28/06/2019 20:16

You spend the money on the things that you prioritise. This is something that he thinks is a priority so if he is insistent, he can subsidise you at least a little.

E.g with my dp he tends to pay for meals out as it’s something he enjoys more and I tend to pay for tickets for our activities as that’s something I enjoy more. When we go on holiday we split it but sometimes he will insist on an upgrade which I don’t think is worth it so he pays - that way we both get what we want (he gets the upgrade and I don’t resent him for spending more than I planned).

TeenTimesTwo · 28/06/2019 20:23

Is it really cheaper for all of you to fly to Cuba than for him to have the treatment here?
(Or are you in US which would make the flights cheaper and the dentistry more expensive?)

I think he should just go on his own.

HigaDequasLuoff · 28/06/2019 20:24

Every hour of childcare (of the child he is father to) and household management (of the house he lives in) that you do over and above your 50% "fair share" should be effectively "paid" by a fair wage for that time being deducted from your 50% financial contribution.

You are contributing way more than your fair share. He is taking advantage of you. This is not about the holiday.

I say don't go. He can take the toddler to meet his mum and give you some 1:1 time with your older son.

SagAloojah · 28/06/2019 20:31

He's a knob. Don't go spend your money on a holiday for you, toddler and DS, or a staycation as you say it's beautiful.

PinkDaffodil2 · 28/06/2019 20:33

Why is it obvious that you would pay for your ticket when it’s him that expects you to go - and the purpose of the trip is to save him money?

Original poster

Anuta77 · 28/06/2019 21:20

We live in Canada, so dentistry in this case would be around 3500$, while one ticket to Cuba is 400-650$. He's saving money, but says that for me, it's a vacation and doesn't even envision me not going.
The toddler is still breasfeeding ans very attached to me....

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 28/06/2019 21:28

I'd like to second the suggestion from @7yo7yo that he should get to fuck.

rookiemere · 28/06/2019 21:28

Doesn't sound like much of a holiday, but I do get that your DS should meet his Cuban relatives. Can you go outside summer so your elder DS is at school ( if someone can look after him) and it's not so hot?

Littlemisslists · 28/06/2019 21:28

Tell him to go to the bloody dentist himself. I’ve never heard anything like it

Maitairiki · 28/06/2019 21:30

He can go alone.

JADS · 28/06/2019 21:31

Don't go. You are basically subsidising his dental treatment (implants?).

If he wants you to go with him, he can pay for all of you.

HigaDequasLuoff · 28/06/2019 21:33

For you, it is most certainly not be a vacation though. You would be there solely to facilitate his mum getting to meet her grandchild, sacrificing the summer in your home country you'd rather have. Staying with his mum will be no holiday - it will be generally stressful throughout, you wouldn't be doing it for you, but for him. So he should be paying. Even paying for your fare he is still sàving a lot of money.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/06/2019 21:35

I’d let him go on his own. I can’t see any benefit in you and the toddler going too.

Purpleartichoke · 28/06/2019 21:38

You work part time to provide care for your shared child? Since you don’t have pooled finances, he needs to pay you for that time. It should be 50% of your lost income, both pay and pension contributions, plus a factor for lost experience and salary growth.

No way on earth should you be paying to take yourself on a trip that is just for his benefit. You shouldn’t also be faced with the choice of leaving your child behind or paying for an expensive trip for him.

If what he really wants is to bring his family to visit his family, then he should be paying travel expenses for ALL of you.

GabriellaMontez · 28/06/2019 21:39

Why do you pay 50/50 when you're at home looking after your child?

Queenprawn · 28/06/2019 21:39

Can you imagine, a bear with a sore head, a breast feeding toddler & a bored child in someone else's home...sounds like a nightmare, not a holiday..I'd stay put & let his mother look after him l.

Waveysnail · 28/06/2019 21:43

You work pt - why are you paying 50% bills

OhFanPolyeo · 28/06/2019 21:43

Wave him off at the door with 'Have a nice trip hope the door doesn't hit you in the arse on the way out'

Nairobiblue · 28/06/2019 21:47

Cuba is not a signatory to the Hague Convention so if you think there is any chance he would not bring your son back, I wouldn't let him take him on his own. As far as you going, it doesn't sound like a holiday and would be cheaper to pay for your MIL to come to you.

Feelingwalkedover · 28/06/2019 22:00

Ooh don’t like the sound of this ..don’t take your son..don’t go

SuzieQ10 · 28/06/2019 22:07

Just explain that you won't be able to go with him. You don't want to spend your limited savings on an expensive trip and you'd like to spend the summer where you are, with both your children.

Don't let him guilt trip you. You earned your money, he can't tell you how to spend it.

raspberryk · 28/06/2019 22:07

I think he should pay for all of you, or just he can go.

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