Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve been unreasonable and can’t deal with it

67 replies

ConfusedKoala · 27/06/2019 13:02

I have/had a lovely DP who I love more than anything. Ive struggled with saying no to alcohol in a social setting and once I start I can’t seem to stop. Both my parents have alcohol issues so I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to go drink-free.

I intended to have one glass of wine with evening food with my friends and when I woke up the next day I’d been drinking all night and I’d called my ex then turned up at his house. It was to argue, I don’t have any feelings for him he just recently did something horrible towards me and I got in a drunken rage wanting to fight.

I admitted everything and my DP has left me, I’ve hurt him and I don’t think there’s any going back. He doesn’t believe that I don’t want my ex and that’s that.

I would have never done anything of the sort sober and I promised previously I would stop drinking coz things like this keep happening. I believed I could do it but now Ive broken that promise, and not just the once.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. I’ve accepted full responsibility and just have to accept that I’ve lost the love of my life because I couldn’t turn down a few drinks (I even went out to see my friends without any money to stop myself)

I’m so ashamed and I know IABU, has anyone got any advice? I don’t know how to move on and how to stop myself drinking because I genuinely don’t want to do it (I actually can’t understand why I did)

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 27/06/2019 14:04

You now know you need outside help to manage the drinking problem.
There's no 'cure' as such, it's always going to be down to your willpower - and the kind of company you keep.

Part of your recovery will be re-assessing your friends/company - and how open you are with them.
I'm sure your friends/family are also aware of the issues that arise from your drinking - so you need to ask yourself (and them) why they're not taking it/you seriously?
You deliberately went out with no money so you wouldn't buy any alcohol, so why did they buy you alcohol?
It doesn't matter that you wheedled/manipulated (on some level you did) drinks and accepted them, that's part of the nature of addiction.
What matters is that you were supplied alcohol - LOTS of alcohol by people who are supposed to care about you and have your best interests at heart.

I told my friends when i was setting limits to manage my drinking.
I've done the only taking enough money out 2 drinks and a taxi home, my friends respected that - even when they were drunk - and would only get me soft drinks if they wanted to buy me a drink.
On the occasions i got myself drunk they still looked after me.
There were others friends i had to let go of cos they either overtly or covertly sabotaged me.
Some cos they just didn't actually care and others because they probably secretly got some sort of kick out of it.

BishopofBathandWells · 27/06/2019 14:13

Sorry @Fighting, I don't think your comments are helpful. Her age is irrelevant and the "plenty more fish in the sea" comment unhelpful. If you've lived with a drunk it doesn't matter how much you love them, you have to leave to protect your own sanity.

OP I hope the fact you've reached out on here means you're ready to address the problem. It will continue to affect your relationships with absolutely everyone if you don't stop drinking. Do you have children? I'm sorry, I don't recall you mentioning them.

ShatnersWig · 27/06/2019 14:14

PleaseDoLeave The OPs age is irrelevant in terms of her DP wouldn't have left her over this if he wasn't the love of her life. You can love someone but not have to put up with shit you don't like. This isn't a one-off incident. The OP clearly said "I promised previously I would stop drinking coz things like this keep happening. I believed I could do it but now I've broken that promise, and not just the once.

That's what I was calling bullshit about. If your DP repeatedly gets pissed to this extent, have previously promised to sort themselves out, and broken that promise more than once, he is perfectly entitled to say "enough". It doesn't follow he doesn't love her because he wasn't prepared to keep putting up with shit.

If this was a woman posting about a man behaving in this way, I don't think anyone would accuse the woman choosing to leave after repeated problems of "not loving her man enough".

ShatnersWig · 27/06/2019 14:16

You can be an abuser of alcohol at any age. Age is immaterial.

AuntieJuice · 27/06/2019 14:19

Just popping in to recommend this. The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober - www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1912023385/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_HgmfDbMY0CKN7?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Very accessible, approachable and practical. Wishing you lots of good vibes for your journey ahead.

S1naidSucks · 27/06/2019 14:19

FightingForSMsEverywhere That’s absolute nonsense. Many years ago one of my fiends ended up in hospital, because of his alcoholism. He was 18yrs old and we, in our innocent youth, thought he was just having a good time, because we all drank when we went out.

I have custody of my sister’s, now adult children, due to her alcoholism. She didn’t drink every day, but could never stop at just one. Her behaviour destroyed her relationship with her children.

Thisnamechanger · 27/06/2019 14:30

Hello OP,

When did this happen and how are you feeling now?

Hug for you.

caringcarer · 27/06/2019 14:49

I know there is a drug that you can take that reacts badly with any alcohol at all and after you have taken it you will be violently sick if you have even a drop of alcohol. Could you get your GP to prescribe it for you? Try to learn from your mistake. Say no to even a drop.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/06/2019 14:56

Get yourself to an AA meeting, today. They're all around you, you can find one if you really want. If a more secular approach is appealing to you, see if there's a Life Ring meeting in your area (it's more US based, but it is in the UK). They're harder to find, so start with AA to get the support you need.

See your GP about doing a medical detox (depending on how long/how much you've been drinking) and talk about a prescription for Antabuse.

As far as your DP, it is his decision as to whether or not he wants to live with an alcoholic. Tell him you understand that your alcoholism has caused him to leave and that although you are heartbroken and seeking help you will respect his decision. Then leave him be.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic and this is what he had to do in order to get and stay sober. He's got 4 years sober now and is so much happier and at peace with himself.

Meyoumeanmeh · 27/06/2019 15:15

Please go and speak to you GP to see if there is any local support for stopping drinking. If you could do it alone you would have done so by now.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/how-to-reduce-your-drinking/how-to-cut-down/how-to-stop-drinking-alcohol-completely/

www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-support/

www.aa.org

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 15:19

You poor, poor girl, ConfusedKoala. I really feel for you.

I don't have to tell you what not to do, you already know. Don't touch alcohol. You're obviously very sensitive to it - so am I so I don't have it but it doesn't bother me. It may bother you but still you must not drink.

No advice from me regarding your boyfriend. You went too far and he wants out of the relationship, no one can blame him. It's sad for you but relationships simply cannot be your priority right now.

Take care of yourself.
Flowers

shhhFFS · 27/06/2019 15:41

www.oneyearnobeer.com/

Have a look at this, I keep seeing it on SM and am contemplating it myself to break some bad habits

Meowington · 27/06/2019 15:42

You need treatment for alcoholism like... now!! If you don’t losing your DP will be the first of many, many losses! My Mum was an alcoholic and she wrecked my life (I’ve rebuilt it but it’s taken years)! The drink killed her in her 40s. It’s a very real and serious thing and this could be your future!

Although what worries me is you say you don’t want to stop and sadly from experience I know that means you won’t! You need to hit rock bottom and you haven’t!

SirTobyBelch · 27/06/2019 15:52

Disulfiram (Antabuse® is an American brand name, not the name of the drug) should not be prescribed by GPs. In any case it wouldn't be the first-line approach to managing alcohol withdrawal and it should be used in combination with psychological therapies. Going to the GP and asking for a prescription for disulfiram wouldn't be helpful.

Unfortunately, the OP is unlikely to be referred directly to a psychiatrist, as there are so many people with the same problem. It's more likely that the GP will refer her for "brief intervention" with a counsellor, with recommendations of alcohol support networks. She should keep up contact with the GP to make sure that referral to specialist services does happen if/when necessary. If drug treatment is initiatied I think it's more likely to be nalmefene, naltrexone or acamprosate than disulfiram. Disulfiram would be more likely to be used to help someone who has already stopped drinking to maintain abstinence.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/06/2019 15:54

There are some good threads on here about quitting drinking / staying sober. Just trying to remember the name? I was married to a guy who had alcohol problems, so I do have sympathy for your partner I’m afraid. I do hope though that this is the wake up call you need, and that you can overcome this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2019 15:57

You need treatment for your alcoholism. As soon as possible.

This. There isn't anything else to be said, really. All the relationship drama and exes and so on, they are completely secondary. Sort your shit out and remain sober and single for a year before you even think about relationships.

Original poster
ConfusedKoala · 27/06/2019 16:00

Thank you so much for all your messages, I don’t know why but I assumed AA was just an American thing, there’s poor health services where I live (rurally) but I will travel to a city to access one, I feel determined

I’ve been very embarrassed to admit there was ever a problem and have just blamed everyone else for my behaviour... i feel ready to do something about it even without DP I’m just ashamed that I hurt him and regret it

Sorry if I sounded so young and naive, I’m 30 and divorced with two DC to a previous partner. I’ve never been treated so well by another human until now so I do believe he’s the love of my life. Which is why I’m so ashamed that I hurt him. I never drink in the house or when I have the kids. I binge drink in the town at weekends and used this to justify me “not having a problem” because I’d associate alcohol problems to needing a drink in your hands at all times. It seems I’ve been in denial for literally years

This year I was sexually assaulted as a direct outcome of my drinking as I blacked out and I’ve applied for counselling but never admitted that drink was a problem... not until today really

I really appreciate all the kind messages and even the tough love ones. God knows we all need it sometimes

I’ve downloaded the suggested apps so thank you! And I’m looking now for some AA support.

For the person who asked if my friends bought me drinks, yes they did we have a really small-town “nothing else to do” drink culture. But I opened up to them today and they’ve said they’ll support me and we will go for walks/gym/other social activities that don’t involve the pub so I was really overwhelmed by that support

So sorry for the long response! Blush

OP posts:
SkintAsASkintThing · 27/06/2019 16:01

Well at least you're admitting you have a problem. There's a start.

I have a family member with a similar issue........her current tactic seems to be to attack people who.point out her behaviour isn't ok then tell them she's taken an overdose because of them. (( She hasn't. But I'm just waiting for.the girl who cried wolf moment )) ........I think I need to start my own thread 🤔

Either ways. You need to.sort this out. Not for your partner. But for yourself.

islanderin · 27/06/2019 16:03

Sweetheart. Go on holiday. Find a beautiful person who makes you forget about drink. You are strong, you got this. #anew

Wildorchidz · 27/06/2019 16:08

Sweetheart. Go on holiday. Find a beautiful person who makes you forget about drink. You are strong, you got this. #anew

🙄

BadBear · 27/06/2019 16:12

You've admitted the problem. That's the first thing. Well done. Now focus on extending the periods without alcohol.

Don't do it for your DP, do it for you. You have to heal yourself and get over it for yourself. Get as much help as you can find because it won't be easy. You've already started the recovery by admitting this, carry on with it.

Original poster
ConfusedKoala · 27/06/2019 16:13

Just to add I don’t blame my partner for walking away at all, I do believe he still loves me but ive hurt him and he deserves to be happy

I think me getting better (not to get him back but for me and the kids sake) is what needs to happen, him leaving was probably just the catalyst. But I’m just talking the talk until I do something about it

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 27/06/2019 16:14

Find a beautiful person who makes you forget about drink
Nice sentiment. Utter horseshit and quite a dangerous and naive thing to suggest really. So yes have another one of these 🙄

Teddybear45 · 27/06/2019 16:16

Go to AA and don’t kid yourself that you can moderate your intake. Alcoholics can’t. You absolutely must give up alcohol entirely.