How should I have answered this?

[4TeensAndABaby]

We were in Lush having a browse. Myself, DS 4 & DDs 18 & 15. A very helpful Sales Assistant came over and asked if we needed any help. The Sales Assistant was male, but had long hair (worn down), a tiny amount of makeup, and a skirt with tights. The Sales Assistant also had by my definition a very masculine voice.

So, we were talking about the products, I was trying things the Sales Assistant had recommended etc. My darling 4 year old then says in a very loud voice: "Mummy, is that a boy or a girl?" Thankfully, my quick thinking DD18 distracted him and I carried on talking (whilst hoping the ground would open up). DD15 was so embarrassed by her brother that she walked out the shop.

I've been thinking about this for a while. But what should I have said to my son? I am fully supportive of the LGBT community and I have a gay daughter. I would love to know how I should have answered my son's question without offending anyone? (So I'm prepared for the next blunt question he asks!)

I would of said I dont know, as you dont

I would struggle with that too op, the fear of saying the wrong thing is sometimes hard to manage. I would like to know the right answer too.

Perhaps a quick "How do you like to be referred to?" and then answer based on that.

I would probably say something like ‘darling, it’s rude to ask questions about people in front of them’ and then when you’re at home explain that people don’t always look like you expect them to (e.g. boys can wear makeup and dresses etc).

You could have asked the assistant, "how would you like me to answer that?"

I would have said: He is a boy and if your son asked why he was wearing a skirt I would have answered: cause everybody does what he/she wants as long as they do not harm anyone.

I actually had the same conversation with my DD4 - she said: but boys do not wear the skirt. And I asked her if there was a reason why they shouldn't. She thought about and she agreed with me that there is no reason why they shouldn't.
I also pointed out that women wear trousers and have short hair...

I would have said “I don’t know, it doesn’t matter really does it”.

In that situation, as the assistant had clearly heard the question, then I would do as ISmellBabies said.

If the person in question hadn't heard the question then I'm not sure how you answer that question without going into a long explanation about transgender etc

He is a boy But what if the shop assistant identifies as a woman/female now?

Exactly Nessie. He may not identify as a boy

My standard reply to my 4 year old is “ask them what their pronouns are” every time the person in question has been more than happy to say “I like he/she/it/them/whatever” usually followed by my son saying “you look nice/pretty/I like your hair/shoes” he comments on shoes and hair as those are things he’s drawn to.
I have a gay brother who prefers the pronoun she, even though she is definitely a Male. In my opinion it’s never rude to ask, but it is rude to assume.

You get your four year old to ask people what their pronouns are?

Something along the lines of "whatever they want to be darling" and teach him to ask in a respectful way which they prefer as @ ToffiePennie suggests.

‘Why don’t you ask them that sweetie?’ or, if the person has clearly heard, to the person ‘would it be okay if he asks you?’

Pretty simple.

Ask the sales assistant. My son has his hair cut by a beautiful young trans woman with long blonde hair and a masculine voice; I made a quick check to ask which pronoun she preferred before using one.

Why on earth was your daughter embarrassed he is 4 and it is a clear question I would say those reactions are worse than the question

I don’t think it’s unnatural to be embarrassed in that situation quartz

Chili Love that response. I will definitely do that next time.

I did think about asking the assistant, but worried I might upset them or appear rude. My son doesn’t really gender stereotype, I think he was just unsure. He himself loves wearing nail varnish and makeup like his sisters, and I’ve always allowed it.

That’s a tough one, because I’d never tell a child that a man is a woman or vice versa.Obviously not so easy in that situation because it could end up getting quite unpleasant, and while I’m gender critical to the core, I’m also not in the business of upsetting people. I think the PP who said shush the child then explain later, while still being deeply uncomfortable, might be the best option.

Incidentally, when a child asks a woman if she’s a girl or a boy, which has been asked of me several times, it’s just smiles and ‘ I’m a woman of course.’ The fact that the situation with the young man in the shop was so much more awkward says a lot. It’s not natural or comfortable for humans to pretend someone is who they aren’t, and it’s a dangerous example to set to children that they should.

I’m never telling my DS that a man can be a woman or a woman can be a man, because it’s a lie. He doesn’t believe it anyway.

I would have told him not to be so rude as to talk about people in their hearing.

quartz She is 15, and in her mind her brother asked an embarrassing question. She didn’t make a grand exit, she merely slipped outside as she felt embarrassed for him!

Kids do not have a filter :-). I can also understand your daughter being embarrassed. That's all pretty typical.

I would have been nonchalant, probably said, "I don't know but it doesn't matter", then change the subject. Later I'd have said, as has been suggested, that it is tactless to ask personal questions about people in front of them.

Don't think any more about it, your son won't have been the only one to wonder.

No probs OP! For what it’s worth most people who don’t present in an obviously ‘one specific gender’ way will be very much used to people wondering or children mentioning (especially working in retail!) and as long as it’s approached politely and in good faith I’ve never met anyone be offended by something like this. It’d be a bit different if you’d asked just because you wanted to know, when it’s not relevant to your interaction, but when the question is already out there from an inquisitive child I think the best you can do is roll with it 😂

I have hD similar on a number of occasions - it’s almost cute when it’s a toddler but I have two older children who are autistic and they just don’t think before they speak. I seriously worry that as they get older they will get themselves into trouble just through not thinking.

We have a “no asking questions about other people in public” policy for them.

I would ask the shop assistant for preferred name and pronouns — from the Toronto Hospital for Sick Children “SickKids is home to one of the largest transgender youth clinics in Canada. When youth arrive at the Clinic, the first thing they are asked is their preferred name and pronoun. The most common response is an ear-to-ear grin. For some, this is a pivotal turning point where they finally feel seen and validated. Our goal is to provide transgender youth the care they need and help them navigate a health-care system that is not always transfriendly.”