AIBU not to have a bedtime routine.

[Fizzlekatz]

I'm a first time mum (and first time poster here) to a 10-week old DS. I've had many a sleepless night over the past couple of months and during this time I've read up on baby sleep (including being sent a mad timetable from "little ones") and have now come to the conclusion that it's all designed to make parents feel anxious and if i commit to follow a schedule or routine it will just stress me out and stop me from enjoying my baby.

So I've made the decision to let my DS sleep on me for long periods of time, to not try and put him down "drowsy but awake" (still unsure what that means); and not to have specific nap or bedtime routine. I do make sure he naps regularly throughout the day and spends the nights in the same place (in DH and my bedroom).

This goes against my usual personality which is to have routine and things scheduled and obviously I do want him to eventually sleep well (at the moment he's still waking every 1-2 hours) but I figure he's a baby and probably nothing I do is going to change that right now.

Experienced mums what do you think? Do I have the right attitude or am I creating a sleepless monster and a rod for my own back for the future? Your thoughts are really appreciated!

I breastfed and coslept till DS was 3 so I'm probably at the extreme edge of 'no bed time routine' but I think its fine.

But honestly, not having a routine was great for us when DS was a baby. DS slept happily on anyone, napped anywhere, could be taken out in the evenings etc (weddings etc).

And DC are adaptable, and change month by month in terms of their needs. I'm not sure there are such things as 'rods for backs' sleepwise. A 10 week old will be nothing like a 10m old or a 18m old. I've been away from DS for 2 nights at a time before, and when I had to stop breastfeeding cold turkey (medication) he was fine after 2 or 3 days.

Following with interest! DS is 12 weeks and usually wakes 2 hourly overnight. We co sleep, and don't really have a routine.

I was looking into littles ones, but not sure if it's worth it!

Difficult when all the mums at my baby class say their babies sleep all night without waking and have done since 6 weeks! I don't believe all of them but I'm definitly jealous

This is 100% fine. The routine will come later when you need it. Your instinct is saying do what you’re doing now for good reason.

Baby is so tiny when baby is ready for the routine you will know (and you will be too!)

If it works now and isn’t causing issues then it’s not a problem. Crack on.
If it’s causing issues and you want things to change, then change.

Sleep is precious, mental health is precious, I truly believe you cannot make a rod for your back.

I never implemented a routine with mine. All 3 eventually settled into their own routine of sorts from one who loved to be in his cot but 6.30 pm to another who coslept until he was gone three. I found it all far less stressful to go with the flow.

We still aren’t strict with routines and they are aged 3-8 years.

Also ‘drowsy but awake’ is so mythical it’s almost up there with unicorns in existing.

Oh my god he’s so little. Just enjoy the cuddles. Bedtime routine started for us because a bath always seemed to nip cluster feeding in the bud. Stop reading what your baby should be doing and just enjoy him. I loved how easily I drifted off when my baby slept on my chest. Now she is a giant lump and it’s no longer possible!

My dd is 6 months and we have never had a routine for day time or night time sleeping although what have found is that we have fell into a loose routine naturally and tbh she has always been an OK sleeper and is doing great just lately.

What I have figured is that about 1.5hours after a feed through the day she will be tired. She doesn't like cuddles so I either put her in her travel cot downstairs or lay her on my legs and she sleeps. Night time we always have a bottle about half 8 / 9. She then wants to be in her own space so I put her in cot in our room and she talks and plays with her teddies until she drifts off. Sleeps right through now. It's great.

Depends how long you want to be getting up in the night tbh. If you’re not fussed then worry about it when they start at nursery/school but though he’s still very tiny I’d be thinking months rather than years to getting into good habits and bedtime routine/self settling etc. Learning to sleep and winding down is a life skill, and it often needs teaching in a way that people don’t expect.

I'm definitely a pro bedtime routine mum. My 14 week old DD goes to bed at 7pm, I dream feed her at 10-10.30, she wakes once at 3am for a bottle and then wakes for the day at 7ish. We did the same for DD1.

I don't have a strict daytime routine but I have started putting her in her crib for daytime sleeps now rather than letting her sleep on me.

Each to their own - do what's best for you!!

No routine here breast fed 16 months co slept and went back to work at 2 weeks with him for 6 months (my own salon) if I had had a routine I would have gone batshit ! One more thing to feal lacking about - I found my friends that had routines were very anxious and more stressed just my opinion. Do what works for you ❤️

Come back in 2 years when you are perhaps pregnant with another or have a newborn. Come back and tell us your toddler won’t sleep by themselves, nobody else can put them down even for a nap, you have to lie next to them for hours on end etc etc. Yep, you’re making that rod right now.

I agree, if it's working for you to be easy going about things then just go with it.

I also worried loads about this with my son in the early days and the more I read online the more frantic I was that I needed to be implementing all these rules...all your baby needs is to be fed, safe and loved. They have only been on the outside world for 10 weeks!

You'll probably find you fall into a natural routine later, which you can then tweak to suit you. Enjoy this precious time, it just zooms by!

Oh bugger off Maddie.
How about you recognise the new mother OP and be kind. Just be bloody kind. Give advice, not an insult dressed as advice.

@maddiemookins16mum

Funnily enough I had 3 dc in 5 years and not having a routine wasn’t an issue. Making a rod for your back is such a shitty saying used to berate parents.

If your mother's intuition is telling you that your baby would benefit from no bedtime routine then go for it! No-one knows your baby like you do.

Although I have a bedtime routine, I've never been in the 'drowsy but awake' club and also let my ds nap on me loads until he was physically too heavy to be laying on me for long periods (around 9 months). Both these things attracted criticism (e.g. health visitors) but I followed my mother's intuition and the nap thing was great for bonding (I miss it terribly!). My baby isn't the best sleeper now (nearly 11 months) but not terrible either and sometimes sleeps through.

Always trust your instinct as a mother, even if this means ignoring advice from people who are close to you

Think there is a balance to be had. But definitely don't waste these precious early weeks stressing out about a strict routine! I would however make sure baby is napping regularly but not too much. I would also try nail cot naps/nights before 4 months. ..

Do what works for you at this stage. Your baby is still tiny.

We started a loose bedtime routine about 12 weeks, which was just a series of things we did pre bedtime such as bath, massage, book, etc. I find it helpful for signposting that it's bedtime and it can be replicated anywhere.

My DD has always slept in her cot as I don't like co-sleeping overly and I need my own space, but it's only in the last three weeks or so (she's almost 20 weeks) that we've shifted to a 7pm bedtime and putting her down into bed awake and her going to sleep herself.

However, she has been a good sleeper from birth and has never been up hourly even as a newborn (bar the odd bad night) so it's a lot easier to have a routine when you have a baby who will sleep for long chunks. When you have a frequent waker like yours I think you have to do whatever gets you through!

Did the same with child number 2 and loved it no expectations no disappointment- do what works for you and your family x

Do what works for you OP.
Your baby is so young.
All this "making a rod for your back" is total shite.
At that age my babies slept in my arms until we both snuggled down in the same bed together.

Do what feels right.

You do whatever works for you but I always found a routine really helpful. Bath, story, bottle bed (from around 5 weeks I think). Obviously DD was still up and a down like a yo-yo as a newborn but by 3 months it really seemed to work. She’s always been a dream going to bed and loves bedtime. Friends who I’ve thought were v cool and relaxed and flexible with babies now struggling with toddler who won’t sleep separately, won’t go to bed etc so for me routine worked well.

Well if it works for you fine. It certainly would not have worked for me. I had a strict bedtime routine from day one and it kept me sane. I needed to know my baby would be in bed (in their own room) by a certain hour and I would have time alone with my husband. My first child was a good sleeper but my second would take a long time to settle. But perseverance and at three months it clicked with her too.
I must add I never left them to cry. I always went in to comfort them but I didn’t lift them just patted/stroked them until they settled again. I also had a looser daytime schedule as we were often out and about. But I rarely let them sleep on me as had too much to get on with.
The result was I kept some semblance of adult life going on. I worked two weeks on two weeks off. I needed the children to follow a routine to make all our lives work together. And they did. My life didn’t become subsumed by the fact I was a mother.

My DC are now 6 and 3; we've never had a bedtime routine. Not only are they both good sleepers but they are both flexible, able to stay up late for special occasions/holidays/whenever and then have a lie-in the next day. I would find a routine very tying.

Maddimookins - as someone 3 years on from where OP is (and pregnant too) I'm fine thanks. DS and DH went on an impromptu weekend away without me last weekend.

Oh and routine and schedule are not synonymous. We have a routine but our schedule in terms of timing is entirely flexible depending on what we are doing. We are out at different times every day doing things so we don't have strict times. But a bedtime routine is something that can be done at any time.