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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should have postponed her visit?

55 replies

RealhousewifeofEngland · 27/06/2019 10:43

This is a MIL I'm afraid.

My mother died quite suddenly a little while ago whilst I was heavily pregnant. I was understandably shocked and distraught. We had also just moved into a new house that we had done a lot of renovation work to so life was pretty stressful.

Less than a week after my mother's death my MIL had booked to come and visit. She only lives a few hours away and visits for 6 days at a stretch several times a year. Despite my mothers sudden death MIL did not rearrange her visit, or even ask if it was still ok for her to come. The visit was all too soon for me and I wanted time to grieve without a visitor. Having MIL visit our new house for the first time was a stark reminder that my own mum would never get to see it.

MIL likes to eat out every night and drinks quite a bit. So I found myself sitting in pubs looking after my elder child whilst MIL and DH drank. At that point I would have liked a drink myself but obviously couldn't being pregnant. If I try to not join them when they go out it becomes a big deal, and I'm made out to be sulking or whatever.
Both DH and MIL also always expect me to decide where they are going to eat. I wasn't really in the mood so I refused to come up with ideas for them. I had no appetite myself at all in any case. So we'd spend at least an hour going back and forth about where they were going for dinner, all because I refused to take charge for them.

MIL also talked quite a lot about her own mothers death the year before. I know she may have been trying to empathise but the comparison annoyed me. Her mother was almost 100 and they had known she was dying so had been able to say goodbye. My mum was in her 60's and just went. I had no chance to say goodbye or prepare. I know it's not a competition but it just wasn't what I wanted to talk about at that early stage. I also had to listen to her feeling sorry for herself that she herself would probably not be alive to see her grandchildren (my children)grow up. Not what I want to hear when my own mum will never even meet one of my children.

I know I'm waffling a bit but this is just to give an idea of the visit and why I felt quite resentful. I ended up taking myself off to a Hotel as I just couldn't stand to be around at home. Rightly, or wrongly I felt my home had been invaded and that DH and MIL were playing happy families as though nothing had happened. Incidentally neither contacted me when I left to see if I was ok, and they did not know where I had gone to. When I returned the next day DH was furious with me for being a "brat" and making MIL feel so bad.

So I guess my question is was I /am I unreasonable to think she really ought to have postponed the visit?

So as not to be accused of drip feeding, MIL and I are not close. I find her selfish, needy and manipulative in general.

OP posts:
Brittany2019 · 27/06/2019 11:29

Bastards, both of them. I'm really sorry for the loss of your Mum and your H and MIL being so insensitive, OP.

BonitaBonita · 27/06/2019 11:30

Why does your husband treat you so poorly?

poopypants · 27/06/2019 11:34

You have a massive DH problem. There will always be a problem unless your DH inderstands that you and the DC are his priority and as he failed to understand this whilst you were a)pregnant and b)grieving, I can't see him ever understanding. What possible situation could be more likely to bring about change in him that his pregnant wife grieving, SO sorry. You've married an idiot.

PCohle · 27/06/2019 11:36

I'm very sorry for your loss.

However people deal with grief very differently and your DH and MIL weren't necessarily to know that her visit would upset you so much (you didn't know yourself!).

I think for the sake of family harmony you need to chalk this up to a bad trip at an awful time and try and move forward.

Someonesayroadtrip · 27/06/2019 11:36

You have a DH problem. Genius to take yourself to a hotel though,do that more when she turns up!

ChilliAndRiceIsVeryNice · 27/06/2019 11:47

Only people who are selfish and without empathy would not 'get it' without being told

To be fair, everyone is different. The day after my mum died it was xmas eve, I spent xmas eve and day with my OH at the time’s family, xmas dinner and opening gifts etc. along with planning the funeral. I felt it was better than hanging around at home alone and I knew I could have taken that space if I’d needed it. Everyone deals with grief and shock differently, and while it’d have been ideal for her DH to have asked if she was still okay with MIL’s visit, it’s not really his fault for assuming it was fine to go ahead if OP didn’t breathe a word about needing that space.

gamerchick · 27/06/2019 11:49

and while it’d have been ideal for her DH to have asked if she was still okay with MIL’s visit, it’s not really his fault for assuming it was fine to go ahead if OP didn’t breathe a word about needing that space

No he should have had a thought. None of it it's not his fault crap because nothing was said. It stops at he should have asked.

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 27/06/2019 11:59

I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to even think about asking her not to come. If things had been different during the visit I probably wouldn't have reacted the way i did and felt the need to flee.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 12:06

You're not being unreasonable, I'd have felt the same way but I don't understand why you had to go out to eat and drink so much when you didn't feel like it. If your MIL wanted to go out, fine, but you didn't have to.

Both your husband and his mother have been insensitive to you. They didn't mean to be but they were and you must explain it to them. People grieve differently, we all have to accept that even if we don't always understand. Husband and mum could do with lessons in tact and sensitivity.

I wouldn't have let MIL visit for six days at that time, it was too much for you. She could have come at a later date and doesn't need to stay for almost a week, a couple or three days would surely suffice.

You'll get past this, op, but frank conversations are needed. Good communication is essential.

Flowers
FriarTuck · 27/06/2019 12:08

In future tell him that either she comes for less time (preferably not overnight!) or you'll be in a hotel for the duration while he and MIL look after the kids. And follow through if necessary. She sounds a real delight and he sounds either wet or bullied into submission by her and by social expectations.

ChilliAndRiceIsVeryNice · 27/06/2019 12:08

Okay gamerchick.

OP, you do have some say in what you do with and accept from your MIL. If six day visits are too much then tell them both what you’re comfortable with instead and stand your ground. You didn’t have to trail around to bars and restaurants if you didn’t want to. They sound pretty pushy and like they don’t really care about your preferences but that doesn’t mean you have to lay down and take it. Obviously the situation when your mum had just died has been and gone but are you planning to assert yourself more going forwards?

ChilliAndRiceIsVeryNice · 27/06/2019 12:10

Six days would be far too long for anyone to come and stay with me btw, even at times when everything is fine, both my family and his/either set of friends. You know what they say about houseguests and fish...

Yeahnahmum · 27/06/2019 12:11

Dh problem for sure. What an inconsiderate man he is....Confused

LazyLizzy · 27/06/2019 12:14

In future tell him that either she comes for less time (preferably not overnight!) or you'll be in a hotel for the duration while he and MIL look after the kids.

Agree with this. She wants to see the DGC so leave them to it.

PeachesAndMayo · 27/06/2019 12:34

This sounds like a cultural issue. You say the MIL's culture is that they all live together, so it's entirely probable that she really does expect respect and being waited on by a 'junior' woman irrespective of what your situation is. I'd have to say your DH seems to be well under her thumb. He needs to grow up or ship out.

MulticolourMophead · 27/06/2019 12:37

If your DH starts going on about culture, remind him that his culture doesn't trump yours and he should respect you and your culture equally.

Howyiz · 27/06/2019 12:43

Never mind your mil your husband is a complete dickhead!

EL8888 · 27/06/2019 13:06

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. Thinking of you

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your MIL sounds insensitive, thoughtless and self-absorbed. Who wants guests and going out socialising every night after a bereavement. I know grief is a personal thing but it's unlikely. My father died at 62 so like your Mum was relatively young. So rather different from someone of 100 who had clearly led their life
Your husband doesn't come out smelling of roses either. He sounds very unfeeling especially with you being pregnant. Yet when his mother dies, then l am sure he will want literally a world of understanding and sympathy. When my Dad died after a few weeks my then husband got a bit bored of me being low in mood and sad, acting like when are you going to get over this?! It's not the flu or a sprained ankle?! Your husband needs to make you more of a priority and not pander to his mum as much. I think the hotel move was generous by the way

EL8888 · 27/06/2019 13:07

Generous = genius

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 27/06/2019 14:18

Thanks for all of the support!

I'm glad I am not the only one who thinks the visits are too long. When I complain I'm told I'm not very nice. MIL is very thick skinned and will prioritise what she wants to do regardless.

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 27/06/2019 14:39

MIL is very thick skinned and will prioritise what she wants to do regardless.
Given that DH sees this as acceptable then he'll have no problem with you acting the same! And you can remind him of that just before you close the door on your way to the hotel for a few days of lie ins, swims in the pool, dinners brought to you with zero washing up and room service when there's something good on the tv.
There has to be compromise in a relationship - you have to accept that she turns up sometimes, he has to accept that you can't put up with her too long or often.

user1480880826 · 27/06/2019 14:43

The problem is with your husband, not your MIL. He was extremely insensitive to allow this situation to occur. I can’t believe he dragged you out to dinner and to pubs! What was he thinking?!

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 14:45

Yes of course she should ah e postponed. How long ago did this happen?

RelaisBlu · 27/06/2019 15:19

Why didn't your DH ask his mother to postpone her visit? It would be the first thing I would have expected a loving partner to do - offer you support in your shock & grief whilst thinking ahead and finding out from you what you wanted to do about forthcoming social occasions, including his mother's visit

WhyTho · 27/06/2019 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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