To realise that me working isn't working!

[Flowerpot26]

Please advice wise ladies in my phone,
Returned to work a few months ago, after a year off after first first child, I wanted to return as wanted the money and to still have my job, it's quite well payed for what it is, it's a professional job, but not one that I had to study at uni for or anything I do either 2/3 shifts a week . Husband has own business with operates where we live and I do help out when I can and baby allows,
But it's not working!! I'm so tired with it all, husband is losing money (more than i earn) with having our baby and not being able to work, baby does go to a cm for one day a week but as it's shifts doesn't always fall on the day I'm in work, he's the main earner and it's his business , we have no family that are able to help with baby, we would also like to have another in the future!
But if I give up, I give up my own money, my chance of other work opportunities, and if I took the next few years out to concentrate on family life etc, I would be late 30s and trying to return into somtype of work, not able to drop current hours anymore. I'm fed up of stressing about it, and it's effecting out home life, could manage without my pay as I could drop the cm, wouldn't be complety broke would just have to cut back.

It was never going to work having DH at home, trying to work with a 1 year old. I think you need to look into more days of childcare, to fit in with the days you work shifts.

No you shouldn’t give up work for all the reasons you’ve stated.

You’re looking at it all the wrong way. You say he’s losing money by looking after his child, but so are you! You could work 5 days a week and make lots of money, but you don’t.

I think you just need better childcare and potentially a more stable work pattern. Are you inevitably tied to working shifts in your field? If so, what do other working mothers/parents in it do? You need to find a childcare provider that can accommodate your work pattern. Or explore other roles that would be more consistent.

Also it's still early days with working our your rhythm as a working mother. Don't make any hasty and absolute decisions before you've fiddled around with your options to make it work better.

It might depend on the nature of your relationship with your dh. I tried to go back to work and we argued, the house was a hole and the kids were really edgy. I felt obliged to work tbh and lazy for being at home... Then when I said to dh, OK I shall stay home full time, he was delighted. It meant he could just work without worrying about childcare and my shifts and he made a lot more money than me. I volunteer to keep my hand in and gain new skills. Sometimes I don't. I do clean and cook and bake and support... This is exhausting! Is not forever though and I know dh appreciates it and it is best for our family at the mo. I had to have proper chats with him though about sharing money as until then we'd earnt our own and pooled for bills.

If you only work 2/3 shifts a week can’t you just get child care which cover those shifts? So H isn’t responsible for the baby when he’s trying to work.

You need to get proper childcare. Like everybody else. And yes, it’s very very important you keep your job going. Split the childcare cost 50/50 between you and your DH.

I would never make myself financially dependent on someone else and I don't think any other woman should. Pay for more childcare and accept that it's an investment for your future.

Describing it as shifts rather than days suggests you cover more than M-F 9-5?
Sometimes in industries without fixed shifts, you can get fixed shifts by being prepared to commit to the less popular ones - then work out childcare around.

I think you’d be short sighted to stop working when it doesn’t sound like you’ve really explored all options on childcare yet.

Is your DH a sole trader? If so, you could form a partnership. Equal share of profits (so you use your tax free allowance) and pay NI contributions and into a personal pension. When you want to return to work you can put "self employed" on your CV and (depending on DH's business) wax lyrical about your finance, admin and marketing skills.

I'm not able to get childcare to follow my shift pattern, it's different every week, I have a great husband, and it's not as simple as him having baby when I'm working it doesn't work like that for our lifestyle , he earns alot more than me, were losing money as a family , I know other people work, but everyone's situation is different , I'm just trying to figure out whats best for out family

Can you put in a flexible working request for set days? I have one set day a week when we use a nursery then my other 2 days on days my husband has off.

Arrange childcare for the days you are in work so your DH doesn’t have to attempt both childcare and working. Simples.

Then I would change my "lifestyle" rather than put myself in a weaker position for life.

A different job with regular hours would be better so that you can have childcare sorted.

If you aren't keen on being a SAHM, then don't do it.

No I can't change my hours, I follow a 6 week rota, days nights, earlys . I mean I like my job but it's not worth the constant stress . Everything goes in a joint acct, I'm not worried about having to "ask" for money or anything, but I always have and like to earn my own. But then I suppose things are different now for this period

You have four options:

(a) ask for more regular hours rather than shift work
(b) find a childminder who does do anti social hours care
(c) take a step back and either SAHM
(d) find an alternative job

In your shoes I would ask about (a) investigate (b) and opt for (d)

Oh actually there is always option

(e) beloved of MN - can you get an au pair?

You clearly just want to be told that you should stop working. Do what you want, but don't pretend it isn't going to leave you vulnerable.

No I can't change my hours

No such thing as 'cant' - why wont your employer investigate the feasibility of this option?

It seems fairly obvious that if you are working and yet you are worse off financially, then you A) find another role with reliable shifts/hours so that you can find childcare options or B) Become a SAHM until your kids start school. I don't think there is a magic potion that's going to fix things without you making some pretty big changes sadly.

Find a different job then, seriously. I know it might seem easier to just pack it in and use the excuse that your job simply couldn’t fit in with your family but get a different more suitable job. That’s what the rest of us do when the job we have no longer works for us for whatever reason.

I was in your situation a little bit. Ie a dh who earned about 4x what I did. It didn't really make financial sense for him to ever be the one at home looking after dc when I was working. So, I handed in my notice and initially was a sahm then found a new career which I could do around the dc.

OP if you feel that giving up your job is the best option for your family then do it. I'm going to guess you are in nursing or the police, or something in those areas. If that's the case it can be extremely difficult to get them to give you daytime shifts.
People miss the point on here when you say your dh is losing money, if you share money, your dh money is your money too. If he is losing more than you earn and spending money on childcare, there really is no point in you doing the job you do. I would either look for something else or be a sahm.

Your husband is conducting business at times when CM is not available? That seems unusual. I wonder what type of business cannot be done week-days between 8am and 6pm.

Instead of thinking about childcare to cover your shifts, it would be more sensible to get childcare to cover your husband's hours. That would free him up to work (assuming he can work regular hours) and he can cover if you are working when he is not.

Of course YANBU.

If it isn't working for you as a family, then change it. Whether that's changing your role, employing chilcare or being a SAHM.

FWIW I did the latter and have no regrets.