Not not want to host at the moment?

[motheroftinydragons]

Opinions please!

DH and I have a three year old and a baby (10m). Three year old currently wakes once a night (usually for the toilet) and baby can be awake anywhere from zero times a night to awake every two hours. I'm a sahm, and I'm currently pretty bloody exhausted. I do all the night stuff (except for at weekends where we take turns and also have one lie in each to catch up) because I'm at home all day and DH has a good hour and a half drive to work each day. He's out of the house 7-7 Monday to Friday.

DH has recently started asking if he can invite one of his university friends, his wife and their three year old over for the weekend. Whilst I'm not opposed to this in principle at all, now just isn't a good time. We're in separate bedrooms at the moment to try to maximise sleep, and tbh weekends are the only time I have to recharge. Hosting friends for a weekend means me getting no rest, doing extra cleaning (our house is kept clean but you know 'extra' cleaning for guests, washing beds etc), cooking, and all the usual hosting stuff. DH would help with the cleaning but he's literally not here, he'd be at work all week then they'd arrive.

I've said can we please leave it until maybe autumn half term or Christmas time (they're teachers so needs to be in holidays so them to come Friday-Monday which is the plan as they live quite a distance away) when hopefully we'll be a bit more settled but DH thinks I'm being miserable at that it wouldn't be too much extra work. Apparently I'm just fussy about how clean and tidy things are when guests come. I don't think I am. I've met his friend lots of times but I've never met his wife or child so they're not really people I'd feel comfortable slobbing about in front of .

It's also my birthday next month and DH has asked if we can host a BBQ. We've recently had a new garden and he wants to show it off (I suspect this is also why he wants his friends to visit, we've done up the house since his last visit). Well again, all this would mean is a shit ton of extra work for me, while he stands there cooking on the bbq! We have a large family, and couldn't really leave people out so we'd be talking probably 18 adults and 3 extra children.

I struggle to keep on top of day to day stuff as it is! Hate to be a buzzkill but I just cannot be arsed with the extra effort at a time when I've barely got enough energy in me to stay awake reading for half an hour in bed (which is my little bit of self-care I try to fit in each day).

Am I being a miserable unsociable cow? DH keeps saying 'we've got this lovely new garden and nice big home, and all you want to do is sit in it'

I'm happy for him to go and visit his friends if he wants to (even though it means me getting no down time on a weekend) but I really don't want to host at the moment.

AIBU?

Nope.
If he wants to organise that, he is doing it all and you are resting/relaxing.
If he is happy to do all the shopping, organisation cleaning (before and AFTER), the he can do so. After all, as this wouod be for YOUR birthday, that wouod only be fair.
If he wants friends to come over at the weekend, he can also organise it all and clean etc...
if he finds he doesn’t have time, then te answer is that you dint really have that spare time either. And HE is the one who wants to invite them.

Too easy to grumble and say you are a killjoy when you are not the one to also make all the extra efforts!!

For the posters who say the OP should bite the bullet, organise who is bringing a salad/desserts, who is dojng which part of the cleaning etc...
Can you explain

• why is that it’s the OP who should do all the organising FOR HER BIRTHDAY
• why is it that it’s the OP who should lead the organising for the friends or the BBQ when she isn’t the one who wants that. Why can’t her DH do all the ‘sorting out who is bringing a salad and the dessert as well as any extra task’?
• why is it that the ability to organise a BBQ or a stay over with friends is automatically in HER shoulders as of her DH couldnt possibly know how to do that?

as to why her DH hasn’t actually done all of that automatically rather than moaning that SHE isn’t taking responsibility for something HE wants.

I think YABU. Your DH is asking for two relatively modest things and I think you should do them. If you're shattered get him to do most of the shopping cooking and cleaning but I would try and fix a date for both.

OP YANBU.
You are barely getting through some of your 12 hour days with the children on your own.
Lack of sleep is an absolute killer.

We did an enormous amount of socialising and entertaining, which I loved, before we had children.
With one child we did a bit, but more selective.
Two children, very, very, very selective.
Three children, occasionally for people we both really liked.

It's just too much work on top of everything else going on.

For both occasions he needs to take a day off.
Make a list of all that has to be done with him.
He needs to prepare the beds.
Do the big shop and do all cooking while they stay as you will have the children.
How will he feel about that.

Re the BBQ, let him totally organise it. Again let him make the list of everything he has to do.
Do not get involved bar agreeing to doing a tidy up.

Perhaps seeing how much is involved before and after will focus him.

Don't agree to both. I think the friends could come for one night and see how that goes.

@ComeAndDance because the OP has made it clear that she fears the planning. It's therefore obvious that it's normally her that does the majority of the work for these kinds of events. Nobody is asking her to organise, just to stop saying a blanket NO and readjust expectations with her husband.

Tell him he can host on condition he does absolutely all the associated work, since it is not at all what you want.

I don't think either of you are being totally unreasonable. Perhaps suggest that your husband books a Monday off following the weekend so he can help get things together and give you a chance to have a bit of a rest if you need it.

Thanks for all the replies. A mixed bag it seems.

No way would he take a day off work to help or do what needs doing. Don't make me laugh, my pelvic floor isn't up to it!

He's not lazy, he does his share of the housework at weekends and stuff. But he would just think taking a day off work to get ready for guests is overkill.

And as for 'leave him to it' so what'd happen then is the house would be barely ok, he'd wipe round quickly, maybe change the bed (and yes, bedrooms are all being used at the moment, one for me one for DH, toddler in one baby in nursery so it'd mean DH coming in with me for 3 nights) and that'd be it. I'd feel uncomfortable all weekend having guests who I don't know very well in a messy (or not guest standard clean) house. Our house is fine, for us. But really before we have overnight guests our bathrooms need a deep clean, the room they'd stay in needs a deep clean etc. Not just my usual quick flick with a duster.

No money for a cleaner. We're on one income and DH wouldn't pay for one anyway.

I used to love socialising and hosting. We still do socialise a fair bit, we just get babysitters or take turns going out with our individual friends. At least once a month each it's not like we're stuck in never seeing anyone.

I haven't said blanket NO to weekend guests just asked to do it at a later date. Bbq I'm not opposed to, but on a much smaller scale and not for my birthday (which we couldn't do smaller scale).

As for it'd be fine if I were working but as I'm not I'm UR, I've worked full time all my adult life in a senior position until 3 years ago. Having 2 small children is just as tiring. It's not complex like paid work, no, but fuck me it wipes me out in a way working didn't!

What about waiting for bank holiday, when he is off for a Friday?

I know what you mean. When our children were little, my husband wanted to host BBQs, birthdays, evening catch ups (which I missed due to having to go to bed with the baby!) bonfire night etc. At first I protested then said it was okay. After a couple of years he stopped wanting to host due to the cost, time and effort (I made him help with food and cleaning up). Not to mention it was never reciprocated! I agree with you it's a pain in the area, but if he wants to host then let him. Just make sure you ask him for help with cleaning and providing food/drinks.

I thought of a bank holiday but August is the only one left now until Christmas and that doesn't work for the family for a weekend or members of our family for a bbq.

Ideally I wouldn't mind a small bbq, not for my bday just a casual afternoon with a couple of people (not 20 odd!) and no weekenders until maybe autumn half term.

He steps up and helps or no guests. Simple.
Put your foot down op.

Also, he doesn't get to decide what you do for your birthday! Choose something that you want to do.