Not not want to host at the moment?

[motheroftinydragons]

Opinions please!

DH and I have a three year old and a baby (10m). Three year old currently wakes once a night (usually for the toilet) and baby can be awake anywhere from zero times a night to awake every two hours. I'm a sahm, and I'm currently pretty bloody exhausted. I do all the night stuff (except for at weekends where we take turns and also have one lie in each to catch up) because I'm at home all day and DH has a good hour and a half drive to work each day. He's out of the house 7-7 Monday to Friday.

DH has recently started asking if he can invite one of his university friends, his wife and their three year old over for the weekend. Whilst I'm not opposed to this in principle at all, now just isn't a good time. We're in separate bedrooms at the moment to try to maximise sleep, and tbh weekends are the only time I have to recharge. Hosting friends for a weekend means me getting no rest, doing extra cleaning (our house is kept clean but you know 'extra' cleaning for guests, washing beds etc), cooking, and all the usual hosting stuff. DH would help with the cleaning but he's literally not here, he'd be at work all week then they'd arrive.

I've said can we please leave it until maybe autumn half term or Christmas time (they're teachers so needs to be in holidays so them to come Friday-Monday which is the plan as they live quite a distance away) when hopefully we'll be a bit more settled but DH thinks I'm being miserable at that it wouldn't be too much extra work. Apparently I'm just fussy about how clean and tidy things are when guests come. I don't think I am. I've met his friend lots of times but I've never met his wife or child so they're not really people I'd feel comfortable slobbing about in front of .

It's also my birthday next month and DH has asked if we can host a BBQ. We've recently had a new garden and he wants to show it off (I suspect this is also why he wants his friends to visit, we've done up the house since his last visit). Well again, all this would mean is a shit ton of extra work for me, while he stands there cooking on the bbq! We have a large family, and couldn't really leave people out so we'd be talking probably 18 adults and 3 extra children.

I struggle to keep on top of day to day stuff as it is! Hate to be a buzzkill but I just cannot be arsed with the extra effort at a time when I've barely got enough energy in me to stay awake reading for half an hour in bed (which is my little bit of self-care I try to fit in each day).

Am I being a miserable unsociable cow? DH keeps saying 'we've got this lovely new garden and nice big home, and all you want to do is sit in it'

I'm happy for him to go and visit his friends if he wants to (even though it means me getting no down time on a weekend) but I really don't want to host at the moment.

AIBU?

Just tell him you won’t be doing all the associated cleaning

YANBU but there must be a middle ground. Hosting for a long weekend is hard work- could you maybe pay for cleaner the next Tuesday so take some pressure off of cleaning up afterwards? Cook meals in advance and freeze so minimum fuss on the actual weekend. Having your 3 year old entertained by their child for a weekend could actually make life easier!

For the BBQ I would say YABU other than the fact that its your birthday so in theory you should be able to do whatever you want to do. One BBQ for family will be lovely- hopefully all outside so no mess in the house. If its family ask them to contribute I'm sure they would understand! Sister please make a salad, mum could you bring a pudding etc. Make it easy- jacket spuds, shop bought coleslaw and DH in charge of all meat/cooking. Ice cream or fruit and cream for pudding so no fuss.

It seems a shame to avoid lovely sociable activities where your family and friends will help with and fuss over the kids because of a having to tidy. If your DH is keen make sure everything is back to normal by Sunday eve when hes back to work so the routine starts again on Monday.

I'd compromise - say yes to the family bbq and no to the weekend visit with his friend.

The bbq is just one day and you can tell him he needs to pull his weight so you do the work together. The weekend with friends staying over is just a bridge too far and he will probably take that news more easily if you've said yes to the bbq.

This is just a suggestion, you can of course say no to both if you really are too tired.

I would say yes to the BBQ but only if he took the Friday off to help organise it including planning, food shopping, food prep and cleaning before and afterwards. I stupidly held a BBQ for NCT group when baby was 6 months old and I regretted it as I had to do 99% of the work. Making drinks for 14 adults for hours and trying to look after a baby whilst DH stood there in front of the BBQ. Not again - ever!

YANBU. Suggest to your DH that you go away on your own for the weekend and he can look after his kids and host his friend and his family. He'd be horrified and realise there's a lot of work involved.

Not up for a birthday treat which will land you with a shit ton of extra work, OP? Can’t think why that would be? 🤔 Your DH should really have made it clear at the time of his suggestion that you will clearly be sunning yourself with a cocktail in hand while he does all the running about. Since it’s for your birthday and not that much work anyway...
As for the weekend guests - you didn’t actually say no, you just asked for a grace period to get your baby past an awkward stage and hopefully yourself back to feeling more human. Not seeing anything wrong with that either.

I don't know if you're being reasonable, but I'd feel exactly the same. I could probably handle the BBQ (DH would more than pull his weight though), but I find overnight guests stressful at the best of times.

Presumably if the OP and her husband are in separate bedrooms, there isn’t actually a spare room for this other family to stay in? Unless he moves back in with her.

If you were working full time that's not unreasonable but If you're at home i think yes you are being unreasonable.

Hmm if your DH is willing to do all of the prep (and that means everything - shopping, cleaning, making up beds, cutting the grass etc.) then I’d let him crack on and you can just enjoy yourself. You’ll be tired regardless and I don’t think your DH is unreasonable by wanting to enjoy the garden.

YABU. You need to remember that the whole world doesn't revolve around DCs and let your hair down a little.

If you refuse to enjoy things with your DH, you'll be posting one of the "DH has an OW - should I leave?" threads in a few months...

Fuck off will she. And if she does it won't be because she didn't want to have people to stay when she's awake half the night.

I'd say you'd love him to organise you a BBQ for your birthday. And suggest he takes the Friday off to prepare for hosting his uni friends.

If you refuse to enjoy things with your DH, you'll be posting one of the "DH has an OW - should I leave?" threads in a few months...

That's a fucking awful thing to say.

OP, I think YANBU. If your DH was going to pull his weight then I'd agree with him, but ir sounds like he wants you to do all the donkey work while he shows off to his friends and family. Fuck that. Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you should be doing all the domestic stuff.

We don't have house guests, we send people the details of the nearest hotel. Can't think of anything worse than having guests for anything more than one night. My space is my space.

Yanbu. He's creating an awful lot of work for you. He wants all these guests he can take time off work to prepare and then straighten the house out afterwards.

Its his house too and as long as he helps (tell him exactly what meeds doing) then he should be allowed friends to stay occasionally

I can see both sides. I've got a 9 month old (and other children), and the idea of having people to stay over at the moment is not overly tempting due to tiredness and the fact that the couple of hours in the evening is my only real chance to recharge. However, it can be nice to get out of that rut and see people. Perhaps the suggestion of a bit later in the year but do the bbq if he agrees to help.

Explain your worries, write a list of things that will need to be done, plan who does them when and get on with life.

Having a couple of kids doesn’t mean never hosting. You’re feeling stressed and tired and unsupported and that is what makes you not want to host. Share the burden with dp (I know that’s easier said than done but practice makes perfect). It’s not really fair to not be allowed to have friends round your own house every so often.

DH thinks I'm being miserable at that it wouldn't be too much extra work

So don't assume responsibility for - 'extra' cleaning for guests, washing beds etc), cooking, and all the usual hosting stuff. DH would help with the cleaning but he's literally not here, he'd be at work all week then they'd arrive

His guests so let him get on with it.
Same for the bbq. You do your bit and leave the rest to him to organise and sort out.

You make it sound like he can't socialize at home unless everything is done your way/suits you - like you have no choice but to play the martyr.

Agree with others about just getting on with it and pushing on. Your life sounds quite miserable at the moment - why not try and have a bit of fun!

I would just agree very specific terms with your husband, e.g. he MUST do cleaning, beds, cooking etc when his friend is with you. For the BBQ he must do majority of set up, cooking etc and you will host when people are there. Ask others to bring things e.g. drinks, salads, desserts.

Slightly embarrassing practical tip: my partner and I use Trello to organise these kind of house hold tasks.

YABU
Yep I know you're tired, most of us are tbh

I agree with your husband though - life is for living. You never know what tomorrow may bring so cheer up, chin up, and see your mates!