Not not want to host at the moment?

[motheroftinydragons]

Opinions please!

DH and I have a three year old and a baby (10m). Three year old currently wakes once a night (usually for the toilet) and baby can be awake anywhere from zero times a night to awake every two hours. I'm a sahm, and I'm currently pretty bloody exhausted. I do all the night stuff (except for at weekends where we take turns and also have one lie in each to catch up) because I'm at home all day and DH has a good hour and a half drive to work each day. He's out of the house 7-7 Monday to Friday.

DH has recently started asking if he can invite one of his university friends, his wife and their three year old over for the weekend. Whilst I'm not opposed to this in principle at all, now just isn't a good time. We're in separate bedrooms at the moment to try to maximise sleep, and tbh weekends are the only time I have to recharge. Hosting friends for a weekend means me getting no rest, doing extra cleaning (our house is kept clean but you know 'extra' cleaning for guests, washing beds etc), cooking, and all the usual hosting stuff. DH would help with the cleaning but he's literally not here, he'd be at work all week then they'd arrive.

I've said can we please leave it until maybe autumn half term or Christmas time (they're teachers so needs to be in holidays so them to come Friday-Monday which is the plan as they live quite a distance away) when hopefully we'll be a bit more settled but DH thinks I'm being miserable at that it wouldn't be too much extra work. Apparently I'm just fussy about how clean and tidy things are when guests come. I don't think I am. I've met his friend lots of times but I've never met his wife or child so they're not really people I'd feel comfortable slobbing about in front of .

It's also my birthday next month and DH has asked if we can host a BBQ. We've recently had a new garden and he wants to show it off (I suspect this is also why he wants his friends to visit, we've done up the house since his last visit). Well again, all this would mean is a shit ton of extra work for me, while he stands there cooking on the bbq! We have a large family, and couldn't really leave people out so we'd be talking probably 18 adults and 3 extra children.

I struggle to keep on top of day to day stuff as it is! Hate to be a buzzkill but I just cannot be arsed with the extra effort at a time when I've barely got enough energy in me to stay awake reading for half an hour in bed (which is my little bit of self-care I try to fit in each day).

Am I being a miserable unsociable cow? DH keeps saying 'we've got this lovely new garden and nice big home, and all you want to do is sit in it'

I'm happy for him to go and visit his friends if he wants to (even though it means me getting no down time on a weekend) but I really don't want to host at the moment.

AIBU?

Nope. Being generous he may not realise how much extra work it will be.

YABU. It's his home too and he wants to host his friends, your DC aren't newborns and he's asking for one fun weekend which he will help with. You can't hibernate from the world forever.

YANBU. There's so much extra housework involved in hosting people, let alone actually hosting when they're there. I find it's so much work to be left with a trashed house, big food bill and just general tiredness. I love hosting if we have the time to sort things out but in your scenario you have more than enough reason to not host, especially as you're compromising and asking to do so at a later date which should be more convenient for you!

I can understand both your view and your husband's.

I think you'll have to reach a compromise. Maybe just have the BBQ and have his friends to stay at a later date.

Agree with your husband that he will have to help prepare side dishes etc for the BBQ and also help with the cleaning/washing up afterwards.

for the friends YANBU and I think it would be better for you to wait.

For the party: make a list of everything that needs to be done and decide together who is doing what (down to the smallest detail)

Would that work for you?

Sorry, I think you might need to pull out the stops, and bite the bullet, and take the hit. And various other cliches. . .

How about asking people to bring a salad, or a dessert? Disposable plates, cutlery etc. I'm sure your family would pitch in as well, wouldn't they? Maybe a couple of people in charge of kid wrangling?

If it’s just the cleaning and tidying and you’d be happy for him to spend on travel could you instead spend on outsourcing some cleaning? Sorry, very MN answer. Would that mean you could then go on and enjoy it?

Imo your dh is trying to kindly kick your arse into the world of socialibility!!
Your dc will have someone to play with, the dw might be really nice! Dh gets to do the cooking - a plus! And you can relax - it's your home and lovely new garden!! Yabu to not consider his idea!

Maybe he could take a couple of Fridays off to facilitate the visits. That might sort out the issue. If he takes the Friday off to clean/ prepare salads/ buy BBQ food then yes, if he expects you to then you are too tired so it will have to wait.

I can see both sides really, I don't either of you are being that unreasonable, I think you should probably say yes though, like a PP has said it is his home too but they are his friends so you would need to tell him he needs to do the extra work if he wants them to come not just expect you to do all that when you don't even want guests

Tell him it's a fab idea, that you'll book that hotel for yourself and leave the kids at home with him for the weekend while you catch up on sleep.

If he wants to host then he can. Alone.

Yabu. So when will be a good time for you? Many people are in the exact same position as you, just get on with it.

Your position is totally understandable. I’m also a SAHM to a 1&3 yr old; I used to love entertaining and now just can’t be bothered! For all the exact reasons you mentioned! Too tired, and can’t be arsed with even MORE cooking and cleaning and fuss.

I get where your DH is coming from, and adult company is lovely, so is showing off your house; he’s coming from a place of excitement which is quite sweet. I also think it’s very reasonable for you to explain your position and ask him to wait a while.

As a compromise could you book in a weekend with the friends, and then ask DH to spend the weekend before it getting the house ready for you, so you don’t have to do it in the week? Making the spare bed, shopping for extra stuff, menu planning etc. Maybe he just doesn’t realise these things would need doing?! (He might lose his enthusiasm if you gave him the pre-visitor jobs!!)

You are definitely not miserable or unsociable! You are just knackered from kids! (Also, I loathe having extra toddlers in the house to potentially have to entertain, like there isn’t enough of that in the week!)

You could also sleep-train your ten month old so that exhaustion isn't part of the equation.

Your a parent, me and every other parent are tired. Nothing special about your life really 🤷🏻‍♀️

You would very very unreasonable not to host on the reasons you’ve given here

Tell him yes absolutely! As long as he takes the Friday off work so you can both organise the bbq, sort guest room, go grocery shopping, clean up together! I bet he changes his tune.

I would agree to have his friends come over in October half term. Get it booked in now, so that DH knows it is happening.
Tell him that you are fine having a BBQ but the whole thing will be his responsibility, so the shopping, preparing, cooking, clearing up etc. And let him do it. Do not even be tempted to help!

Tell him that if HE wants to host guests it is on the condition that HE takes the Friday beforehand off work to do the shopping, cleaning, bed making and cooking.

You will not be doing the manual labour fir it whilst also looking after a toddler and baby.

Why don't ask him to take some days off, the day before and after? Get food delivered or eat out. Make plans for a full day out to tire out the pre-schoolers.

Say yes, provided he takes some leave to get the house ready for these. He may well change his mind. Ooh, and cleaners for the Mondays afterwards.

TBH I think YABU.

I think you need to get back in the world a bit. I worked full time from when DS was 7 months as well as doing all well the majority of the house things.

I'm not keen on house guests if I'm honest but I think I'd put up with it for a weekend and it will be nice for your 3 year old. And the party will be nice it's only a few hours.

I agree that it might be worth pushing yourself to do. He needs to take on some of the work. IE arranging an online shop, doing laundry, arranging a cleaner.

Maybe if he got up with the kids a couple of nights a week you would have the energy to contemplate hosting. I think he’s got a cheek moaning at you for what is essentially you being too tired to do additional tasks, when it’s mostly because he has a full night’s sleep in his own room six nights a week.

Tell him he needs to take 2 days off before the friends visit to do the house prep (beds etc) and at least a day for the bbq. Cleaning with kids around is so hard! I have a 3yo and a 7 month old and am also barely treading water (currently feeding hence mn) and my 3yo does 2 school days and 3 half days at nursery a week!

I absolutely agree with what you've said and understand it's a hard old slog... but I also agree with your dh. Can you ask him to help with the BBQ etc. Could he take a day off work to do the prep work and maybe the Monday off after your guests leave, so he can do the washing etc?

If you could even suggest you meet in a hotel, or eat out rather than you hosting. Take the pressure off a bit.