To think she should have postponed her visit?

[RealhousewifeofEngland]

This is a MIL I'm afraid.

My mother died quite suddenly a little while ago whilst I was heavily pregnant. I was understandably shocked and distraught. We had also just moved into a new house that we had done a lot of renovation work to so life was pretty stressful.

Less than a week after my mother's death my MIL had booked to come and visit. She only lives a few hours away and visits for 6 days at a stretch several times a year. Despite my mothers sudden death MIL did not rearrange her visit, or even ask if it was still ok for her to come. The visit was all too soon for me and I wanted time to grieve without a visitor. Having MIL visit our new house for the first time was a stark reminder that my own mum would never get to see it.

MIL likes to eat out every night and drinks quite a bit. So I found myself sitting in pubs looking after my elder child whilst MIL and DH drank. At that point I would have liked a drink myself but obviously couldn't being pregnant. If I try to not join them when they go out it becomes a big deal, and I'm made out to be sulking or whatever.
Both DH and MIL also always expect me to decide where they are going to eat. I wasn't really in the mood so I refused to come up with ideas for them. I had no appetite myself at all in any case. So we'd spend at least an hour going back and forth about where they were going for dinner, all because I refused to take charge for them.

MIL also talked quite a lot about her own mothers death the year before. I know she may have been trying to empathise but the comparison annoyed me. Her mother was almost 100 and they had known she was dying so had been able to say goodbye. My mum was in her 60's and just went. I had no chance to say goodbye or prepare. I know it's not a competition but it just wasn't what I wanted to talk about at that early stage. I also had to listen to her feeling sorry for herself that she herself would probably not be alive to see her grandchildren (my children)grow up. Not what I want to hear when my own mum will never even meet one of my children.

I know I'm waffling a bit but this is just to give an idea of the visit and why I felt quite resentful. I ended up taking myself off to a Hotel as I just couldn't stand to be around at home. Rightly, or wrongly I felt my home had been invaded and that DH and MIL were playing happy families as though nothing had happened. Incidentally neither contacted me when I left to see if I was ok, and they did not know where I had gone to. When I returned the next day DH was furious with me for being a "brat" and making MIL feel so bad.

So I guess my question is was I /am I unreasonable to think she really ought to have postponed the visit?

So as not to be accused of drip feeding, MIL and I are not close. I find her selfish, needy and manipulative in general.

YANBU - but how come your DH didn't have a word and tell her to postpone?

I can't believe he expected you to play happy families out and about at pubs while he and his mum drank less than a week after your mum's death. And he called you a brat? That's shocked me.

Yadnbu
I'm so sorry about your mum

Firstly, so sorry about your Mum.

Of course she should have postponed, but your DH should also have your back in all this. Why isn't he standing up for you?

Just play the pregnancy card, "I'm sorry, I can't come out tonight, I'm exhausted/feeling sick/whatever works." Or do they just expect you to be their designated driver while they sit there getting sloshed?

How dare your DH call you a brat.

I'm terribly sorry about your loss. I can only imagine how you feel. Hope you find the inner resources to fight this! 🌷

Now back to the MIL problem, it sounds like you have more of a DH problem. I hAve the same issue with MIL, She visits about once a year for a week. My DP doesn't let her come when I hAve a busy period at work or exams at uni. he wouldn't accept her to stress me at all.

Why didn't you ask / tell her to postpone it? Never expect others to guess what you're feeling, however obvious your feelings might seem to be. It's a recipe for disaster. Communicate clearly and then if they still act unreasonably you can call them out on it.

In DH's eyes MIL is family and he can't see why she shouldn't have come. Their family comes from a culture where families all live together and are always welcome at each other's houses.

Yes of course the visit should have been postponed. And if that wasn't possible your h should have managed his own mother.
And when you were visibly distressed to the point of having to book yourself a hotel, whilst heavily pregnant, the penny really should jaw dropped.
He and his Mum sound exceptionally selfish and lacking in empathy.
Sorry for your loss Op-that's an awful lot to deal with, with zero support from your husband.

Wow, that's just awful OP! Yes your MIL should have delayed her visit or at the very least checked that it was still ok to come. Why does she have to visit for 6 days at a time? Surely 2-3 days would be sufficient I'd she's only a few hours away? I'm shocked too at your husband's attitude to you when you're grieving. He really should have understood your emotional state and had your back in this.

I'm so sorry for your loss .

There are 2 reasons I didn't tell her not to come.

1. I was sort of immersed in my own shock and grief and trying to find out what had happened etc, MIL's visit wasn't really in my head and I had no idea it would be too much for me until she was there. I could have used DH stepping in or for MIL to have had enough sensitivity to have postponed.

2. I had previously asked MIL to cancel a visit as DH and I were going through a bad patch. She ignored my message and called DH to complain that she wanted to see her grandchild. As I said I find her selfish in general.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all but I do think you need to speak up so you don't stew on it
So sorry about your mum it must be hard for you at the moment

I’m sorry about your mum. I lost mine when she was in her fifties and me early twenties and I know the pain.

You’re not unreasonable to have wanted your MIL not to visit, but you’re being a bit unreasonable if you never said a word to her or DH about not wanting her to come, people aren’t mind readers and for all you know they wrongly thought carrying on with normality would be useful and a distraction. How come you didn’t tell her not to visit?

Just seen your second post. Don’t think anyone is BU here. Just a lack of communication.

Your DH is a twat. Tell him you expect him to be trailing around restaurants and pubs less than a week after his mum dies.
I’d be far more annoyed at him than her.

You definitely have a husband problem OP. He's the one who needs both barralls and each time she comes to visit tell him you'll be booking into a hotel and leaving the kids at home with him if he's going to carry on being a shit husband.

You’re not unreasonable to have wanted your MIL not to visit, but you’re being a bit unreasonable if you never said a word to her or DH about not wanting her to come, people aren’t mind readers

Only people who are selfish and without empathy would not 'get it' without being told

You're miles and dh have been massively insensitive

I was confused about you saying your mum would never meet one of your children, presumably she met the elder? Sorry for your loss

You need to put your foot down about visits if it's making you stressed during pregnancy. DH/MIL sound a bit odd tbh, they can decide where to eat themselves and should understand not to drag you along

I hate the 6 day visits! I feel very intruded upon. DH won't hear of telling her it's too long though. Probably because if he did MIL would cry and pull the "don't have long left to live" card.

She has no reason to think this btw. No illness, only in her early 70's and from a family with a history of longevity. It's a manipulation tactic.

To clarify I'm not pregnant now. This happened when I was pregnant with my second child. That child has since been born. My own mum met my elder child but obviously died without ever meeting my second child.

I think taking yourself off to a hotel was a genius idea. And I would it again. Every bloody single time she turns up for a 6-day visit.

Even if it's just for one night of the 6. Leave DC with DH and MIL and have a bloody lovely night off. Tell DH it's too much and he'll have to step up to help enable HIS mother to visit.

Not unreasonable at all! You did what was best for you at a time when THEY should have been doing what was best for you. Your mil should have had the decency to postpone her visit...or your DH should have told her to postpone. Sorry for the loss of your mum 💐 x

Your husband is a real son of a bitch. He's despicable and one day you should return the favor when he loses a family member

YANBU. Your husband should have stood up for you and paid attention to where you were at emotionally during that horrible time.

It seems like this happened a while ago, and it's still bothering you for good reason. Have you thought about going to counselling with DH to talk through how his actions made you feel at that vulnerable time?

Did you contact her and tell her not to come and she came anyway, or was DH supposed to do it but never did?

Your MIL doesn't sound great but honestly think you have a "D" H problem

I'd be tempted to point out to him that if he carries on like that his family won't be all living together as you'll be taking the children to live elsewhere.