To think she should have postponed her visit?

[RealhousewifeofEngland]

This is a MIL I'm afraid.

My mother died quite suddenly a little while ago whilst I was heavily pregnant. I was understandably shocked and distraught. We had also just moved into a new house that we had done a lot of renovation work to so life was pretty stressful.

Less than a week after my mother's death my MIL had booked to come and visit. She only lives a few hours away and visits for 6 days at a stretch several times a year. Despite my mothers sudden death MIL did not rearrange her visit, or even ask if it was still ok for her to come. The visit was all too soon for me and I wanted time to grieve without a visitor. Having MIL visit our new house for the first time was a stark reminder that my own mum would never get to see it.

MIL likes to eat out every night and drinks quite a bit. So I found myself sitting in pubs looking after my elder child whilst MIL and DH drank. At that point I would have liked a drink myself but obviously couldn't being pregnant. If I try to not join them when they go out it becomes a big deal, and I'm made out to be sulking or whatever.
Both DH and MIL also always expect me to decide where they are going to eat. I wasn't really in the mood so I refused to come up with ideas for them. I had no appetite myself at all in any case. So we'd spend at least an hour going back and forth about where they were going for dinner, all because I refused to take charge for them.

MIL also talked quite a lot about her own mothers death the year before. I know she may have been trying to empathise but the comparison annoyed me. Her mother was almost 100 and they had known she was dying so had been able to say goodbye. My mum was in her 60's and just went. I had no chance to say goodbye or prepare. I know it's not a competition but it just wasn't what I wanted to talk about at that early stage. I also had to listen to her feeling sorry for herself that she herself would probably not be alive to see her grandchildren (my children)grow up. Not what I want to hear when my own mum will never even meet one of my children.

I know I'm waffling a bit but this is just to give an idea of the visit and why I felt quite resentful. I ended up taking myself off to a Hotel as I just couldn't stand to be around at home. Rightly, or wrongly I felt my home had been invaded and that DH and MIL were playing happy families as though nothing had happened. Incidentally neither contacted me when I left to see if I was ok, and they did not know where I had gone to. When I returned the next day DH was furious with me for being a "brat" and making MIL feel so bad.

So I guess my question is was I /am I unreasonable to think she really ought to have postponed the visit?

So as not to be accused of drip feeding, MIL and I are not close. I find her selfish, needy and manipulative in general.

His mother is family but your mum is your family too and you are his so you come first then anything related to your late mum, your kids, your dickhead husband then his bitchy mother.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you've put your husband straight.

Do you have a problem speaking up?

Massively unreasonable of your MIL to not postpone her visit but also you should have told them that it was not a good time due to these exceptional circumstances. Note I say tell them, not ask.

Again, you should have told them you were happy for them to go out but you would not be going out to dinner/pubs etc. Perhaps left DH to parent his child instead of plonking them with his grieving and heavily pregnant wife.

I think going to a hotel was a bit OTT to be honest. You could have avoided all that by having better boundaries with both your DH and MIL. Sometimes it isn't necessary to be liked and to have approval from others.

I know it would be nice if your husband had thought more of your needs and placed less importance on his mothers wants, but that doesn't always happen in reality. That's why you should do things differently moving forward: speak up and stand firm.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

You have a DH problem.

Oh OP

I know how you feel completely.
My mum died very suddenly (in traumatic circumstances) less than a year ago, she was 54 (and had me very young) - the day after, lots of people came round to see what help I needed, what they could bring or just to give me a shoulder to cry on. I'd had no sleep and wasn't up for long visits - which everyone understood.
My paternal GM (whom I am now NC with) stayed from 8 in the morning till 8 at night, expecting everything done for her 'to take my mind off it(!!)' and then said 'well she was a pisshead.' My Mum was an alcoholic and died from something completely unrelated to alcohol.
I am unashamed to admit that I told her to fuck herself and mentioned that it should've been her on the slab - completely mean I know, but I was utterly furious.
My DFather had to stop me from really lashing out and acted as a gatekeeper from then on.

YANBU at all. Your 'D'H needs a slap as does your MIL. He should've been there for you, the fact he wasn't is unforgivable and him calling you a brat is beyond disgusting. Absolute pig.

Your husband is treating you like shit! I would start getting your ducks in a row & preparing to LTB. Life is much better as a single mum than married to an unhelpful nasty prick. Sorry about your mum btw. Its 9 years since I lost mine & I still remember how nasty my ex was then.