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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bored by DH conversation and interests?

78 replies

changetherecorddh · 27/06/2019 06:03

It’s driving me mad and I need to know if IABU?

The first interest is football. He’s always been really into it, which is fine, I like it too. Nowadays though he just seems completely obsessed. He is constantly on his phone looking at football related trivia. My dm even commented a few days ago that he’s never off his phone looking at football stuff when we’re round there house) He’s always talking about it. We had a friend round yesterday and the second I leave the room at any point the conversation turns immediately to football. It makes me feel like he’s just waiting for me to leave so he can talk about it. Over the last few years he has replaced all his clothes so they are 95% football tops. I HATE men in football tops. I always have. I know he should dress in what makes him happy but I just don’t find his style attractive anymore. He’s also filled our downstairs toilet with football pictures and is currently collecting autographs of his favourite players and hanging them on the wall in there.

The second is Germany. He’s obsessed with the place and talks about it none stop. He must have mentioned it twenty times last night, speaking in a German voice, saying he wants to go to Munich/Ocktoberfest etc. Unfortunately I can’t join in his obsession because Germany is the only country I’ve been too that I didn’t really like much!

I am honestly bored to tears with it all. I feel like they are the only subjects that really interest him these days. It’s driving me insane!

OP posts:

HarrysOwl · 27/06/2019 07:54

It could mean he actually needs a different form of therapy, different therapist, etc

He might need to quit being so self indulgent with football, video games and fantasy Germany holidays and grow up, too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2019 07:55

Is he actually engaged with parenthood at all? Is he an active father, does he take turns with the baby, are you letting him?

He may be withdrawing into his interests more because he's feeling left out of this phase of your lives. Just a thought.

Thadeus · 27/06/2019 07:58

How involved is he with the baby, could he feel pushed aside?
Do you sit down together with a cuppa and just talk about what is going on?
The focus tends to be on the woman after the baby is born and how she is feeling etc but a lot of the time the men just dont know what to do and yes it seems like having another child.

You may just HAVE to be comfortable for an evening and leave the baby so that you can take time out to work on the relationship and have a good talk.

Hadalifeonce · 27/06/2019 07:59

Could you sit down and have a discussion about his behaviour? Say you would like him to put his phone down for the evening, see what his reaction is?
Sorry, but I wouldn't let DH out of the house if he was wearing a football shirt, unless he was going to play/watch a game.
You need to spell out to him in simple terms how his actions are affecting you.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 27/06/2019 08:09

I have a friends whose house is like this. She quite likes football though. Her two ds are as obsessed as their father. Every second they are in the room together they talk about whose been signed, who scored, whose playing. I stayed with her for a week once, it was intolerable. I walked her dogs every day to get away from it.

My dh is sport mad, but at least it varies between football, rugby union, golf, cricket and F1. I have a separate room with my own TV, our DC and many of his friends don’t share his enthusiasm so no one listens to him. So he sits and watches his sport channels alone 😃

Everyone is happy. Get a TV in the bedroom.

jameswong · 27/06/2019 08:29

The amount of times I've opened a thread and thought "oh, this is relatively tame, no mentalist will tell her to LTB over this"....

...and then bam, the 2nd reply ffs. Leave your husband and break up a young family because he's banging on about football a lot.

FWIW OP. Yanbu. Just be honest with him. Tell him you're not as interested in football and germany and want to discuss other things. Encourage him to pursue those interests independently.

HarrysOwl · 27/06/2019 08:31

The amount of times I've opened a thread and thought "oh, this is relatively tame, no mentalist will tell her to LTB over this"....

...are you new?

Walkaround · 27/06/2019 08:47

changetherecorddh - there is no way I could tolerate living with someone like that. He is being unbelievably dull, self-centred and obsessional. I think it is fair for you to raise this with him - if this is the man he wants to be, he is not the man you thought he was when you got married and you don't actually like the new man very much! Clearly he has not always been like this, so it is fair to ask whether this is the real thing and he was hiding his real personality before, or whether this is a temporary aberration!

Tallgreenbottle · 27/06/2019 08:59

He's regressing, OP. He's possibly had a bit of an episode/mental break beyond the depression, or it is manifesting as that. My DH had one after our DS was born and then again last year when it dawned on him how shit his mother was (we're now NC with her).

My DH's counsellor basically put it plainly to him, he needed to find the path way to snap out of it or he risked losing his wife and son, and his job.

He found it pretty quick and was back to normal within two weeks. The thought of losing us made him get his shit together.

Original poster

changetherecorddh · 27/06/2019 09:34

I’ll answer everyone properly later as busy with baby...

I think he’s regressing too @Tallgreenbottle. Our mutual friend is round visiting since last night. Every time I leave the room my DH starts talking to him about fucking football. Literally.every.time. It makes me feel like he’s just buttoning his lip about what he actually wants to talk about until I’m gone. He sits in silence half the time when I’m in the room.

I’m absolutely fed up with it

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2019 09:40

How much does he interact with the baby? Does he feed/bath/play with her?

How involved is he with household stuff - cooking/cleaning/washing/garden/diy?

LineRunner · 27/06/2019 09:46

speaking in a German voice

Do you mean he literally puts on a fake German accent to talk about Germany? Or that he uses accurate German pronunciations of eg placenames?

A former acquaintance did the former (but with French). It was arse-clenchingly awkward and embarrassing.

Original poster

changetherecorddh · 27/06/2019 09:55

I do nearly all her meals/feeding. He doesn’t take responsibility for it. He does bath/dress her etc. He could play with her more. I made him take her to the shops with him yesterday and his first reaction was “but what if she cries”?

@LineRunner He actually puts on a German accent! He does learn on duo lingo too.
Ironically he criticises my way of speaking when we argue sometimes and I’m like “have you heard yourself?”

He does less cleaning now that before she was born. He does wash up etc. DIY isn’t his strong suit. He cut the grass last week and it was a major achievement. He walks the dog when I can’t.

The biggest joke is he will often say how people always just talk about the same topics. I sometimes don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’ve popped upstairs again and he’s now talking about German cars. Kill.me.now.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 27/06/2019 10:16

Your problem isn't what he is into.

Your problem is that he is completely checking out of family life.

Whether that is a symptom of his depression or not is impossible to know.

Have you tried talking to him for a limited amount of time about his interests? In some ways its clear that he knows you have no patience for it as he waits until you're out of the room - does he think in some backward way he's going you a favour?

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2019 10:37

What @JacquesHammer said.

livefornaps · 27/06/2019 11:43

I would end up screaming at him

Original poster

changetherecorddh · 27/06/2019 11:54

@JacquesHammer I do talk about it sometimes. I like football too! I encourage him with his duo lingo instead.

I’ve just told him that him mentioning football/Germany every time I leave the room is boring me to death. His attitude is that he’s not doing anything wrong and I’m looking for something to moan about. I’ve told him it’s not healthy or normal to be so obsessional about things. Ironically my brother is very similar about topics he’s stuck on and my dh is always critical of him about it!

OP posts:

fedup21 · 27/06/2019 11:59

Ironically my brother is very similar about topics he’s stuck on and my dh is always critical of him about it!

Keep saying this to him.

Original poster

changetherecorddh · 27/06/2019 12:00

I just did @fedup21

He denied it though obviously.

OP posts:

contentedsoul · 27/06/2019 12:21

Well I detest football, loathe video games, don't drink, smoke or take drugs - hate most of what's on TV these days - I'm often called a bore!!

I suppose we all have different personality traits - funny thing I don't think I'm boring - just think everybody else is!

AlaskanOilBaron · 27/06/2019 12:26

I actually think the speaking in a German accent is rather amusing... unless it's constant?

GabsAlot · 27/06/2019 13:31

My dsis is like this (not football) everything is about her obsession and yes i call it that becaus she cant talk about anything else-On fb/instagram its all she posts about its so tiresome

She gets offended if you say can we talk about something else-alot of people stopped talking toher on sm because of it yet she says it makes her happy-her partner is bored of it too

Cannot see how its affecting her social and family life at all-all her money is spent on it shes on her phone constantly around people its so rude-sorry not much advice but i know how you feel

fedup21 · 27/06/2019 13:35

He denied it though obviously.

I can’t see how he can plausibly deny it if he’s talking about it as much as you say. I’d ask him what else he hasn’t talked about today?

dottiedodah · 27/06/2019 13:56

Agree with Barbarafrombackpool,I think he is feeling a bit overwhelmed TBH. If he is still quite young .Do you talk about the baby together ?,this could lead into other topics ie Nursery ,good then school? maybe use this to see if he will discuss govt?(Not a great start ,but you know what I mean!).Even if you talk about Boris v Hunt!!.Do you go out at W/E what about a nice country walk, preferably somewhere W/O a mobile phone signal!!.Dont take this the wrong way because we all do it to some extent, but do you talk a lot about Baby?.Can your Mum babysit at all ?.Try a nice meal again as far out as you can reasonably go!!.Or to the Cinema (No phones allowed in there and can talk about film?)

Original poster

changetherecorddh · 28/06/2019 06:39

@dottiedodah he’s only mid twenties, so yes still pretty young (I’m a bit older than him)

Politics is actually something we do talk about at length that isn’t Germany😂 We’re both politically minded so that is at least common ground. We actually went out to the cinema yesterday afternoon for first time since baby was born. We had a really nice time just looking round the shops and talking. I think me saying he’s turning into my brother shocked him actually. It was so nice that he had his phone put away and was actually making the effort to engage with me. It did confirm for me though that I’m not BU and that a lot of my current unhappiness definitely comes from how detached he often is from me.

With regards to his CBT. I actually don’t think it’s the therapy he needs. He has some quite significant past trauma that CBT isn’t really suitable for tackling imo. He’s even said that to his therapist himself and they’re looking into what else might be available for him.

I also hate to go there with regards to ASD, but it has crossed my mind. However at the same time he DOES know when to change the record (unlike my poor brother) He just chooses not too. For example his argument about being on his phone around my parents is that ‘no body cares and it doesn’t matter’ Whereas I’m clearly demonstrating that I care so therefore it matters to someone. It’s soooo frustrating.

OP posts:

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