Blended family holiday finances

[Anuta77]

Hello,
my DP is Cuban and needs to go to Cuba to treat a dental problem that is very expensive where we live. He would need to go for about 2 weeks.
He's expecting me and our toddler to go too. Obviously, I pay for my own ticket (the toddler doesn't go to the daycare yet, so I only work part time, but we pay all household expenses 50/50). I also have a son from previous relationship and I would either have to pay for his ticket (his father abandoned him, so no maintenance at all) or he would stay with my mom who works part time. My older son is not excited about going.

We would be staying in his mother's house (she will be there too, as well as his niece who's crazy about meeting our toddler) in the suburbs of Havana, where there's not much to do. He says that between treatments, we can do things. I know we will also have to travel to another city to visit his other family, which is also a cost (I pay for my own tickets).

I also know that my DP always takes his computer as he's a freelance worker, so he will be working sometimes to "compensate" for the costs.

I'm not very excited about going. Summer is short and beautiful where we live. Cuba is very hot and I don't feel that the rewards are worth the money spent in this particular case. It will also be close to the beginning of school, so I'll have to be there if my older son is not going with me. My excuse to him is that I don't have enough money. I do have some savings, but I also have costs.

My DP says that I do have money (example: I go to a therapist and bring my son to a psychologist, just bought us a piano), so it's not an excuse and I need to stop being negative.

My DP never thought about contributing to my son's ticket when we travelled to Cuba, yet he pays maintenance to his ex for his EX STEP SON who is 18 this year and is old enough to work (his own sons started working at 16), so it's the same thing: if he has the money to help out the ex wife, he could find the money to help me with my son.

He says that I'm being unreasonable, because he contributes to our household by doing all the renovations and he doesn't do anything for the ex wife and he pays 50% of our household expenses, so he doesn't need to contribute also for the tickets.

My spider senses are screaming DO NOT TAKE THE BABY. This doesn't sound right. Please do not go.

He can go by himself. Also, it's really unfair for you to pay 50% of the bills.

I don’t understand why you feel you need to go. It’s not a holiday and if it’s an attempt to save money there is no point in spending more just for everyone to go. Seems odd.

you shouldn't be paying 50% bills if you work part time.
That automatically leaves you with less disposable income to spend on treats/savings.
Out of that you are also paying for your eldest son.
Then also your youngest child.

Now he wants you to deplete your savings even further on a trip that you don't want to go on.
This would not be a holiday for you.
A holiday for you is one where YOU also get to decide on the location - and most importantly the activities etc that you will be spending your money on.

He's taking the piss.

What jumped out at me from your posts is the coldness of it all. Do you even like him? Are you a family? All this, his money, my money.

Op. Please tell us this isn’t something you are seriously considering?

I would say that he is going to have dental treatment and I wouldn’t be going.

Honestly, OP-he is being an arse. He wants to have his cake and eat it!

Op, how many biological children does he have? Have they ever been to Cuba? Has his ex wife or step son ever been to Cuba? If so, who paid?

I had a blended family (2 biological children plus 3 step children), whenever we went abroad, even to visit my mum and family abroad, we shared all costs. It has never been a case of I pay for mine and you pay for yours, that’s ridiculous!

Hide the passport of your child.

He has 3 bio children (19, 16 and 12) + ex step son (18.5) who are all Cuban, but live in Canada with their mothers (2 exes). He paid for them all to come to Canada, because as Cubans, they didn't have money.
I am Canadian and I've been working since I'm 16, so I do have some savings. So he sees it as me having more saving than him and him, having to pay maintenance for 4 children, it's not fair that he also pays for me while I'm on a maternity leave and/or working part time. I was my decision not to send the toddler to the daycare before, I just didn't feel we were ready for it. He works from home, so he would help out a bit during the day, but he prioritised his work and I prioritised our toddler, working at night when he was sleeping.

Our family finances are not obvious. He says that because he brought ex step son to Canada, he's responsible for him. But I think that the boy is lucky to be living in a more prosperous country, DP himself thinks that life in Cuba is very difficult.
Ex step son is not exactly starving, he spends every summer in Cuba with his father (who doesn't have money to maintain him) and DP pays even when he's there, so for me, he's contributing to his trips. He has a smartphone, videogame console, goes to movies, clothing is very inexpensive, his mother is working and owns a car and I think he should be working too. My own son is 11.

My DP does work hard on renovating our house, which has monetary value too and he says it all the time.

So it's very complex.

Oh, he's not planning on staying in Cuba, he worked hard trying to get out of there and thinks that life there is way to difficult.

By the sounds of it, I wouldn’t worry that he is planning on kidnapping your son and keeping him in Cuba.

It sounds like he sees you as being some kind of cash cow and as he is paying for children from a previous relationship, you can pay for the children in this relationship. Not on!

Yanbu

Your DP is taking you for a ride.

Whose house is it?
Fuck him of!
Your actually funding him and his Cuban kids as well as your own!

What @7yo7yo said

A woman should always have her own savings that her partner/husband does not know about and cannot access.

OP, time to start putting your down, and first step is not going with him.

If you don't want to go, don't go. That's enough of a reason. If he's desperate for his family to meet the toddler, he can take him too.

I think he's right about contributing towards his Step Son and it's admirable.

How he is treating you and your Son is a different matter.

This has highlighted and brought to a head, a big issue.

One its not a holiday, he should pay. Or you stay home.

Two, you need to clarify wjat tje future holds. How long is the support for SS going to last? Is it then going to switch to your Son?

Then there's your contribution to the home and finances.

So your Son was 8/9 when you got pregnant? Was there any discussion about finances etc? Has he gone back on things?

I can't believe you're putting up with him and his meanness at all, let alone considering this trip.

You work part time; he works full time. You look after your toddler and son. He should be contributing more than 50% financially. And your son is part of your family ... if he doesn't want to step up, then he should step out the door.

Tell him to make a decision about what kind of family man he's going to be in your home and decide if you want to let him stay.

Don't go on the trip.

You definitely don't have to go. If you want a holiday to visit his family, you plan it together at a suitable time for all of you and you work out fair financial contributions from both of you. If he needs his teeth fixing, that's on him.

Also, he absolutely needs to stop paying for his adult ex-stepson.

Putting the family finances to one side .Does he have to go to Cuba in the summer when its so hot? With ticket prices at their highest I would guess. Could you all not go at another time of year ( Christmas?) when its colder in canada and milder in cuba ( knows nothing about Cuba or its climate really).Then you wouldnt resent it quite so much and it would be a more pleasant experience for you.

The money is irrelevant though in a way. Why should you go somewhere just because he wants you to? You could take that amount of money and spend it on a holiday that you planned and choose together.

"I'm going to Cuba to access cheaper dental treatment, do you fancy coming along and making a bit of a holiday of it?"

"No chance, too hot for me and I'd rather not spend that amount of money. Have a good trip darling."

"Okay, see you in two weeks"

That's how that conversation should have gone!

So he’ll find everyone else apart from you (because they’re Cuban and have no money)?
I agree with PP who says I think he sees you as a cash cow - sorry OP.

Fund not find

Don't go! Sounds like it will be insanely boring and not a holiday at all for you. You'll be left alone a lot by the sounds of it too which isn't fun in the suburbs of a city in crazy hot weather and children. I'm not sure I'd go even if he were paying. I wouldn't even consider it if he's not.