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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bored by DH conversation and interests?

78 replies

changetherecorddh · 27/06/2019 06:03

It’s driving me mad and I need to know if IABU?

The first interest is football. He’s always been really into it, which is fine, I like it too. Nowadays though he just seems completely obsessed. He is constantly on his phone looking at football related trivia. My dm even commented a few days ago that he’s never off his phone looking at football stuff when we’re round there house) He’s always talking about it. We had a friend round yesterday and the second I leave the room at any point the conversation turns immediately to football. It makes me feel like he’s just waiting for me to leave so he can talk about it. Over the last few years he has replaced all his clothes so they are 95% football tops. I HATE men in football tops. I always have. I know he should dress in what makes him happy but I just don’t find his style attractive anymore. He’s also filled our downstairs toilet with football pictures and is currently collecting autographs of his favourite players and hanging them on the wall in there.

The second is Germany. He’s obsessed with the place and talks about it none stop. He must have mentioned it twenty times last night, speaking in a German voice, saying he wants to go to Munich/Ocktoberfest etc. Unfortunately I can’t join in his obsession because Germany is the only country I’ve been too that I didn’t really like much!

I am honestly bored to tears with it all. I feel like they are the only subjects that really interest him these days. It’s driving me insane!

OP posts:

CmdrCressidaDuck · 27/06/2019 07:26

How long have you been married, out of interest?

He may feel that now you're married and have a baby he doesn't have to "try" any more.

Although someone will be along to suggest he has ASD any second.

AlaskanOilBaron · 27/06/2019 07:29

but if my husband turned into that I would be asking for either a divorce or an open marriage.

An open marriage sounds interesting, but complicated! I'd get a divorce OP, sorry, I really would. I don't say this lightly.

livefornaps · 27/06/2019 07:30

Just tell.him "you sound unhinged and i don't want to have sex with someone unhinged

Drogosnextwife · 27/06/2019 07:33

Do you never just tell him to give it a rest and talk about something else? Point out to him that he is being rude when people are in and he's on his phone.

AlaskanOilBaron · 27/06/2019 07:33

Just tell.him "you sound unhinged and i don't want to have sex with someone unhinged

This might work

Fairylea · 27/06/2019 07:34

Does he listen when you talk about your interests?

Tolleshunt · 27/06/2019 07:35

For what it's worth, with CBT it's really about how much effort you put in. It gives you tools, but you have to put them to use. It's not a quick cure. If he says 'it's not working' then he's not employing the techniques

you have to want to do it and work at it. Sounds like he isn’t

This isn’t true. It may be that the CBT isn’t working because he isn’t putting the work in (is he doing the homework? Is he really engaging with the therapy and making a conscious effort to deploy the techniques?). Or it may be that it isn’t the right form of therapy for him, the therapist may not be a good fit, etc.

CBT is not a magic bullet. It can be very effective, but it is not the panacea that it has been made out to be by the media and government (whose interest stems from it being quick and cheap, and who are looking to get people functional enough to work, rather than to actual be well and thrive emotionally). CBT is limited in some ways, including that it does not address some issues that can be drivers of emotional difficulties like depression.

I’m not knocking it as a therapy, it can be highly effective, but it would be unfair to suggest that if it isn’t working for OP’s DH that that must be because he isn’t working hard enough at it. It’s not the case that if only you dutifully deploy the techniques you will inevitably be cured. It could mean he actually needs a different form of therapy, different therapist, etc.

finn1020 · 27/06/2019 07:37

It’s good that you’re seriously thinking about your relationship now, if you just keep letting things slide and hoping for the best(or putting all your energies into say, parenting, while avoiding thinking about it), it’s definitely doomed at some point before your baby is a teen. Can you sit down with him, and really talk about it? Can you say it’s important that the two of you are able to connect over shared interests, and find stuff you like doing together, etc? If you can’t then what’s the point really, you’ll just end up being two people looking after a kid in the same house.

However he does sound boring ... football, gaming, disinterest in your family. Does he bother much with the baby or was he just disengaged with you both when at your parents?

It does sound like this is fundamentally him though. Is it the sort of relationship you want if he is unable to change? I’d seriously be thinking about what YOU want, and giving yourself timeframes for change.

Toitoitoi · 27/06/2019 07:38

Not sure I could cope with that OP - it sounds insufferable. I would just concentrate on my own interests and ignore his maybe?

Verily1 · 27/06/2019 07:39

Aspergers?

dogsdinnerlady · 27/06/2019 07:39

I think boredom is an important factor in why some relationships fail. We use the term 'bored to death' for a reason. If he bores you now just think how it might feel in 20 years' time.

LonelyTiredandLow · 27/06/2019 07:41

It sounds like both of you may be in a rut since having your child? I'd make a lot of effort to do something together that is new to both of you - an activity of some sort, where he can't be on his phone. You two need to re-connect and enjoy time together. He does sound depressed and has given up. You sound resentful (at a guess you are doing more baby/housework than having fun yourself) and both of your lives have changed considerably so it is completely normal.

I'd see if inlaws or parents can have dc for a weekend and book something amazing. Hill walking, air b n b in a nearby town, tour of Scottish distillaries...anything! Make time for each other now or you will only go downhill.

scubadive · 27/06/2019 07:41

A new baby, then family should be his absolute focus and priority, being so obsessed with football while just starting a family is not the norm. I’m sorry I agree this has no future and you should leave.

OhTheRoses · 27/06/2019 07:41

If he is obsessional with a narrow range of interests and not social he could have ASD. Depression may be a comorbidity.

Sounds tough op.

Loopytiles · 27/06/2019 07:42

I don’t think OP’s actually bored, I think that her H is behaving in ways that are inconsiderate, rude and annoying, and this is pissing her off!

TickleMyFanny · 27/06/2019 07:42

Unless he supports West Ham yanbu

JaneyJimplin · 27/06/2019 07:43

I hate to be that person on a MN thread, but....

Autism? The reason this leaps out to me, and I say this as the mother of two ASD children, the fixations and obsessions teamed with him not being able to read the cues that this doesnt interest others in the same way, sounds so much like my eldest.

Of course, that doesnt help you much even if it is true. The way I manage my son's obsessions, is to give him firm boundaries. You dont have to worry about offending him either: I can say to my son "I am not interested in rubix cubes in the way that you are. Look at the clock there: you can talk to me about rubix cubes until the big hand reaches the 9 (5 minutes) and then I will go back to reading my book, which is my interest, and then you must stop talking to me about it."

But, I have zero idea how you do this with an adult. I think you just have to be blunt and explain your point of view very explicitly, because he simply might be blind to it through no fault of his own.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 27/06/2019 07:44

It's almost as if he is retreating into childhood! Just at a time in your life that you need him to step up and be a grown-up...

LonelyTiredandLow · 27/06/2019 07:45

I just think that so soon after having a kid, this is normal. You need to at least make an effort to save the relationship. If it is doomed, you will still remember whatever you did and know you tried your best to reconnect.

I once went to Thailand with a friend because my fiance refused to come to reconnect; it told me all I needed to know about his commitment, ability to have fun in tough times, priorities and his views on travelling. We never did get married as I came back and broke it off. I think if he ever thought about it he probably regrets that but I know I tried.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 27/06/2019 07:46

I agree with the PP who suggested that now you have a baby together he is putting his feet up social behaviour-wise, and just being who he really is, secure in the knowledge that you have to put up with it.

If you did break up with him would immediately get his act together and act normal until he had secured a new relationship, then slump back into Teutonic football nonsense after a few years.

Basically, this is your life if you remain together. Lots of women choose to do so, from my observation of other people's weird husbands!

Isatis · 27/06/2019 07:47

Speaking English with a German accent is just ridiculous. Can you point out that, if he loves Germany that much, it's actually pretty offensive to go around using an 'Allo 'Allo type accent as if they're all comedy Nazis and he should make the effort to learn the language properly?

I'd also be tempted to out-German him by going into enthusiastic discussions of people like Beethoven, Schiller and Einstein and the current political situation in Germany.

greenlynx · 27/06/2019 07:48

Do you talk about your baby? About how was the day, about childcare arrangements, upcoming weekend,etc?

Sicario · 27/06/2019 07:48

I'm sorry OP but that sounds unbearable. I suspect he is showing his true colours and has no intention of changing his ways. Perhaps get some couples counselling?

BigWide · 27/06/2019 07:48

I'd say it could be the CBT. My husband did it and he was told that he could change any part of him that he didn't like. That he didn't have to conform and he could choose a different path and that it was our life that was dragging him down. Cue him leaving me at 8 months pregnant with a toddler quitting his job and fucking off with a girl just out of school. Seemed happy for about five months then it all crashed down and he realised that all his CBT has said was crap, he loved his job and he did live his life depression was separate.

livefornaps · 27/06/2019 07:51

Get him duolingo so he can actually learn some fucking german on that fucking phone of his and shut the fuck up

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