To realise that me working isn't working!

[Flowerpot26]

Please advice wise ladies in my phone,
Returned to work a few months ago, after a year off after first first child, I wanted to return as wanted the money and to still have my job, it's quite well payed for what it is, it's a professional job, but not one that I had to study at uni for or anything I do either 2/3 shifts a week . Husband has own business with operates where we live and I do help out when I can and baby allows,
But it's not working!! I'm so tired with it all, husband is losing money (more than i earn) with having our baby and not being able to work, baby does go to a cm for one day a week but as it's shifts doesn't always fall on the day I'm in work, he's the main earner and it's his business , we have no family that are able to help with baby, we would also like to have another in the future!
But if I give up, I give up my own money, my chance of other work opportunities, and if I took the next few years out to concentrate on family life etc, I would be late 30s and trying to return into somtype of work, not able to drop current hours anymore. I'm fed up of stressing about it, and it's effecting out home life, could manage without my pay as I could drop the cm, wouldn't be complety broke would just have to cut back.

have you pspoek to eacohter on this?what is the findings from this conversation?

To me, it sounds like you want to stay at home? What’s so wrong with that? Would it just be until baby starts school at 4? Perhaps you could study part time or try to keep your skills going for something to keep on your cv?
I’m a new mum and have worked full time teaching all my life, 11 month old dc and for now (for as long as it allows..!) until dd starts school, I’ll stay at home. I do tutor just two hours per week..Do future employers really look so badly upon mothers who have stayed at home for a few years?

Honestly, all families are different and you have to find what works for you.

I'm currently a SAHM and have been since my 2nd child was born, several years ago. We moved so it wasn't straightforward to move cities, find a school place for eldest, sort new house and find a job (while pregnant) miles away from friends and family. I've volunteered at school and now studying and hope to be working again within 12mo. I am able to manage school meetings, be home for the children, cook cheaper and more nutritious food, deal with sick kids. That's made life so much simpler for us.

It works for us but I am vulnerable despite being married. I would absolutely suggest you make a flexible working request at work and see what they say, it can't hurt. If you do stop working, I would definitely have a plan to get back into work ASAP.

It sounds like you are putting up your own barriers as to why it isn’t working. It could work, maybe you just don’t want it to.

We speak about it daily lol! He wants what's best for me, and he knows I like to have my own thing, but there is only so much he could do, unless we sell our house, farm, business

@Sundancer77 I've found I've had lots of interviews but it is difficult to really give lots of examples if you've been out of work a while and not done much. I think the key is to keep your hand in with something, volunteering, community projects, even small part-time jobs.

I've been out 4 years but by volunteering in school and studying for extra qualifications, I'm hoping I do now have more examples to give at interview and land myself a job (albeit in a different field than before)

I'm glad that worked out for you, EarlGrey, but I don't know if I'd consider that entirely ethical. IME reputable agencies would not supply an au pair to do 8+ hours at a time of sole care for a baby or toddler. It is usually explicit in what they do that they they may do some evening babysitting or nursery dropoffs but that they are really not suited to be the sole carer for a baby or toddler. If you need 2 X 10 hours child care for a child of 1 then I think that should always be a nanny job. And there are too many people attempting to exploit au pairs as cheap childcare instead of the family members they are meant to be already.

It does sound like you want to stay at home. That's fine. Maybe you'll have to rethink your career later, maybe not.

If you did want to work people have given some really sensible options to consider ( but your reaction seems to suggest you don't want to!)
My Dr friends use the nursery attached to the local hospital. That does a flexible schedule of childcare
As people have said Au Pair would work for you, or a PT nanny.
And some CM do flexible hours.
If you want to keep working you'd be looking into these

Or you speak to your employer about the possibility of Fixed hours (sounds like you haven't yet!)
Or you look to change your job to something with fixed hours.
Very few people in RL actually have family to support. No one I know does. That's not a reason to not work if you want to!!

I think follow your gut instinct in what’s best for YOUR family, there’s no shame in taking a few years out to be a mum/wife, by the time you pay a childminder do you even make any money (enough to warrant the stress) as long as you and your husband are a good team and appreciate each other’s efforts in keeping the balls in the air I see no harm, once your child/children are in school and a bit older you will have years of going back to work ahead of you still, I’m on the other side of it kid grown up and left home, I never regret them few years of just being a mum it goes way to fast!

You form a partnership in your limited company and you take a salary.
You each work in the business flexibly.
Pay a childminder set hours and both work around that.
Unfortunately you are both likely to be working into your 70s.
Most people are likely to have 3 careers over the course of their working life.
I retrained in my 40s after having three DC and continued to work until I was 60. I only stopped because I became ill.
The first couple of years I was back at work nearly all my salary went on child care for the youngest, then as they got old enough for nursery then school it got a bit cheaper.

I would look for a job with set hours rather than jump straight to "oh well I'll just have to pack in work altogether". It seems the current arrangement isn't working for you but if you found a job where you could work 2/3 set days a week you could arrange proper childcare (CM or nursery) so your DH's business wasn't affected and you'd still have the security of earning your own money.

It seems to me that time spent at home and all it entails should be seen in a positive way somehow by future employers, instead of completely ruling people out.
It does sound like you’re making excuses and maybe in your heart, you ‘Want’ to be at home with your baby for a little while? And why not? Having just recently become a ftm I’m aware that it’s seen as a negative thing to be a sahm mum by lots of people, why? Where’s the value on the positive aspect of mum being around these days?
I’ve worked since I was 14, completed college and university and worked many many hours teaching for the last 18 years, I have no shame about wanting to be at home with baby for a bit (if we can make it work!)
I have to say though, imo, it’s harder than going to work 🙈😆

Can you make his business a family business and both work for it and both take a wage if both of your working for it increases profits?

It sounds like you've already made your mind up. I gave up my stressful, demanding career to stay at home. I don't regret it at all. We've had to adjust to the loss of wage but we've gained so much more. DH had the freedom to retrain and can work without any worries. I don't plan to stay at home forever but for now we are all happy. I have recently started a very part time job which fits in with our family life and is loosely related to my profession.

My friend's DH is a farmer and she was a carer. It didn't work. They're both very unsociable jobs and it's hard without a wider support network.

OP, the reason people are encouraging you to stay in work (not necessarily your current job) is for your own financial independence and for your family resilience. Where would you stand financially if your DH left you? Or his business failed? Or he lost a key client? Or you wanted to leave him?

These boards are full of SAHM who want to leave the family home, but are too dependant on their partner’s income to do
so.

From my point of view, DH was made redundant when our DC were 4 weeks old and just 3. It was very useful me still having a good income. When I went back to work, and DH got a new job we had a year or so of 2 x childcare fees. This was hard to swallow at the time, and was pretty much equal to what I wasn’t, but you need to look at the long term. DS is about to go to Middle School. DD is well into first school. I still have a pretty niche job, continuous pension contributions, a car and up to date skills. Working is not just about what you bring home this month. Childcare fees are significantly reduced.

I would think very carefully about this. I happily gave up my career to bring up dc so dh could just focus on work. I had lots of lovely time with them, and have no regrets about that, but getting back into work has been a real slog. I had to retrain and I do now have a job I love, but the main issue was with dh adapting to my new role, even after being supportive throughout my training and courses.

He had become very accustomed to me just dealing with everything. Couldn’t see why suddenly he had to leave work to collect the dc, or be around for the usual clubs and hobbies, and didn’t lift a finger around the house to help. I am lucky enough to have a very flexible ft job with lots of scope for wfh, but obviously I have meetings and responsibilities and he struggled to understand that I can’t just come and go as I please to suit his schedule!! It honestly nearly split us up, and I feel that if I hadn’t broken down in tears and told him I was leaving he would still assume that all was well and I cope with doing it all.

He does a lot more now, and we outsource a lot of household tasks such as cleaning, ironing and dog walking, which he was originally unwilling to even consider. He still asks what time he has to pick the kids up etc which drives me barmy, but if I am busy he makes it work.

Just bear in mind that if you do get into the habit of becoming the default parent and picking up all of the slack at home it can be very difficult to change that mindset. While I loved being with the kids, I do look back and wonder if things would have been different if I had gone back at least part time and not been so available over the years.

It seems to me that time spent at home and all it entails should be seen in a positive way somehow by future employers

Why, though? What benefit does it offer them that you stayed at home? It has real and undeniable negatives for what they want to pay you for (your skills get rusty, you may be out of date with developments in the field, you may have done it in part because you weren't doing well at your previous job, they have little way of judging how you'd perform compared to someone currently in employment which makes you a bigger risk). I don't think it's an employer's business to validate your decision to SAH. Good for you if you did, but it doesn't benefit them and they're not the place to look for a pat on the back.

What about an au-pair?

Can work, worked for me a few years ago just need to find the right one. There are such as older mature au-pairs around still cheaper than a nanny. And they can be coerced with offerings of a better deal ie more loot to cook din din's for you:)

It sounds like you need to look for alternative work with more regular hours in your field - e.g. if you are a nurse, could you perhaps get something like a job in a GP practice.

How about you both work and hire a nanny who will do odd hours when necessary. Seems to make sense to me rather than your husband looking after your little one and working and you working shifts. With two salaries coming in you should be able to afford that. She wouldn't have to live in, if she has a car she can take herself off home at any hour or maybe stay at yours sometimes if you have a spare room. I think that would work out.

Don’t listen to those posters saying to leave and reconsider when your child is in primary. Childcare does not get easier when a child is in school. It’s a mosaic of before/after/holiday club. Plus you’ll have a gap in your cv, probably a reduced network of contacts and less leverage to negotiate hours/contract. This is delaying an issue not solving it. Which you may choose to do but just be aware that going to school brings with it a whole other set of problems.

I would look to switch to something now that allows you more stable hours. I wouldn't just leave your field, stay at home, and look to return in a few years time. If you enjoy working and having your own money, then keep doing it, but one of you will need to have regular hours that fit within when you can get childcare. Alternatively, could your dh hire help for the busy times/when he expects to have less regular house, or contract out some of the farming?

Making the transition back to work is tricky, but it won't always be this hard as they get bigger and life settles a bit. If you do want a career, honestly I wouldn't just throw in the towel, because life will get easier and you will find it's harder to return to work in a few years time.

I worked unpredictable days and managed to get childcare. I found a childminder who allowed me to use different days each week. Its not impossible lots of self employed and freelance people work this way.

Childcare is infinitely harder when they are at school and you will not have flexibility as you will not be in a good position CV wise.

I also echo the above poster about not waiting until primary age. The easiest years for us work-wise where when our eldest was in nursery. School hours are very short and it's very hard to find school hour work/afterschool childminders in some areas. We live rurally (also a farming community) and that sort of childcare is pretty much non-existent. Even the holiday club here only runs 3 days a week. We have to each take off a day per week every school holiday with AL. I would work out a solution now rather than waiting and assuming it will get easier with older children. But once those solutions are in place, it's much easier to figure things out down the line.