To realise that me working isn't working!

[Flowerpot26]

Please advice wise ladies in my phone,
Returned to work a few months ago, after a year off after first first child, I wanted to return as wanted the money and to still have my job, it's quite well payed for what it is, it's a professional job, but not one that I had to study at uni for or anything I do either 2/3 shifts a week . Husband has own business with operates where we live and I do help out when I can and baby allows,
But it's not working!! I'm so tired with it all, husband is losing money (more than i earn) with having our baby and not being able to work, baby does go to a cm for one day a week but as it's shifts doesn't always fall on the day I'm in work, he's the main earner and it's his business , we have no family that are able to help with baby, we would also like to have another in the future!
But if I give up, I give up my own money, my chance of other work opportunities, and if I took the next few years out to concentrate on family life etc, I would be late 30s and trying to return into somtype of work, not able to drop current hours anymore. I'm fed up of stressing about it, and it's effecting out home life, could manage without my pay as I could drop the cm, wouldn't be complety broke would just have to cut back.

Eh?

husband is losing money (more than i earn)

he's the main earner

Well, he's not, is he? He's losing money.

In this situation you should work, he should look after the baby.

If you spoke to your employer frankly and said the work patterns aren’t working for you, would they be prepared to compromise or leave you to tender your resignation?

It’s not you working that’s the problem. It’s that this particular job isn’t the right one for you anymore.

Drogosnextwife! Thank you!! Yes I work within that type of feild, sometimes things over run, with me and with my husband, and it's a constant, when are you home, we need to sleep, I've got to go, this has happened I need to sort it,

Yes, the key here is better childcare and/or work arrangements. eg, I am self employed. Given the choice, I'd far rather leave for work at 7:30 am and work until 5pm. However, that doesn't work for our family life so I start work at 9 and finish at 6 or 6:30. Your DH may need to do the same. You need better childcare during the times childcare is practical and if you can't adapt your shifts, your DH needs to adapt his. (obviously, I appreciate this might not work if his job requires talking to people in New York at 8pm our time or whatever).

Another option is to reduce your hours further. Can you do just two shifts a week? So staying in touch and keeping up with things, but less invasive in terms of time?

Alternatively, if you're not enjoying and it's not working for you as a family, give it up. Yes, I do fully understand the sense of women being vulnerable if they're SAHM but I think your marriage is far more likely to fail if you're all unhappy and stressed.

Could a nanny work? Perhaps finding one who wants part time work and could be flexible on days. When mine were little, long time ago and childcare was even harder to find, I was in a group of 3 mums and we helped each other e.g. one worked in her husband's retail business on Saturday's and I had her kids and then if I needed a day in the week she had mine. Third mum worked part time and when children started school she picked them all up but I took them all to school. I also had a friend who had a friend with children the same age, one mum went to work and the other had the children and they shared the working mums pay at the end of the month.

I suppose sometimes it just isn't workable but I hope you work something out.

You need to balance is the loss of money worth the loss of opportunities for you

Most working parents go through the stage of it not being worth it financially but once you get through that stage and it’s easier it is worth it

It’s short term vs long term

Is the problem partly to do with your H resenting having to take care of DC or do any domestic work? Sometimes men will sabotage a partner's working, because they think that women, especially when the DC are young, should be domestic servants and the man should be able to carry on as he did before parenthood. Is he open to discussing any solutions other than you giving up work, for example?

We were in a similar position to you when we had first dc. I was a nurse and dh was starting up his business. He was always going to earn more than me so I couldn’t justify working when it meant less money in our pot each month.

I gave up work and took over the paperwork for him which I could do around baby. It certainly worked for us and allowed me to be with dc when they were little, always did school runs, helped out at school etc.

Also by helping him it allowed the business to grow quicker and now 20 years down the line we are doing well and enjoy having time together as both are in home office a couple of days each week and can have business lunches! I do get bored sometimes because although it works well for all of us it is not a career I would have chosen. However I could do other work now but don’t as this suits me really!

Kids are happy and thriving too.

What hours does your DH work?
As a PP said, can you get a childcare to cover his hours?
Or even most of his hours then you either choose to use / not use those hours when you're not on shift.

The only people around me who both work, even if one is part-time, have family help! Meaning free childcare, even if it's not full-time.

Which is pretty much everybody to be fair, but without grand-parents, in laws, or siblings, no one would manage.

There's no shame in accepting that the cost of childcare + commute make it impossible to work.

Your DH cannot work and look after the baby. Is his business not flexible that he could take most of a day off when you have a shift and make up at the weekend?

What about an au-pair? They are cheaper than nannies, would be flexible as would work when you do, and if your DH is around it doesn't feel unsafe.

f you can afford it, stay at home and look after your kids. You never get that time back again, and it's sometimes not worth the hassle of childcare if you can afford to live without 2 incomes.

Get a different job? I would give up work if I were you as your DHs business doesn’t sound particularly stable to me.

I think enevabilty I'll have to stop my current role, and look for something else, as this is not working for me or him

You may not be able to get them to suit your shifts but surely you can get it to suit his hours? Would it not make sense to put your baby in a few days a week so he can work regardless and if you’re off you can help out? Then if you have to work there’s no baby around and he will have to do the runs?

Surely the baby needs childcare for the hrs that your husband works?

Or is he also doing irregular hrs?

Ah! solution (f) can your DH subcontract and employ another person ?

Whilst not ideal for career progression you can take time out and return to work once kids are in primary, that's why I had my kids close together. If you are in nursing for instance, it's then possible to pick up bank shifts on weekends to keep enough hours per year to maintain professional standards

If it’s not working for your family, then leave. Several friends and family members do work or have worked in the fields mentioned, and they’ve done it because a) their dc are older so can take themselves to school, come home from school etc by themselves or b) they have an excellent support system.

Those who didn’t have a or b, left, as child minders are rare around here unless you travel a fair distance to one, child minders were unable to accommodate their requests or they were simply losing money by working and the stress was not worth it.

What about an au-pair? They are cheaper than nannies, would be flexible as would work when you do

We really need a sticky on this, but au pairs do not do all day care and generally do not do sole care for under-fives at all. (And a DH elsewhere in the house working does not make it not "sole care". Au pairs do wraparound care for school or nursery/CM only. They are not a cheap alternative to a nanny. If you want all day care of children, preschool or school age, you need to pay for a nanny.

If you work on a 6 weekly rota you'll.jave your shifts in advance? Could you not use a nursery that will work with your shifts and have your DCs whatever days you're working that week? Most nurseries where I am would be able to accomodate this with the 6 weeks notice as that's plenty of time to work out the number of staff they need for ratio's.

There are some nannies and childminders that will work shift hours. If you have a six week rotation then you know, at least, what your childcare needs are weeks in advance, which is a plus.

I think diddle is correct though. Thinking about finding cover for when YOU are working is not the problem. It's for when YOUR DH is working and you are working. So, as he doesn't work shifts, you just need cover during regular hours and though not full time, you do no months in advance

He's a farmer, some times of the year hours can be more regular, and then some when there is just no point in asking when he back! It's the nature of the job. Anyway some comments have been helpful thank you , I have obv looked into different types of childcare, but also the location where we live plays a part, so unfortunately it's not as easy as get more childcare, unless I put my baby into full-time childcare so I can work part-time? Nope! and Also that isn't going to help when I have weekend shifts! AHH I've very jealous of ppl that have there's parents to help

We really need a sticky on this, but au pairs do not do all day care and generally do not do sole care for under-fives at all.

I had au-pairs

They ARE flexible. You can perfectly have an au-pair when you only need them for 2 days a week, they will be more than happy to do more hours one day and be free the rest of the week.

You don't have an au-pair for 5 or 6 days a week full time, but when you need a cover for 2 or 3 shifts a week, with another adult who can take an hour off during that time to help out, yes, of course it works.

As long as you keep your total hours fair, why wouldn't it work. Just chose a slightly more experience au-pair, or someone from a big family who is used to kids.

The OP might not have the space, or the will to have one, but it's an option.

I was in a similar situation. DP has his own business and earns (or has the potential to earn) much, much more than I could in my previous professional role.

Pre DS I adored my job but it didn't work after ML so well, so after a bit of discussion I handed in my notice and was at home with DS for a while before finding my current job.

Now we are in a shaky position finance wise because DP suffered from catastrophic ill health and hid the finances from me for a year or so. His business is in a precarious position and I don't earn enough to do anything about that. Returning to my previous profession is going to be tricky if not impossible.

Posters are right to say think about the long term. What DP and I did worked for these three short years and now we are probably going to suffer the consequences. Anything can happen. In hindsight, I should have kept my job and we would be in a much safer position now. I wouldn't change how I have raised my son and I am grateful for the last three years... but there are going to be long reaching repercussions for us and I think that seems to be a similar theme throughout MN.