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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’ve been unreasonable and can’t deal with it

67 replies

ConfusedKoala · 27/06/2019 13:02

I have/had a lovely DP who I love more than anything. Ive struggled with saying no to alcohol in a social setting and once I start I can’t seem to stop. Both my parents have alcohol issues so I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to go drink-free.

I intended to have one glass of wine with evening food with my friends and when I woke up the next day I’d been drinking all night and I’d called my ex then turned up at his house. It was to argue, I don’t have any feelings for him he just recently did something horrible towards me and I got in a drunken rage wanting to fight.

I admitted everything and my DP has left me, I’ve hurt him and I don’t think there’s any going back. He doesn’t believe that I don’t want my ex and that’s that.

I would have never done anything of the sort sober and I promised previously I would stop drinking coz things like this keep happening. I believed I could do it but now Ive broken that promise, and not just the once.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. I’ve accepted full responsibility and just have to accept that I’ve lost the love of my life because I couldn’t turn down a few drinks (I even went out to see my friends without any money to stop myself)

I’m so ashamed and I know IABU, has anyone got any advice? I don’t know how to move on and how to stop myself drinking because I genuinely don’t want to do it (I actually can’t understand why I did)

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2019 13:05

You need treatment for your alcoholism. As soon as possible.

CustardySergeant · 27/06/2019 13:07

It sounds as though going to AA would be best for you. You're going to need support to give up alcohol.

Whatevs235 · 27/06/2019 13:08

Try AA

SomewhereInbetween1 · 27/06/2019 13:08

Seek help, or this will keep destroying your life.

SavageBeauty73 · 27/06/2019 13:11

AA. My ex ruined his life and relationships with everyone. If you don't know what's going to happen after the first drink, don't have the first drink. One day at a time. Good luck.

Ijumpedtheshark · 27/06/2019 13:12

Try the coach.me app. It’s free and there’s a great support group on there of people all going alcohol free.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 13:12

Your starting point needs to be sorting the drink problem, because it will sabotage all of your best efforts if you don’t. AA is a good place to start.

Once you’re in control of your life, there will be so many more avenues open to you. It might be too late for you to make amends with your DP, but at least you will know you did the right thing by seeking help.

You are strong enough to do this

MyOpinionIsValid · 27/06/2019 13:14

Theres no such things as 'one glass' . You have to stop. And like other posters have advised, you need intervention, AA perhaps

Monsterinmypocket · 27/06/2019 13:22

How did you get drunk with no money? Do your friends encourage it? They should be helping you.

The only way you can get this guy back is by actually going sober first. I've been with a guy like this and I loved him dearly, but he was a nightmare with drink, so I left. I became invisible when he was drunk. I'm so glad I don't have to spend weekends wondering where my OH is or scraping them off the floor anymore.

AA isn't for everyone and there are other support groups too, but it would be a good start. Hopefully this will be the event that changes everything. Best of luck.

MitziK · 27/06/2019 13:23

You didn't love him more than anything. You love the feeling of drinking more than him - which is why he's left you; not because of the seeing your ex, because of your choice to drink.

See your GP and get referred to the local Drugs and Alcohol Service.

Today.

And leave both your exes alone. You have to deal with this yourself.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 27/06/2019 13:26

I would love to know how old you are because, honestly, it sounds like you are 18 and that this is a bit of a non issue. Yes, you are drinking too much, "love of my life"... mmmm, well, if he truly were, he wouldnt have left and you wouldnt have risked it in the first place.

RedDogsBeg · 27/06/2019 13:26

Unfortunately, ConfusedKoala you don't love your dp more than anything as your inability to give up alcohol despite your promises to do so attests.

Your dp has chosen to protect himself by walking away and you cannot blame him for that as you have admitted this is not the first time something has happened. You say things keep happening as if you are a passive bystander, they don't and you are not, they are caused by you drinking and actively making the decision to do so.

You can only give up alcohol for you, because you want to. If you truly do want to stop drinking you need help to do so.

I hope you can take control of your life and become free of this destructive addiction.

WhyTho · 27/06/2019 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheeshazAZ09 · 27/06/2019 13:31

You have to deal with your alcholism before even thinking about trying to get your DP back. It would be grossly unfair of you to approach him with more promises while you still have this problem, only to betray him once again down the road. Naturally he may not still be free by the time you are clean and stable, but if you lose him, you can at least start looking for a new relationship with a clear conscience.

marinova · 27/06/2019 13:32

I'm a recovered alcoholic. I have been sober a year now, but drinking nearly cost me my marriage and job. I could never just stop at one, I was in complete denial about my problem. Everytime I said I would stop at one, three bottles of wine later and no memory of the night before as I would hate myself and drank more. I didnt use AA it wasnt for me, I used two apps easy quit drinking and daybreak. Maybe try them? But honestly the most important step is realising that you cant control yourself and stopping is the only way

ReganSomerset · 27/06/2019 13:35

Definitely alcoholics anonymous. I have a friend that really turned her life around with the twelve step program. Sounds like you've hit rock bottom and, believe it or not, that's a good thing in terms of recovery. You've got to want to change and be able to accept that that means no more alcohol. Ever.

Fundays12 · 27/06/2019 13:37

You have a drink problem that will destroy you and those around you that you love life’s unless you stop drinking. This is much easier said than done. You need help call AA ASAP. You can’t just have one drink when you are an alcoholic.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 27/06/2019 13:37

Drinking is an issue, admittedly, I never used to drink much, but I do find myself having a binge on a Friday night these days, whether I intended to or not. Problem is that "one" always leads to two, because your inhibitions come tumbling down. You need to try and just stop for at least a while if you feel this is starting to detrimentally affect your life.

There will be other men, I dont think that should be the concern.

Belenus · 27/06/2019 13:39

See your GP and get referred to the local Drugs and Alcohol Service.

This.

Not this. This isn't how addiction works. At the moment it's controlling you and you need medical help. It's not enough to have someone you love and who loves you asking you to stop, unfortunately. And he absolutely will have left even if you felt like the love of his life, because he needs to protect himself.

Do take this seriously OP. It will difficult to stop, but much easier now than 20 years down the line.

Yukka · 27/06/2019 13:41

I also think the AA, via a conversation with your GP, there will be many services you can access to gain support. This isn't a 'I couldn't turn down a few drinks' thing', it is alcoholism. You drank so much you barely remember what happened, and don't know why you did those things. That's not normal.

Once you've had those conversations I would also share openly with your friends, given I assume they bought you the alcohol you didn''t intend to drink. You need their support and they can't do that.

As for DP, well, this was obviously the last straw in a pattern f behaviour, as you say it wasn't the first time this has happened. I would focus less on DP and more on yourself, r any other relationship in the future will end in the same way. You guys might work it out, you don't know, but shouldn't be the focus of your actions right now as that wouldn't be the right prioritisation. DP probably needs some space anyway.

Good luck.

noonarna · 27/06/2019 13:41

Its really hard to accept when you have a problem and have made mistakes, so well done you for getting that far.

You can't control what you DP does or feels. The only action you can take now is to properly look after yourself and make decisions to ensure your life improves. You can't carry on this way. Seek professional help for alcohol addiction with you and your own healthy and safety as the motivation.

The damage between you may be irreparable, or you might get back together... but this is the only way forwards.

Isatis · 27/06/2019 13:46

You are deceiving yourself if you think you can stick to one glass. The only way to stay sober and get rid of your addiction is to keep right off anything alcoholic at all. Get to AA as soon as you can before your resolution weakens.

Annasgirl · 27/06/2019 13:49

Well a family member who was in AA always said that you have to hit rock bottom before you really accept the hard change you need to make. It seems that this may be your rock bottom. Please go to an AA meeting and get support. Your DP would be a fool to take you back as you are - and I would say this if you were a man and he was a woman too - you need to get support and get sober without him. Someday he may date the new you, or you may meet someone else, but right now, you need to be alone.

ShatnersWig · 27/06/2019 13:54

I would love to know how old you are because, honestly, it sounds like you are 18 and that this is a bit of a non issue. Yes, you are drinking too much, "love of my life"... mmmm, well, if he truly were, he wouldn't have left and you wouldn't have risked it in the first place

Sorry to be blunt, Fighting, but this is bullshit.

PleaseDoLeave · 27/06/2019 14:02

Can we wait until we know the (at least rough) age before we decide its bullshit?

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